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BlueCreek · 07-25-2008, 02:25 PM

This so completely sucks. I thought after yesterday you might be able to make some headway. He may have said 40% of him wants to stay, but what he means is 60% of him likes flirting (or more) with a little girl. You must be so confused. One day he's sending you signals he wants to work on the marriage and telling you not to cancel your date night because he has all these plans, then the next he is hanging out with a girl who he knows you don't want him to be around. Does he really have a plutonic friendship with the girl with no other intentions? I don't know, but frankly, it doesn't matter. It places a ton of emotional stress on you and he should WANT to ensure that doesn't happen. Instead he's ignoring your feelings completely.

And yes, his excuses are complete and utter BS. Oh, what could I do? How could I get out of the car? What, am I just not supposed to have friends? He can be friends with your neighbors and still avoid that girl at the same time, it's not all that hard. And if your neighbors were true friends they wouldn't put either of you in this position. It's his choice to be flattered and turned on by the ex-babysitter and keep that in his life instead of respecting you and your marriage. I feel so terrible for you.

The problem with your 30 day plan right now is that you're going for away for a week, and like you, I have serious doubts your husband will stay physically faithful, even if he has so far. If you go for a week and he has the house to himself (and obviously your neighbors could care less if cheats on you) I have doubts he won't give in.

It may be time to tell him that you have no faith or trust that he intends to keep his wedding vows and you're tired of never being able to sleep and being driven to unhappiness by him. Frankly, I'd tell him that you realize he has no intention of putting forth the same effort into your happiness that you are into his, and that you're done and when you come back from your visit to your mom's you want him to move out. And even if you don't decide to warn him of any such intentions, michzz is right I'm afraid, you should break off all physical contact with him and meet with a lawyer when you get back. Protect yourself and the kids since he obviously has no intention to.

I may be jumping the gun here with this advice, only you can judge the honesty in your husbands intentions, but I've read your efforts on this forum for too long to not be thoroughly disgusted by your husbands near complete lack of interest to meet you half way. You need to be the one in control and stop responding to him and his actions. Do what YOU need to do for yourself and your kids. Make that your priority and defend that. If he wants to salvage your marriage, put it on his shoulders to do so. If he does, then you finally know he wants to be with you, if he doesn't then you know what's really been in his heart.

Once again, from everything I've said in this forum you are a strong and kind woman who has tried so hard to turn things around, but you're not getting even close to that effort back from your husband. One last thing, do not worry about the house and do not move in with your mother. If the unfortunate happens (and I still hold out hope he straightens himself out) and you two can't work this out, you undoubtedly will get custody of the girls and allowed to live in the house while he moves out. He's the one causing this, he'll need to take care of himself.

07-25-2008, 02:25 PM	#5 (permalink)
BlueCreek Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Southern California Posts: 77	Re: He's Cheating...so now what? This so completely sucks. I thought after yesterday you might be able to make some headway. He may have said 40% of him wants to stay, but what he means is 60% of him likes flirting (or more) with a little girl. You must be so confused. One day he's sending you signals he wants to work on the marriage and telling you not to cancel your date night because he has all these plans, then the next he is hanging out with a girl who he knows you don't want him to be around. Does he really have a plutonic friendship with the girl with no other intentions? I don't know, but frankly, it doesn't matter. It places a ton of emotional stress on you and he should WANT to ensure that doesn't happen. Instead he's ignoring your feelings completely. And yes, his excuses are complete and utter BS. Oh, what could I do? How could I get out of the car? What, am I just not supposed to have friends? He can be friends with your neighbors and still avoid that girl at the same time, it's not all that hard. And if your neighbors were true friends they wouldn't put either of you in this position. It's his choice to be flattered and turned on by the ex-babysitter and keep that in his life instead of respecting you and your marriage. I feel so terrible for you. The problem with your 30 day plan right now is that you're going for away for a week, and like you, I have serious doubts your husband will stay physically faithful, even if he has so far. If you go for a week and he has the house to himself (and obviously your neighbors could care less if cheats on you) I have doubts he won't give in. It may be time to tell him that you have no faith or trust that he intends to keep his wedding vows and you're tired of never being able to sleep and being driven to unhappiness by him. Frankly, I'd tell him that you realize he has no intention of putting forth the same effort into your happiness that you are into his, and that you're done and when you come back from your visit to your mom's you want him to move out. And even if you don't decide to warn him of any such intentions, michzz is right I'm afraid, you should break off all physical contact with him and meet with a lawyer when you get back. Protect yourself and the kids since he obviously has no intention to. I may be jumping the gun here with this advice, only you can judge the honesty in your husbands intentions, but I've read your efforts on this forum for too long to not be thoroughly disgusted by your husbands near complete lack of interest to meet you half way. You need to be the one in control and stop responding to him and his actions. Do what YOU need to do for yourself and your kids. Make that your priority and defend that. If he wants to salvage your marriage, put it on his shoulders to do so. If he does, then you finally know he wants to be with you, if he doesn't then you know what's really been in his heart. Once again, from everything I've said in this forum you are a strong and kind woman who has tried so hard to turn things around, but you're not getting even close to that effort back from your husband. One last thing, do not worry about the house and do not move in with your mother. If the unfortunate happens (and I still hold out hope he straightens himself out) and you two can't work this out, you undoubtedly will get custody of the girls and allowed to live in the house while he moves out. He's the one causing this, he'll need to take care of himself.