Hi Blue,
Yeah it sucks and I am very confused. Is he nuts? I'm beginning to think so. This is an entirely different person, I don't know him anymore and my 10 year old daughter said exactly that. "What's wrong with Daddy, its like he is a different person." She doesn't know any of this but its how he treats them...
I actually do not trust him and think everything he tells me could be lies. But his explanation is that she is just a friend. She texts him about "stupid stuff" and he likes answering her because it reminds him of high school..(Plausible, he turned 41 and his age is bothering him)...she does text him first and he responds. There is no indication of physical contact, but he's not stupid either. This girl is not very communicative never was but now she does not talk to me at all. Isn't that interesting? According to my husband he has not told her or anyone of my suspicions and I've never treated her bad or given her any indication of how pissed I am. Her parents are friends of mine (I'm so close to going to talk to them...I know she's 18 but her father would definately stop this.) He said he enjoys hanging out with Jim (the 18 year old is his wife's best friend. She is 30, that to me is also weird, they have 3 neglected kids) and Jim's wife always brings the girl around. So is it possible its totall platonic, yeah...but of course even that is a problem.
I know, his excuses are getting ridiculous but like someone else said you cannot reason with him, he's acting nuts.
While I am gone, he does have to care for my 4 year old son. My son is the informant but that's not hard, just wait until he goes to bed. I wish I were bringing him though I know he'd never let anything happen to him, but just think of this environment...
I'll use this trip as a soul searching...right now I am hurt, scared, sad, lonely but I don't have to be if I begin the process of healing. Its not wise to do anything before hand, after all he could change the locks but when I get back I think it will be time. I actually think he'll fight me only because he's not sure how to support himself (he's not real good with finances) but I think emotionally he won't care. Actually the neighbor will more than likely let him stay there...great no distance!
Thanks for your support, I feel better knowing that I am being reasonable and have tried my best. We are still going out Saturday and I'm going to do my best to not bring anything up...mostly I think I need to see if there is still anything left there for me to want to fight for...
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueCreek
This so completely sucks. I thought after yesterday you might be able to make some headway. He may have said 40% of him wants to stay, but what he means is 60% of him likes flirting (or more) with a little girl. You must be so confused. One day he's sending you signals he wants to work on the marriage and telling you not to cancel your date night because he has all these plans, then the next he is hanging out with a girl who he knows you don't want him to be around. Does he really have a plutonic friendship with the girl with no other intentions? I don't know, but frankly, it doesn't matter. It places a ton of emotional stress on you and he should WANT to ensure that doesn't happen. Instead he's ignoring your feelings completely.
And yes, his excuses are complete and utter BS. Oh, what could I do? How could I get out of the car? What, am I just not supposed to have friends? He can be friends with your neighbors and still avoid that girl at the same time, it's not all that hard. And if your neighbors were true friends they wouldn't put either of you in this position. It's his choice to be flattered and turned on by the ex-babysitter and keep that in his life instead of respecting you and your marriage. I feel so terrible for you.
The problem with your 30 day plan right now is that you're going for away for a week, and like you, I have serious doubts your husband will stay physically faithful, even if he has so far. If you go for a week and he has the house to himself (and obviously your neighbors could care less if cheats on you) I have doubts he won't give in.
It may be time to tell him that you have no faith or trust that he intends to keep his wedding vows and you're tired of never being able to sleep and being driven to unhappiness by him. Frankly, I'd tell him that you realize he has no intention of putting forth the same effort into your happiness that you are into his, and that you're done and when you come back from your visit to your mom's you want him to move out. And even if you don't decide to warn him of any such intentions, michzz is right I'm afraid, you should break off all physical contact with him and meet with a lawyer when you get back. Protect yourself and the kids since he obviously has no intention to.
I may be jumping the gun here with this advice, only you can judge the honesty in your husbands intentions, but I've read your efforts on this forum for too long to not be thoroughly disgusted by your husbands near complete lack of interest to meet you half way. You need to be the one in control and stop responding to him and his actions. Do what YOU need to do for yourself and your kids. Make that your priority and defend that. If he wants to salvage your marriage, put it on his shoulders to do so. If he does, then you finally know he wants to be with you, if he doesn't then you know what's really been in his heart.
Once again, from everything I've said in this forum you are a strong and kind woman who has tried so hard to turn things around, but you're not getting even close to that effort back from your husband. One last thing, do not worry about the house and do not move in with your mother. If the unfortunate happens (and I still hold out hope he straightens himself out) and you two can't work this out, you undoubtedly will get custody of the girls and allowed to live in the house while he moves out. He's the one causing this, he'll need to take care of himself.
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