AZMOMOFTWO

Yesterday I felt we'd made headway in putting back together our relationship. He did too. We had a great morning, talked about a lot of things, connected. We took the kids to a sitter had a nice dinner and went to a movie. We truly enjoyed each other's company.

This morning I woke up with the overwhelming desire to just fix things and I knew I'd push too hard. I just made a promise to myself to let this whole relationship issue just lie for a month and focus on happy times. We were off to a great start but then I started in...I wanted to know really one thing "Fight or fold". Reason is I don't think he is doing a single thing to fix the relationship but does not want to end it and has told me "right now I don't want to work on it either".

I know one thing for certain, right or wrong, emotionally I don't think he can handle it right now. He's never been one to discuss deep feelings but something else is going on and I kept thinking he actually can't do this. I know that if I push harder he'll completely check out. But even so I pushed, I wanted some hope, I guess I wanted him to say something like "as much as I possibly can I'll fight". He did say that but later kind of left it like he'd leave it as it is...I pushed too hard and out the door he went. Now we're talking separation.

Its hell a living hell but I too can't have things this way and even knowing I'd push too hard and drive him away I had to have an answer...any answer. I really get nothing from him unless we have these conversations. Sometimes I wonder does he want me here, is he being polite, or is he enjoying my conversation. He's planning to come back here tonight and then decide if he's going to stay somewhere for awhile.

So if we do separate, what are the rules? Honestly, I've gone awhile now being the only one to fight, loving without feeling love back, and not feeling loved or appreciated. I asked if we do separate does he plan to date "I don't plan to" which also says I don't plan not too.

I really do want to fix this and still believe it can be but I've also got to be realistic. I do know I deserve someone who will be a full partner in a relationship and that loves, respects, and cares about me. I had that but don't feel I do now.

One more confusing thing that has just happened, I know this can be a very vulnerable time and when someone else fills the needs that you have it can be confusing. I've had some self-doubt, is it me? Recently a really nice guy and a very good looking guy ..... and this is all innoncent at this point ... told me he though I was very pretty and showed a lot of interest in me. This started over a mutual interest in photography and I liked the pictures he took. He knows nothing about my situation but he's offering me something I am missing and that is friendship. At first I thought I'd better run away fast but I can't seem to do that. We have not plans to date but he's made it clear he'd like to get to know me better. We are regularly communicating mostly about our shared hobby but he's also asked me a lot about my other interests. I kind of feel unfaithful, but I've done nothing. After all its platonic and he's an ADULT (if you read my other posts, DH has a supposed platonic relationship with an 18 year old neighbor). Also thought about telling DH but then thought that would seem like game playing. I also don't want to give up this friendship that is developing because lately its the only thing that makes me smile. Sad thing is, if DH said I'll do whatever it takes to fix this and that friendship bothered him, I'd give it up. Actually I kind of think if he knew he probably would not care anyway...