Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

BoldyInept · 07-30-2008, 05:15 PM

Here's my story...My wife of almost 19 years came to me back in April and said that still loved me, but thought we were no longer compatable. She said that she thought I didn't love her any more, and that there must be other women who could be a better wife for me than what she was. Furthermore, she said that she had developed feelings for a friend who lives in South America with whom she does a good deal of charitable work in his country of origin. She swore that the only physical intimacy between them was one passionate kiss the previous summer, but that she had been having an "emotional affair" with him for about a year. She expected me, on that night, to just agree with her that we should split, and do so amicably. However, instead, I took a different direction, and told her I was willing to listen to what she felt she needed from me, and was willing to change in areas where I needed to for my own good, and in any area where I was not violating any basic principles of my own personhood, or where I was not going to have to completely change my personality. She agreed to give this a try.

Over the next two months, she was willing to work at things, but was also in touch with the other guy quite a bit, via cell phone and webcam. She said that her romantic feelings for him were fading to the point that after about two months, she said those feelings were gone, and he was once again just a good friend. However, because of the charity work they do, she said she wanted to maintain the friendship with him. By the first of June, she made the declaration that she truly loves me, and that she was not going to leave me. She has more recently said that she has felt very loved by me again, and she appreciates the fact that, in her eyes, I am paying far more attention to her than I did for a number of years. She said the frequent contact with the other guy in June was necessary in preparation for a trip to his country which she took with our 18-year-old son a couple of weeks ago. Since she has returned, I am not sure about how much phone contact there has been, but I know there has been no webcam contact. (They were supposed to have chatted once, which she told me about, but he never showed up online...I know, because I was in the same room with the computer and with her that evening, which she seemed to be totally comfortable about.)

I have no doubt about three things:
1. She has shown me more love in the past couple of months, and it feels like she is far more in love with me at this point than at almost any time in our marriage.
2. I feel she is more in love with me than with anybody else.
3. I really have changed in some needed ways.

What still nags me is this:
- Will this last?
- Can someone "re-relegate" someone to the status of "friend" after they have seen that person in a more romantic light?
- Is it possible that deep inside she is still in love with him, but is in a period of denial about that because she is feeling better about me?

Thanks for any insight anyone can offer!

07-30-2008, 05:15 PM	#1 (permalink)
BoldyInept Registered User Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 1	Future bright or not? Here's my story...My wife of almost 19 years came to me back in April and said that still loved me, but thought we were no longer compatable. She said that she thought I didn't love her any more, and that there must be other women who could be a better wife for me than what she was. Furthermore, she said that she had developed feelings for a friend who lives in South America with whom she does a good deal of charitable work in his country of origin. She swore that the only physical intimacy between them was one passionate kiss the previous summer, but that she had been having an "emotional affair" with him for about a year. She expected me, on that night, to just agree with her that we should split, and do so amicably. However, instead, I took a different direction, and told her I was willing to listen to what she felt she needed from me, and was willing to change in areas where I needed to for my own good, and in any area where I was not violating any basic principles of my own personhood, or where I was not going to have to completely change my personality. She agreed to give this a try. Over the next two months, she was willing to work at things, but was also in touch with the other guy quite a bit, via cell phone and webcam. She said that her romantic feelings for him were fading to the point that after about two months, she said those feelings were gone, and he was once again just a good friend. However, because of the charity work they do, she said she wanted to maintain the friendship with him. By the first of June, she made the declaration that she truly loves me, and that she was not going to leave me. She has more recently said that she has felt very loved by me again, and she appreciates the fact that, in her eyes, I am paying far more attention to her than I did for a number of years. She said the frequent contact with the other guy in June was necessary in preparation for a trip to his country which she took with our 18-year-old son a couple of weeks ago. Since she has returned, I am not sure about how much phone contact there has been, but I know there has been no webcam contact. (They were supposed to have chatted once, which she told me about, but he never showed up online...I know, because I was in the same room with the computer and with her that evening, which she seemed to be totally comfortable about.) I have no doubt about three things: 1. She has shown me more love in the past couple of months, and it feels like she is far more in love with me at this point than at almost any time in our marriage. 2. I feel she is more in love with me than with anybody else. 3. I really have changed in some needed ways. What still nags me is this: - Will this last? - Can someone "re-relegate" someone to the status of "friend" after they have seen that person in a more romantic light? - Is it possible that deep inside she is still in love with him, but is in a period of denial about that because she is feeling better about me? Thanks for any insight anyone can offer!