sunnyday

...but fear I may not be completely ready. This past January I met a terrific man on line, we communicated in writing and by phone for a month. In February we met in person and confirmed that we really liked each other and wanted to continue the relationship. At that time we decided that we would date each other exclusively. Prior to meeting me he had been married for thirty five years, his wife passed away after a long illness and shortly after that he met his neighbor, Susan, who's husband had also recently died. Several months after they meet his job required a transfer to a distant city but they continued the relationship seeing each other once a month for long weekends. According to him she would not commit to any future plans nor would she spend any length of time with him just short weekends. After eighteen months she broke off the relationship. From what he told me he was deeply hurt since he had grown to love her very much and wanted to marry her. Accepting that the relationship was over he decided to try and find someone else so he joined the Internet dating scene met a dozen or so women but no one serious. Then I came along...we are compatible on the major issues, we enjoy the same activities, we have the same goals for the future, we sincerely care for each other and enjoy each others company. He is extremely loving, kind, thoughtful, generous, and understanding. There is not one single aspect of this man I would ever want to change. We do live in separate states but since meeting in January have spent a great deal of time together. He always makes a tremendous effort to do everything possible to show his love for me. He understands and recognizes my old patterns for dealing with insecurities in our relationship and patiently helps me understand myself and ways to deal with them.
Now the purpose of writing...when we met I questioned him repeatedly about his serious relationship with Susan. I wanted to know exactly how he felt about her. Before I could allow myself to fall in love with him I needed to know he was over her completely. I knew there would always be some feelings but importantly I needed to know he no longer wanted to be in contact with her. I was deeply concerned that she would change her mind and want him back. He assured me he was completely over her...he was not....I discovered in April that he had sent her a Internet birthday card in March, she sent a thank you note and he responded with an extremely informative and long letter. Unfortunately, he made it sound like his life had not changed much (possible invite for her to return if she wished) he did mention he had met another "lady" on line but wasn't much interested as he and she both knew long distance affairs are very difficult (possible excuse for their relationship failing not because of a lack of love on her part). He ended with a sincere wish for her to stay in touch ...letters can be very subjective I know. But it did not take much imagination to realize he was still in love with her and I felt like a complete and utter fool.

Is it possible for him to still be in love with her and have serious feelings for me??? By remembering her birthday and writing that he wanted to stay in touch with her was that not betraying me? When I told him I had found his letter (in a way I am truly sorry for...but fear is a mighty force) he acted truly sorry that his actions had hurt me and admitted that while his feelings for her had not died completely, he was totally ready to commit to me. He said he had not given his actions that much thought nor realized the effect his contacting her would have on me. He didn't think it was that big a deal. Is it possible men don't see those situations as seriously as women take them? If he truly loved me why would he want to stay in contact with her? Should I trust what he is telling me now?
Needless to say I was totally lost he had convinced me he was one man who could be completely honest,trustworthy, and faithful It has been three months and it still bothers me....not knowing for sure...I do not want to be made a fool of ever again. He tells me he loves me very much and wants to marry me. I am still agonizing over feelings of being betrayed or worse it could happen again. I do love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But do not know how to get over this terrible fear. My heart says I am being stupid he has not given me any further cause to doubt him. I want to trust him completely...yet my instincts or "old baggage" continually warn me not to be stupid. What do I do? Do I bring up the old wounds I know he does ever thing possible to reassure me daily. These are my problems and I have to learn how to deal with them...I just don't know how to trust my own judgment. I do hope you can help I want the second time around to be a success.