BlueCreek

First, you shouldn't see it as men don't see it the same way as women. It's more of a personality issue than a gender one. Some people have no problem with their SO's remaining friends with ex's, other people just assume their SO will never speak to an ex again and throw out anything associated with them. I remember when a old long time bf called my wife once while we were engaged. I flipped out while my wife didn't think anything of it.

My gut tells me that he is being completely honest and open with you. The man admitted to you the feelings aren't completely gone, which is not only being forthright with you, but normal. If he loved her like he claims and it ended because she was the one to leave him, then it is should take quite a bit of time to completely let go of all those old emotions, even when he is in a committed relationship. It doesn't mean he still really loves her or that he would drop you for her if she asked him to. He maintained a friendship with her and it sounds like it just didn't occur to him that you might think as strongly as you do about something like that. I would not see it as betrayal at all.

He did not try to deny he had been in communication with her and he admitted the feelings were not all gone. These are not the actions of a man trying to hide things from you. He just didn't think. It was kind of stupid on his part, but not a betrayal. My question would then be: have you tried just calmly telling him that your expectations as a possible life time partner is that he not maintain friendship with a woman that he was in love with?

I would also look deep in yourself and ask, why? Not why you feel this way, because many would to some degree, but why you feel this way so strongly that even after him being upfront and honest with you, several months later you still can't get past it.

I disagree with michzz in that I don't think he "holds a flame" per say for an ex, just that there hasn't been enough time for him to get fully past it yet. Also, it is possible to be totally in love with and committed to someone while you're still moving past someone else. The man has already done it once. Do you think he will ever stop loving his wife that passed away? He never will, but that didn't stop him from falling in love with Susan, and it hasn't stopped him from falling in love with you. Love is not some piece of pie that has a finite number of pieces. You can't expect you get 100% of the pie. Love is more like a endless well. You can keep pouring more and more into it. Part of him will always love his ex wife, maybe even a small portion of him will never quite get over Susan, I don't know, but his love from you can grow and grow and keep filling up that endless well growing stronger and stronger until it dwarfs all else.

Michzz is dead on though in that you are not ready for marriage yet. In fact it sounds like he is using marriage to "prove" the depth of his love for you and as an attempt to make sure you don't get away, perhaps even because he fears you will leave him like Susan did. Those are things you need to sit down with him and talk about. Before either of you seriously consider marriage, you both need to explore a few things. He needs to explore exactly what it is he still feels for Susan and why he is still in contact with her. You need to explore why you don't trust him when he sounds pretty forthright about his contact with her. And then there is still two more things that need to happen. A) He needs to be comfortable with and supportive of your need to separate himself from that old relationship. And B) You need to get a divorce. Obviously there are reasons you haven't gone into, but after all these years of separation and still no divorce? Why?

Just remember marriage is not a tool to keep to people together when there is a threat the relationship might end. It's not glue. Once you are both confident and sure of exactly where each of you stand and are excited about your future together in its entirety, than marriage is the reward for that strong relationship.