There is a way to go about this that is fair to everyone. First you start out by telling her what you just told us - you want to make it work - however it only CAN work if the physical part can be fixed.
Be prepared for her to attack you for being shallow. Just stay calm and firm and explain that both people have minimum needs in a marriage - and if they cannot be met by the other person the marriage eventually ends. And you have these needs and if she is not willing to TRY to address this - then you are going to end it. If she says no - you have an easy next step. If she says she WILL try - that is when things get difficult. Because the goal cannot be ONlY to get her to agree to sex twice a week - she might agree to it - but she will hate it/and eventually resent you for it. The goal if she is willing to try is to see if she can be honest with you about what turns her on/off so that she actually desires you enough to have a decent sexual relationship.
The reason this is hard is you need to mix the two things. The first - is to say that you need a minimum amount of sex to stay - and don't short change yourself because whatever she agrees to she will likely try to actually deliver a lot less.
And the second is for you to bluntly state - I KNOW you dislike sex with me since you avoid it in such a determined way even though you know I am UNHAPPY about it. So if you won't start telling me why - we need to end the marriage. I need to feel "desired" as well as have a minimum amount of sex.
And ask yourself some questions:
- How much do you think this is visual? How do other women react to you? Are you in shape? Are you VERY clean ALL the time? Do you dress nicely? Hairstyle?
- How do you behave? Are you too nice/to beta? That is a huge turn off for a woman.
- When you have sex - do you get her to the finish line consistently?
Did she marry you simply to have a good provider? WHY did she marry you?
Originally Posted by sameoldstory
I'm new here and feel the same uncertainty that many new-commers have when making their first post so here goes...
Basically, I am uncertain about the direction of my life with my wife. To be completely honest, I do not know if my full potential for happiness has been met or ever will be. My wife is a very good person, a great mother to our only child (7 months old), is in relativily good health, and together mentally. However, since our marriage began 2 years ago, we've had trouble connecting intimately. Pior to marriage, things were ok, not the best but I thought marriage would bring us closer together. About the only time I recall us being on the same page since marriage was when we were trying to concieve.
I know that having a child draws attention away from the marriage but I'm not sure the foundation was there to begin with. As a result, it has become appearant to me that sexual intimacy is very important to my health (a have alot of stress over this compounded with high blood pressure) as well as the health of the marriage. The lack of sexual intimacy has made me resentful, depressed, crabby, and contemplating divorce.
What has me even more confused is that I do not want break apart my family. I love my son very much and am happy when I'm with him. I can't, however, say the same about my wife which doesn't make me feel confortable at all about our future. I have tried to talk about this several times but it mostly leads to arguements with no committments to a resolution.
All this being said, I'd like to ask some open ended questions. For those who have sought out a divorce, what feelings did you have towards your spouse that drove your final decision? Are you happy with your decision? Is putting other's happiness before yours the right thing to do? what about for the rest of your life? I have high doubts that things will change so is it better to end things sooner rather than later? Other than this issue, my wife and I get along ok, so is this a selfish need worth ending a marriage over?
Any responses will be greatly appreciated.