lovemywife

hello all , I'm new here ( duh ) and a little nervous about posting my problems on the net , not even sure how to get started ...

well ... the wife and I just had a huge fight only hours ago , she has threatened to leave me if I don't change my habits , has put me down by telling me I'm just like her ex ( abusive , basically he's a waste of good skin , no job , etc etc etc ... )

I have NEVER hit her and never will , she was being the violent one , throwing things , trying to punch , kick , me , in my own defense I did hold her to the floor untill I could let her go without another attack .

she called her mother to take the kids ( we have 2 young daughters , one of em biologically mine ) she started telling her mother everything we were fighting about , so in anger , frustration , and really .. fear of losing her .. I ripped the phone out of the wall .. I know .. not a smart move but I was lost and very confused since I dont even know how it all started .

during are fight she revealed to me that she is pushing me away sexually (while I'm trying to fix our sexual relastionship )

now here's the kicker ... I know what the problem is , I know what she wants and she deserves to have it , she's the perfect girl , a great mother , works hard as hell and is alway's on the go either cleaning , cooking , shopping .. etc .. she pretty much does everything without asking for help , and me , being male .. lets it happen , I sit here on this damn computer all day ( I work nights she works day's ) while she is working , I'm caring for the kids ( as much as I know how ) . with no , or very little complaint from the wife .. basically .. I'm lazy .. and I know I am ..

her major complaint is sex and time spent together ..

I think I may be suffering from a sexual addiction , but how is one to know without paying hundreds to a counsellor ? , I want my wife everyday , every second .. all I really think about all day is having sex with her , but the sex is not FOR me .. I want to see her being pleasured from everything that I do to her , I want her to feel that I am the best she's ever had ( altho she already tells me this I still strive for .. excellence for lack of better word )

I don't see this as a problem .. am I wrong ? I mean . I would LOVE if she were that way with me .. that I would pay for ..

now she say's she would be closer to me if we spend more time together without sex , before I get into that I'll explain a few things ..
were broke , living paycheck to paycheck , but we don't let that stress into our life , the only time we can spend time toghter without kids is an hour before I go to work after she gets home .. and the odd day off she has during the week , we mostly have the kids with us because we cannot afford babysitters nevermind the cost of actually going somewhere .

that said .. when she does get a day off and the kids are in bed ... well what perfect time to share myself and give her pleasure ... right ?
to me . thats time very well spent ..

she is right though .. I know this , we/ she .. needs time spent without sex so she can feel loved ... I don't really understand this , I mean , I grew up without a father figure , and what I did see of him was violence , my parents seperated when I was 3 , he passed away when I hit 12 , therefore I had nobody to show me how to " be a man " a good loving husband , and father , I never , not once seen my father as loving .

my mother however was the best mother anyone could possibly ask for , we grew up poor but I'd never know it , we took trips , she got me everything I wanted etc.. and the one thing she taught me was to respect women , and I do to my knowledge. the biggest lesson I was taught .. sex is for people who love eachother ..
so I was taught , if you love someone , you give them sex , so thats what I do , thats what I have done my entire life , I live by that rule religously ( spelling srry ) , nobody gets my sex unless I love them , being a teen I obvously broke that rule a few times , but now that I have grown it's a little different .

so , yes , every chance I get .. I try to 'get some ' as she puts it , because I want to show her I love her more then my life's worth , but she takes it as " just getting laid " and thats all I want .. I can totally see her point but .. how do I stop this behavour and give her what she wants before I lose her and my kids ?

how do I be someone I have never been , never shown how to be ?
before anything is said about trying to change a person is wrong .. this is not the case this time , I want to be a good father , I want her to look at me like I'm her soldier , her stabalizer , her support , like she can't possibly be without me .. but I'm lost ... I have no idea how to be that person , and in fear .. I push the problem aside and we live happily ( I see now that her happiness is fake ) .. so where is this guide on how to be a husband ?

I can't lose my wife , my life means nothing without her and my kids , I try to show her that everyday by cuddling in bed when I finally go to bed at 7 am before she gets up .. or by hugging her in the kitchen , by telling her everyday that she looks amazing , by telling her everyday that I love her more then anything , by kissing her anytime of the day without having an excuse .
I thought I was doing right .. but apparently I'm very very wrong and need to change my way of life , change my way of thinking .
I just don't know how because I have never been shown anything differently

we had some rocky times , I was unfathful ( kinda ) she found porn on the computer , I was talking with some girls online , like maybe one convo per girl , no nudity whatsoever , just stupid comments that I should not have made . I think I did this because at the same time , she was witholding sex , but that came out of nowhere .. one week we were like rabbits , the next week .. nothing , I was confused , and hurt by things she had done in her past ( and it still effects me deeply today ) , to make a long story short .. she was ( so I understand ) takin advantage of by her ex's brother and his girlfriend , there was alot of confustion in me about the whole situation ( she says she did not want to , but tells me she used to have fantacy's about it
that was seven years ago she told me that , since then we ourselves have disscused doing that same thing .. but that disscustion was kind of a test I was putting her through to see if the truth would come out at all , or any differences in her story ( wich reallly should not matter since this is before I came along , but still I'm extreamely bothered by any of her past , donno why but this is a huge problem in my head everyday ) but thats for another post ...

she herself made a comment about a certain music artist , I had found the post in her myspace .. this showed me a different part of her that I had never seen , she never tells me how good . or bad I am without me asking . so how can she say things like that to someone else ?? I thought she was the shy girl , no sex talk of any kind , no comments on my body or it's " parts " , nothing

how do I get close to her if I feel she's not attracted to me in that way ?
don't get me wrong , we have sex almost everyday , but I know deepdown , that she doesn't want it , or she says " I would want it if you spent more time with me " .. well that artist never spend any time with her .. why does he get the comments ?

I'm so lost and confused ...

I need to end this before I write a novel here ..
thx for letting me vent .. I somehow feel a little better
and sorry for the rambling