Thank you vlee for the encouragement, I really appreciate it!
I haven't presented my laundry list as yet because our next session is this Wednesday evening.
I am not letting him off this hook, because I love him too much to live with a lie between us, and not prevent it from happening again. I am not doing this to chastize him. (Maybe I need to say that in therapy..maybe he is being so secretive because he is afraid his life will be made hell if he confesses??)
The fact is, if he is honest I will forgive him and move on as long as he is accountable for my healing. I do think he loves me, but he fell out of love with me and became emotionally intimate with a young woman, (who's 15) only 5 years older than our daughter, because he was away for a whole year, and our marriage wasn't the greatest.
At this point my goal is to save the marriage for my family and myself, and if that is not possible, bottom line is to save myself from a lifetime of depression because I settled (whch I will not). My goal in this marriage has always been to be as close to my husband possible and have a wonderful relationship. I think I have had him on a pedistal...BIG MISTAKE.
I think I have learned a lot from this, what my mistakes have been (like being too much of a "mother" (& doormat) for him and not putting my foot down and expecting more from him) But now I am different and moving forward. I will be the woman I know I can be, and a partner. I need to build my self esteem and I am working on that by seeing my own counselor.
My "laundry list" will include the following: (that I got from Dr. Harley's Marriage Builder's website:
Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice)
*All contact with her must end. (he has been in contact with her within the last month about business in China supposedly)
*That he takes responsibility to help heal my hurt.
*That he reveals all of the details I ask honestly.
*That he is willing to work on a detailed plan to prevent a reoccurance and do it.
*That he has a detailed plan/commitment to fall in love with me again (this one is hard..I think I need to take responsibility for this one as well and I already know some of what I am going to do)
The following are my own:
*That he ask me to forgive him and promise he will never do this again to me or our family.
*That he try to the best of his ability to find a job where he works close to home. (he works for a month here and there away from home, but COULD find work close to home)
I will let you know how it works out, but yes, I am putting my foot down in a way he understands and will present these requests. In the end, I hope we are experiencing sharing our grandchildren together, and set an example for our children at least that we turned a failing marriage around, and it is possible. I hope!