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Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

21K views 36 replies 22 participants last post by  Wrench 
#1 ·
Can anyone shed light on this from personal experience?

My wife has been involved in an emotional affair for over 7 months now. I have spent tons of time reading through:

www.divorcebusting.com
www.marriagebuilders.com
www.talkaboutmarriage.com
www.loveshack.org

In just about every single personal experience I read about, or every advice column or article I read, there truly seems to be some sort of script that all wayward spouses read from. Why is that? Is it biological? Psychological? Those with experience here should know what I am talking about A few common 'script' items or 'fog' babble that come to mind:

  • Re-writing marriage history
  • Projecting blame for the wayward spouses guilt onto the betrayed spouse
  • The typical "I love you but..." type of talk
  • The proclamation that the other person is the wayward spouses 'soul mate,' or something along those lines.
  • The demonizing of the betrayed spouse in order to rationalize the wayward spouses justification for carrying on the affair.
I'm sure there's tons more where you all with experience can add to the list above. Here's a couple of articles to illustrate the point:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Surviving-Infidelity:-Understanding-the- Fog&id=569562
http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/fog.asp

Can some of the more experienced posters here share some ideas?
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#3 ·
I was just thinking about this same thing this morning.

My WH, of course, has followed the script as well. He has hit just about every sign of a cheating spouse and said just about every line that we read about. From suddenly dying his hair, to new taste in music, to the "I'm not in love with you", to rewriting the marital hx, to blame, etc. etc.

I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that affairs are like addictions. And addicts can be very predictable while they're in the depths of their 'sickness'. They are completely 'taken over' by the excitement and good feelings they are having and I think it is like thier brains are kind of short-wired by the adrenaline and euphoria.

I also believe a lot of it is their own guilt, and the lies they have had to tell THEMSELVES to get to the point of being in the affair in the first place. They have had to tell themselves a lot of lies from the very beginning and once you tell one lie, you have to keep lying to cover it all up. When a person is married and having an affair, the lies will enevitably end up being the same because they are all covering up and hiding the same secret.
 
#4 ·
"I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that affairs are like addictions. And addicts can be very predictable while they're in the depths of their 'sickness.

I just wonder how a betrayed spouse might use this predicability on the part of their wayward spouse to their advantage, in order to increase their chances of ending the affair and reconciling the marriage. I know that every situation and individual personality is unique. But, I'm interested in success stories and any insight I can gain from them.
 
#6 ·
Well, not sure I would claim my situation to be a "success" story but I can say, sadly enough, that the moment my H's affair was discovered and he told me, was the moment that my marriage begain to rebuild. I mean worst day of my life and very tough to get through but my marriage is stronger and happier than it has been in many years. (it's been 4 months since it was discovered/ended)

My H did follow some of the many scripts and in other ways, has not. As you said, each situation and individual personality is different. You're right, the A is like an addiction and with all addictions - lies and deceit are part of it. Which, in my case, I now think is a tad ironic - the man who couldn't keep a secret to save his life (ie. proposed within hours of buying ring because he couldnt' wait) had an A!
 
#7 ·
I would just like to add...

if i were receiving the love and intimacy from my husband that i crave from him, i WOULDN'T be looking for it somewhere else. Not like i was looking for it, but when it came to me, i just got carried away. altho i realise my actions are wrong, each night when i go home to my husband, i just feel justified in enjoying the fling while it lasts (when my husband just doesnt care about me and is happy living his life te way he is, why cant i have some good times myself)...

i would so love for my marriage to get back on track and emerge stronger and more loving, but i see no light at the end of the tunnel, while i live in anxiety and a constant state of stress... and that's my justification for enjoying the 'fling'...

my day begins with guilt for doing whats wrong and ends with 'what the heck' attitude on seeing my husband's coldness and his rejection of me... he sleeps in the same bed, but doesnt wish to talk, or cuddle even forget about sex... his mother (stays with us) too complains about his attitude and insentivity towards her... so i am not the only one complaining...

so its not like i am addicted to affairs (i am 33 and have strayed 1st time in my life and not proud of it)... but its my utter loneliness and depression that's leading me to accept whatever joy is coming my way (in whichever form)... and despite knowing the wrong that i am indulging in, i cant seem to just give up and continue to live in sadness....
 
#9 ·
The script isn't so much about what actually caused the affair, it is about what the WS says/does when confronted with the affair. From reading your post you may not do this, IDK. But in reading your post I thought you might be my wife until you got to the mother living with you part :).
 
#8 ·
Well I discovered my husbands affair more than a month ago. Confronted him at restaurant, showed him evidence(between him and the OW) and he still denies it. The affair is still on as far as I know. Maybe I should buy him this book from Amazon.com
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#12 ·
losinglove,

i am new to these forums and not used to the short forms :eek: what is IDK??

I also did not follow what u meant when u wrote -

But in reading your post I thought you might be my wife until you got to the mother living with you part


His mother and sister are living with us.. the sister will be gone once she gets married in few years... cant ofcourse let the mother live alone at this age, so she will be with us until....

last night i tossed and turned cos of the discomfort (6th month of pregnancy), finally got up and rubbed an analgesic to my hurting back... was hungry so went and ate something and had cold milk... could not sleep, both cos sleep wouldnt come to me and also cos of the back trouble so sat upright and tried sleeping... finally around 4 in the morning i fell asleep...

but not once did he ask what was happening to me or if i needed his help, all thru this he turned the other side and snored away...

i had spent the whole of yesterday feeling terribly guilty and ashamed of what i was doing at work (the fling)... i even texted TOM (and meant it) that we had no right to put our families (unbeknownst to them ofcourse) thru what we are by our behaviour and the only solution is breaking up but his behaviour just made me feel, hey what the f*** i am entitled to some TLC and joy... so i went thru the night hoping to see TOM again at work today...
 
#14 ·
I'm sorry but I don't mean to be harsh, I think if people r happy and both spouses r holding up their end of tIhe marriage contract an affair would not happen. U r not innocent and u have to take some responsibility for your wifes actions,If u were emotionally and physically there for her she would not be doing these things. trust me I know.
 
#17 ·
yes, i am somewhere blaming my husband for my failing (at the same time accepting that i am wrong and i am failing)

if u read what blueyes wrote earlier (not that i am using even that to justify), but its a lot of truth and i agree...

like i said in my post, if my husband was there for me at home (which he never is - stays out of the house from morning 8 till 2-3-4 in the early morning next day), giving the love, care AND sex (one or twice a month since the 2nd month of marriage) that i need, i WOULD NOT be straying to another person who's giving me some joy in whichever form (notwithstanding the fact that its wrong in the first place)...
 
#19 ·
you are absolving the 'betrayed spouse' from all responsibility... tres bien!!!

Its not like he's innocent... just last night we had a chat and he agreed to all his mistakes and said i know i need to improve... well, i've been there, heard that!!!

so, what's your take on the poor 'betrayed spouse', who lives a complacent life, no matter how many chats or pleadings or fights or reasoning happen...?????

P.S: FYKI, my guilt could allow me the affair for just the two weeks... while nothing has changed at home, i couldnt carry on with the affair cos i REALISE that no matter what, an EA is never justified...
 
#20 ·
I am not absolving the 'betrayed spouse' from any responsibility. But YOU and YOU alone made the decision to have an affair. Congrats on realizing it was wrong and stopped it, not all (instinct says most) do.

The 'betrayed spouse' owns some of the responsibility for creating the environment that made an affair possible.

As for my take on a spouse who is like that...Hi how you doing. This type of thing is what lead to my wife's affair. I see that now, wish I would have then. Take a drastic step to get him to see that his actions are killing the love between you (other than an affair :) ).

Look at Affaircare's next to last post on this thread. It might help explain how he is not taking it all that seriously.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/12686-how-do-i-answer.html#post141555
 
#21 ·
In my H's case his career is soaring, we've just bought a new house, so he's basking in the glory of achieving a feat that big, he's staying outdoors late into the night and enjoying his life... all this euphoria is getting into his head and his attitude is changed for worse...

No amount of 'action' at my end is helping open his eyes and he continues to live complacently. And justifying to me WHY he's behaving the way he is... says all the problems at the home front (me, his mom, his sister, he has problems with everyone) is causing him to behave this way... said despite the progress we are making in our lifestyle we are unhappy and have numerous complaints in life...

i told him, the house or the money he's earning does not give me happiness cos he's not in the house with me nor is he around to spend the money with. when i confronted him with this and said where am i wrong in being unhappy with the lack of him in my life he said, oh i never faulted u for being unhappy about that, i know i need to improve.... blah blah blah... like i said been hearing this from him for past 4 years and nothing has changed...

read Affaircare's post but am too foggy... cant think of a drastic action that i could take which might wake him from his slumber...

And an affair will not happen with me again i know it for sure... if u read my post "desperately need a change in our sex life" in the Sex in Marriage thread, you'll know what i mean...
 
#22 ·
Married-Infidel,

You are trying to reach him but you are using the same method over and over again. That has been described as a cheeseless tunnel by Michelle Wiener Davis in her book. Trying harder doing the same thing which never works. You need to attack it from another angle.

Get a copy of the book "Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants" by Elliott Katz. You read it, then give it to him to read. And you might write out a letter to your H to go with the book -- stating that you need improvements in the marriage or else there won't be a marriage for much longer.

I was your H. I understand the pain he is causing you. But if he chooses to improve himself -- then you better reaffirm it. You can't sit back and do nothing about improving yourself. Or it will be another failed attempt at change.

Just my two cents.

Peace.
 
#23 ·
Feelingalone,

I have sent him so many relationship articles on email in the last 4 years... He's never even acknowledged receiving them, i dont know if he ever read at all...

So making him read the book is like selling ice to an eskimo... he buys 'his kind of books' and never reads them... he give no time to us at home... he's never at home... there's no chance he will read a 'relationship' book... But i will still read it and try to give him...

And i have stated to him SEVERAL times that improvements are needed or else there wont be a marriage... He responds with - yeah then go to whoever will give you what you want...

Sigh
 
#24 ·
I have to agree. *sigh*

In several instances we have tried to indicate that the person you need to look at and work on is YOU and not your H, and yet time and again when we give you advice or a thought or a suggestion, you tell us "Well my H won't do anything to change..!!"

I'm just curious. What have YOU done to change? Are you a loving, supportive, encouraging haven for him to come home to? Are you a quiet, gentle, loving soul? Are you his friend and companion, enjoying him for the man and person he IS? Or do you nag him non-stop about every imperfection and constantly harass him for sex?

...Have YOU even acknowledged receiving the relationship links we've given you? We dont know if you ever read at all...

...making you read what we have written for you is like selling ice to an eskimo... you read 'what you want to hear' and never read them... you give no time to hear us and blame your husband for your own behavior ...

We have stated to you SEVERAL times that YOU need to make or else there wont be a marriage... you responds with - yeah but my affair is almost over some day soon and it's all his fault anyway...


Any of this sounding familiar?
 
#26 ·
I am not the wayward one, I was the one who was cheated on, and I say that absolutely 100% my actions and neglect did create the situation in which my spouses long term affair took place. Yes, she bears 100% of the guilt and responsibility for the affair itself, but I share the guilt for creating the situation which left her hurting and vulnerable to this.

Others who are experiencing a cheating spouse do absolutely need to be honest and open with themselves about the fact that in 99.9% of the cases they DID help to create the neglect/hurt on the part of their spouse that led to the affair.
 
#29 ·
Why is it that a man who is cheated on by his wife considered uncaring/unattentive and the affair on the womans behalf is "understandable" if not totally excused. "He should have done XYZ to keep her happy." is what most women say about their friends who cheated on their husbands.
Now, on the other hand a man that strays on his woman because he feels his needs arent met... he's considered a pig and a womanizer? Or men usually get the, "your wife isnt there to serve you, you should respect her not expect her to please you."
These are usually the same people that excuse the womans behavior over the EXACT same reason the man cheated.
Perfect spouse or not.... a person is gonna cheat (if they're a cheater) whether their spouse is great or not.... it just happens faster if the spouse is shi**y to them because there is an EASY excuse to use!
 
#33 ·
I've been through it twice with the same woman, she followed the script both times and has kept that attitude when she remembers the "good" years as well.

I had way more opportunities to cheat than she did, but everytime I would tell myself that I took a solem vow of marriage and if I want to do this I have to get a divorce.

Some people just have no morals.
 
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