AZMOMOFTWO

I'd been posting about how things have been going with my marriage, a roller coaster! Husband says he is still in love with me but things are not the same and I no longer trust him. This is his fault and he recognizes it. I just returned from a trip for 6 days and took my daughter, he stayed home with our 4 year old son. While away he called me, texted me, and things seemed good. Now that I look at it he has some emotional dependance on me...I never made him that way but I enabled I'm sure. Anyway, He and my son did lots of things together it was great for them. I just wonder if he took a girl with him (the 18 year old who always comes around). At first I was sure he didn't, nothing he did or said indicated it but my son insists she went to the movies and to the waterpark with them. Now this has happened before and I knew about it but that was before all this, so he could be confused with another time...When I said are you sure, he changed his answer. I did not ask him, I would not put my 4 year old in the middle, he was recounting what they did and so he offered all this. I confronted my husband, and when confronted he usually will cop to what ever he did that I might not like but with some good excuse...this time he was adamant that she did not go, the two of them went alone and our son is confused. He did say yesterday our sone ran down the street to go say hi to her (she's our sitter 3 doors down) and she was in her bathing suit going to or coming from her aunt's to swim (aunt also lives on the block). When asked again my son insisted she went and that her parents went too. Now I know her parents didn't go so now I'm starting to doubth him and don't want to push him anymore. Normally I'd say he's confused but I have so little trust. I told hubby that too. He said he understood, as he is the one who gave me cause to doubt.

On the other hand I've started talking with a guy who I'm getting more interested in. I don't even feel guilty. This is not me! I've had men try to buy me drinks during friends' bachlerotte parties and I always say no way and immediately show them I'm not interested. But with this guy I .... just like talking to him. Nothing has happened so nothing to feel guilty about but he's become a friend and he'd like to make it more. He does not know the situation but knows that I'm not in a happy marriage. He's been telling me everything I needed to hear. One of the first things he said to me was that he thought I was beautiful .... wow! haven't heard hubby say that recently, he shows interest in what I am interested in, and he told me he's in no hurry to push anything this is too important. I'm definately attracted to him both physically and emotionally. When I took this trip I thought of him a lot. Whenever I would feel bad about something my husband has done or not done and our situation, I'd switch to thinking about this guy and it would change my mood.

He's been through this too, divorced and two kids. Part of me just wants someone who understands. I know its dangerous ground, I've not committed to ending my marriage just yet. But I can't keep myself from talking with this other guy. So far its just been talking and we have not gone anywhere together.

I asked my husband when I got home if he missed me and he said yes and it seemed sincere. I also asked him if the time away helped and he said "it didn't hurt" and when asked if he'd like more time away from "us" he said yes. You'd think after just getting back he'd say at least not right now...I actually did not want to come home to this stress and I told him that. I also told him I wanted a man in my life who knew he loved me and wanted me to be with him. I understand time alone and time away and that is ok, in fact I needed it more than he probably did. But, I also learned some things about myself that surprised me and after doing some soul searching I'm really in conflict because it didn't take me in the direction I thought it would. He didn't ask me to elaborate, he just said he understood that and he said that I just got home let's give this a few days...

I still love him, but don't trust him. I'm feeling more and more like I want to ask him to leave and pursue where it might lead with the other guy. I am also afraid that I am not letting myself recover at all and this other guy is giving me exactly what I lacked so are my feelings authentic. He's not doing it to manipulate me because he has no way of knowing what I am feeling. I've told him nothing about my relationship. I do not think the other guy is playing me at all...he's far too patient if he is but I trust him.

Completely in conflict right now...just taking it one day at a time. But one thing I am doing is building my own life. If its separate from him then so be it but I've not had a lot of friends that weren't his we did things as couples, now I'm reaching out and going places with people I enjoy and making new friends. I know I am changing. Somehow through this I've become more confident, I don't know where it's coming from because you'd think that he'd have damaged my self-confidence. I have to work around kids' schedules too but doing this as much as possible and of course planning time with just me and the kids. I figure I will go about my life, focus on those things that make me happy, and follow my heart.

Maybe in the end this won't be under my husband's control at all and by not making a decision he will force one from me. He's very passive so he could go a long time with making no decision at all. He has a lot of patience that way. I've seen it with his parents, they ticked him off and he just made no effort to call, answer the phone, or see them for 9 months. They finally gave in. He won, he did nothing. I'm seeing the same pattern, he won't commit to fixing our relationship but he won't leave either.

Meantime, for the most part things are pleasant, he's good natured and we do things together, he's affectionate and tells me he loves me. Its when that girl gets involved things can get unpleasant but he's kept that from happening lately (then my mind says maybe he just does it behind my back...I have no proof). My son's b-day party is Saturday and I know hubby is not that stupid to invite her but she just tends to show up places, invites herself. My neighbor's kids are invited (the neighbors that are all wrapped up in this and the wife is having some sort of relationship with the 18 year old) so I worried that my neighbor would bring her. I told my husband this is our son's party and that girl cannot go and to make sure I think I will tell her that. He did not argue, but he said he would handle it that he would go talk to our neighbor and flat tell her not to bring the girl (those two are "best friends" so they go everywhere together). I guess its a step in the right direction, and after that step not sure where I am headed. Just one day at a time.....