I posted a week or so ago about an impending separation. Well, so far, no one has moved anywhere, though we did spend some time getting info about how to tell our son, and have told a few friends that it was going to happen. So, it's good that nothing's happened, but I have an overwhelming sense of doom, that something bad is about to happen. I'm so scared, I don't want a divorce. I never did. I just wanted something I wasn't getting from my husband and wasn't able to make that clear to him, and now that I've ruined my marriage, I am so deeply sorry and full of regret and anger at myself.
He had his individual session last night, came home, and while in bed, he held me and asked me more questions, about why I brought up trust that one day when I was going to meet the other guy (as friends). He'd said to me that morning, "I love that we can trust each other like this." And then that day, I kissed the other guy (not planned) and brought him home (as planned) for dinner. Why did I bring it up in the morning? I dont' know. Maybe I felt guilty, maybe it was my brain raising red flags and I was too stupid/clouded by the attention I was getting to understand that that meant at the time.
So today we have our joint session and the impending sense of doom I have is so real. I feel sick to my stomach and am on the verge of tears as I write this. I hate what I did. I HATE IT, but there's nothing I can do to take it back, and husband is unwilling/unable to get past the trust thing. I told him again that I am in this 100% and always have been and will not give up. He said he wished he could say the same thing but can't. I am dying inside, and it's all my fault. I don't want my marriage to end. I don't know what to do.
