in some ways what your going through is what my and my wife are going through right now. she was the one that messed up. now everytime i dont hear from her or things dont add up i go through the whole rainbow of emotions and end up angry. there is alot that doesnt add up but i can only go on what she says that she wants to work on this. ive told her if i ever find out that she is still dealing with this guy the door is open and it only swings one way. my instinct says that she is still has some contact with him but i dont have any proof. and right now her word isnt golden.
my advice to you is if you want this marriage to work this other guy needs to be out the picture. the problem with starting a new relationship while your still in the marriage is that it only leads to confusion. it seems like your husband is trying and you need to tell him what you want. everything your getting from this guy you can get from your husband. i dont want to sound mean but you need to grow up. not only will you hurt your husband but you will hurt the other man and it might even tricle down to your kids. And trust me all the fighting you say your fighting for your marriage while longing for this other man is only helping to distroy your marriage. you will never be happy with what your husband gives you emotionally cause it wont compare to what you think you could of gotten from this other loser. I hate men who cant find a relationship of their own. this is exactly why men lose it and end up in jail. I told my wife when you let the next man into the relationship as a mans point of view its like a burgular coming into your house and taking everything that means anything to them. this guy is no good. he is only telling you what you want to hear because while he will get his "reward" he wont have to deal with all the strings of a relationship. you will still be in limbo and he will be still getting his reward. he is what i call a TAKER. everyone in some way is a taker but he is one in the worst way.
sorry if it sounds like im attacking you but you seem like such a good person. i understand that you were hurt but hurting others wont make you feel better. if you really want to save the marriage you will stop talking to this guy altogether.
the pastor on tv said that when you get married you will never like everything that your spouse does for you. you love them like 80% and cant stand the other 20%. when you go out the marriage you may find a person that gives you that 20% but you still have to understand that that person has 20% that your not gonna like and there is a whole 60% thats up in the air. made so much sense to me when i heard it.
your husband however needs to decide what he is going to do. he cannot string you along. that is also destroying the marriage. you need to be firm with him and tell him he has to make a choice. and if he doesnt tell me and ill come knock some sense into him
just kidding.