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swedish · 08-07-2008, 01:19 PM

Hi Leahdorus,

It's hard to explain the overwhelming sense of betrayal unless you've been there. The fact that he has been willing to go to counseling is really good. He is bound to retrace conversations, etc. from that time over and over in his head and is trying to sort out what part of the marriage is 'real' and what is based on lies/deception. It's a very difficult and confusing process. Some days you feel you don't know this person at all and other days you reminisce and believe the good times were real. That he is still asking you questions is also a positive sign that he is trying to work through all of this. What it really comes down to in the end is if he will ever be able to forgive you and trust you and only he will know that.

The remorse you show comes across as very sincere and that can only help in your situation. Also, stopping the behavior that would now cause him to question what you are doing (not on the computer anymore, etc) is another good step to make him see that you are willing to do what it takes to make amends. All of these things are necessary in the area of rebuilding trust.

Forgiveness requires a lot of empathy and soul-searching. The ability for him to see why you strayed from the marriage from your point of view and even if he thinks he would never cross that line, be able to say I can see, based on where our marriage, was why this happened. Acknowledging his role in the marriage at the time and things he really believes he should have been doing better will give him some sense that if you are stronger together it won't happen again. Hopefully counseling is helping him sort this out.

There is also a lot of pride involved. The last thing he probably wants is to feel like a doormat and sometimes just forgiving and moving forward gives you that sense that now she thinks I will just put up with anything she does even if it is devastating to me. You can help in this area by letting him set boundaries on what he needs you to do to earn back his trust. It will give him some sense of control over the situation.

Good luck...don't think the worst or you will lose focus on the work/progress you are making.

08-07-2008, 01:19 PM	#3 (permalink)
swedish Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Near Chicago Posts: 1,399	Re: So scared Hi Leahdorus, It's hard to explain the overwhelming sense of betrayal unless you've been there. The fact that he has been willing to go to counseling is really good. He is bound to retrace conversations, etc. from that time over and over in his head and is trying to sort out what part of the marriage is 'real' and what is based on lies/deception. It's a very difficult and confusing process. Some days you feel you don't know this person at all and other days you reminisce and believe the good times were real. That he is still asking you questions is also a positive sign that he is trying to work through all of this. What it really comes down to in the end is if he will ever be able to forgive you and trust you and only he will know that. The remorse you show comes across as very sincere and that can only help in your situation. Also, stopping the behavior that would now cause him to question what you are doing (not on the computer anymore, etc) is another good step to make him see that you are willing to do what it takes to make amends. All of these things are necessary in the area of rebuilding trust. Forgiveness requires a lot of empathy and soul-searching. The ability for him to see why you strayed from the marriage from your point of view and even if he thinks he would never cross that line, be able to say I can see, based on where our marriage, was why this happened. Acknowledging his role in the marriage at the time and things he really believes he should have been doing better will give him some sense that if you are stronger together it won't happen again. Hopefully counseling is helping him sort this out. There is also a lot of pride involved. The last thing he probably wants is to feel like a doormat and sometimes just forgiving and moving forward gives you that sense that now she thinks I will just put up with anything she does even if it is devastating to me. You can help in this area by letting him set boundaries on what he needs you to do to earn back his trust. It will give him some sense of control over the situation. Good luck...don't think the worst or you will lose focus on the work/progress you are making.