Grendel

Hello-

My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for the past 3. I am 30 and she is 29 and we do not have any children. We have had a strange history in that I am a 4th year medical student that has spent many months away from her. We both admit that we have a lot of good things in our relationship but I have squandered them because I have a intimacy issues. Issues that have been present before medical school. I find her Very attractive, but I have always felt awkward and uncomfortable being intimate and romantic with her. I dont know where this comes from. I wish I knew how to be confident in this area, but I feel that I am terrible at it. She has put up with it for years because of the good things we have in our relationship. There are other issues as well.

She feels like she is the only responsible one and wishes that I would be "more manly" and plan things, take charge of things and show initiative. I agree that with intimacy, the checkbook, and vacations or getaways, etc. I have not been taking charge. Im not sure why other than it seems that if I do actually do something for us on my own (far and few between) it always seems to miss the mark and I felt terrible about it. I believe it was this emotion that led me to avoid doing things like this for us. All of this combined with other things makes her feel like she is not secure with me and that I am incapable of being a man.

After years of what she feels as rejection and disappointments, she has decided to leave me and move to a city far away in order to get space because she is not "in love" with me anymore. She does not say that this is the end of us but I can feel her putting me on the friend shelf and it is so painful. She admits that she does love me, but sees me more as a brother/friend than a husband. To make matters worse, she has met up with a former friend that she was romantically involved with many many years ago and he lives in a city very close to where she plans to move. She is adamant that she does not have any relationship with him that would be considered inappropriate, but cannot promise that it will not evolve while she is there.

I am absolutely terrified. I have never in my life felt so much emotion. It is taking over my body, my thoughts, my dreams. I am trying so hard to keep it together so that I can figure out a way to keep us together and Im running out of time. I love her so so dearly and want to give her the future and security that she wants, but I think it might be too late. She will not go to a counselor and has been stoic in her refusal to change her mind. I have been looking deep into myself and have come to terms that I have been selfish, inconsiderate, and insecure for quite a long time. I would do anything to take it all back and be the husband that she deserves. However, ll I can do is take advantage of the little time that we have till she moves out. I know that if she goes I will lose her to this guy. If this happens, I will not be able to come back from that. Please someone give me guidance!