voivod

ok, i'm gonna lay my whole story out in this first post, indulge me please. i had a potentially devastating stroke on 1/25/08. i am now at home, on my way to (neurologist and physiologist say) near full recovery. I see my wife as a guardian angel, let me explain: she says God told her to stay home from work the day of my stroke. she found me in bed, paralyzed completely on my left side. she did the assessment on me (she works in the medical industry) called 911, got the top neurosurgeon in the region (not my opinion, wife works at a docs office, this guy come highly recommended) on standby in case they needed to crack my head open to stop the bleeding (stroke was a massive cva rather than the more common eschemic). i was in a coma for 7 days, and the first 3 days & nights i was in the hospital my bp was wildly out of control (210/115 was a not an uncommon reading during this time) doc said 72 hours, if i survive that long and it doesn't come down, he's going in. anyway, docs notice that when wife is with me, bp goes down. she was staying at the hosp this whole time, sleeping in a chair next to my bed at night. she would hold my hand, bp would go down. this confounded docs, but she got full credit when bp returned to a semi-normal reading of 150/90 by day three. so here i am today, this is the "love of my life" and if ya don't understand that, wow.

we met at work in 1988 while i was still married to my first wife, co-habitated for 3+ years, married in 1991 have 4 children girl 16, girl 11, girl 9, boy 5. no adultery during this marriage, BUT heavy alcohol use (me) and issues that arose from that (money, anger with NO physical abuse, probably integrity issues as she sees it), cuz i did a high profile LOCAL (i'm NOT that guy, but the show was similar) radio show in a medium market where i have lived most of my life. people know me, and i wonder if she feels my cavalier on air persona was a reflection on her. lots of things that have left what i have learned is called "wreckage from the past" that has created some resentment.

Sooo...i'm home from the hospital in april. it gets hot here, and one of my rehab goals was to push the mower around, mow my own lawn, guess what...i did, and can! so i come in from a typically hot late spring afternoon here (100 degrees) for a cool drink. i open the fridge and "voila!" sitting there was an ice cold coors lite. i popped it and drank it, violating a post stroke promise i'd made to her: no more alcohol, as that it a cause of the conditions that led to the stroke.

she comes home and asks "where's the beer that was in the fridge?" i tell her i had it and holy [censored] she goes into a rage. scared mt younger two daughters, tears and flinging her wedding ring at me and saying "how can you do this to me after i saved your life?? is that all the more you care???" and said "that's it. i'm leaving."

she ratholed money awat for the next 3 weeks and moved out on june 20th. in those 3 weeks i was as perfect a gentleman as i could be, to the point where she called my sister in AZ and told her she "was having 2nd thoughts" about separating. now i felt the move out coming (she's very strong willed) and prayed "please God let Beth see that i am trying to be a better man" began attending aa (sober now for 77 days) and seeing a counselor for the other issue and i'll be a sunuvagun this guy is anti co-dependency. see's it as destructive and feels it has infiltrated al-anon (comment if any of you have sensed that). wife has been at both counseling sessions that her presence has been requested. I WANT THIS WOMAN BACK!!! i love her so much, my kids and me need a complete family inluding me, her, and our precious 4 babies!!!

here's what's going on right now, wife continues to keep me close. in fact we're spending more time together now than when we lived together (part of which can be attributed to the fact that i haven't worked since the stroke. anyway, i've been replaying in my mind a few hard-core hurtful comment she's shot at me during the separation (your love was like a cage, you were always so insecure, i had to justify buying clothes while you were spending our money on booze..) but here's the thing: lemme give you an example of a day right now. she get's a dvd movie, we go swimming, she cooks dinner and we hang out till 10pm or so when the kids go to bed and i go "home" (hard to call it home when she's not there) last saturday's agenda: she invited me to attend a fund raising showing of wizard of oz at a downtown theater, then she went to her mom's house to pick some sweet corn. then she got back to the apartment, she called me all cheery and invited me to pick up a couple of things at the store, pick up napoleon dynamite at hastings and come over & have dinner and watch movie.

all this from a woman who doesn't love me ??? can't live with me??? don't misunderstand me, i'm reading smalley's book "how to win back your wife" and i'm following all his suggestions. i KNOW i've made mistakes. i AM honoring my wife now, big time.
i'm doing aa, sober for several weeks, seeing a counselor. etc.

i know that's a long story, sorry, i just wanted you guys to know there's a history here. my question is: is there anything else i could be doing for my marriage? my wife? our children? i want us back together soo baaad.