Leahdorus

Thank you both for your replies. I know it's not up to me at this point, that it is up to him.

I have stopped all "bad" behavior months ago. There has been no contact with the other guy since December. I don't go looking at his web pages, I am not chatting with anyone online at all anymore. I've told him that, he sees it. And I've told him my life is transparent now - if he wants to see into any of my accounts, he is welcome to. I am working hard to change my behavior - in past sessions, he's said that he felt not listened to, that I wanted to solve the problems and not just listen and let him vent, that it was always a one-upmanship with whose day is worse... I am now listening and not offering advice unless asked, not talking about me and my day as much, trying to do what he said he wanted.

He said last night, "I don't understand" - and I think he was talking about he doesn't understand how we could have had such a trusting relationship, one that was unlike any other we'd seen, we took such pride in that, and then I went and broke that trust. I don't know what to say. I did it. I wish I hadn't. I wasn't thinking clearly, was thinking of myself and what I needed, and made very wrong choices. It doesn't make sense, so of course it's hard to understand. I'm killing myself with all the "should have dones" and don't know what to do with myself now.

He is willing to keep employees in his business that aren't doing their job the way he needs them to, but he's not (yet) willing to give me a second chance to show that this was a mistake, not a way of life for me, and that I was lost and confused and it's not a pattern and won't happen again. That makes me so *&%#& sad.