BlueCreek

I feel for your uncertainty and I understand where your lack of trust is coming from. Your husband has done a very poor job of distancing himself from that girl. I've posted a couple responses to you before and you know I'm pulling for you here. However, you really need to take a look at the friendship you've got going with this man and the impact it is going to have. The closer you get to him, the less you are going to be open to getting things worked out with your husband. And the more time you spend with him, the more you are going to connect regardless of your intentions. Maybe you haven't shared anything remotely physical with him yet, so maybe you have nothing physical to feel guilty about, but he's telling you all these great things and treating you this way because he obviously knows you like it and want it. He is responding to an opening you have chosen to give him. Like your husband, you are already in an EA. Now he went into his first while you've been driven into yours by him, but both are still choices you are each making.

Something iheartmywife said that I agree with (though with perhaps not quite so much vehemence ) is that this other guy is really not all that great. A gentleman and a good person would NEVER hit on woman that is married and let them know they want it to go further. He may say and do all the right things to try and build up a friendship (and with hopes of more,) but we're talking about basic morals and inner character here, and it's a pretty big flaw to go after (even patiently) someone who is married knowing that you are wrecking a marriage that might still be saved. A truly good person would offer friendship and support, but would not hit on you in any way, and would only try and do everything he could to help you save your marriage, regardless of how attracted he might be to you. I have a pretty low opinion of someone who would do otherwise. Instead of actually supporting you and thinking about you and the kids, he's taking advantage of you. I honestly am not trying to be harsh with you here and I know I'm passing judgment on someone I don't know, but there is a core level of morals I expect out of what I consider a good guy, and he's failing a pretty big one.

Look, I know you are having a hard time, and I understand that you don't trust your husband.

(However, I'm turning the corner a little bit on that. While it's obvious he's still unsure about the future of your marriage, despite all your efforts, and undoubtedly it boosts his ego having a teenager have a crush on him, it sounds a bit more like he is trying to be honest with you, even if he is not making the effort he should to not spend time around that girl. Incidentally, I have a boy who is nearly five. He talks about things he did with grandma like it was yesterday when he hasn't seen her in months and always swaps days, weeks, and even years around when talking about things that have happened or when he thinks they are going to happen. He'll do something like tell me "I'm going to back to school in two weeks" with absolute conviction when I pick him up on a Friday, or talk about something we did "last year" when it was something we did yesterday. As you know, I was originally skeptic he would stay faithful while you are gone, but only an absolute scum bucket would cheat on their spouse with a four year old sleeping in the house.)

But there is one thing I am a firm believer in with any relationship or marriage, no matter how bad. One emotional/physical relationship at a time. For one, it's just common decency to not do anything with someone else until you're clear of the one your with, but also iheartmywife is dead on accurate. If you don't figure out what you really want first, your relationship this other guy is likely to become a self fulfilling prophecy in that it will destroy your marriage even while you're telling your husband he needs to work harder at it. Even if you husband tries, the freshness of this new relationship will make if feel more powerful and you'll be comparing what your husband is trying to do and it won't stack up (something you are already doing.) It's not right for you to be dependent emotionally on another man while you're trying to work things out with your husband. You cannot be committed to repairing your family (your kids count too) while your interest in another man is blossoming, any more than you husband can when he is letting his ego be stroked by a girl with a crush.

I'm not a preachy person. People have all sorts of different personalities and needs, and I'm not one to tell anyone what they absolutely have to do, especially so when I don't know them personally. I do, however, firmly believe that affairs of any kind are flat out wrong. Your marriage may be nearing it's end, but determine that for a fact first. Your husband may or may not deserve that respect, but as a good person (and from all your posts, you so obviously are,) you deserve that self respect.

My advice is to tell your friend that you do appreciate all the emotional support he has given you, but you need to take a breather from him and find out once and for all if your marriage can be saved before you continue with the friendship and see where it leads. Your marriage stands zero chance the way your are headed otherwise. While I know most non abusive marriages can be saved by two people who make the choice and commitment to rediscover their love and passion, some marriages simply will not make it, no matter the effort or desire. Such may be your case, but you HAVE to figure that out first. By choosing to develop this friendship with someone your emotional and physically attracted to, you are making the choice to give up any chance your marriage might have. Read up on the "honeymoon period" since it directly relates to having emotional affairs. It's a powerful and fresh emotion that drives people to affairs or chose to leave a marriage, when that powerful emotion will never last either without lots of work. If you need explicit proof, remember that while the divorce rate among first marriages may hover around 50%, but it's about 65% second marriages. If you chose to end the marriage, make the decision based on you and your husband only, not what someone else "might" be able to give you.

Take this with a grain of salt because I've never been through anything like what you are. I know neither you nor your husband personally so cannot tell exactly how close you are to the leaving point, how he might react, or what exactly it would take for both of you be totally in love again. But my advice is to just bite the bullet and sit down with your husband and lay it all out on the line. Tell him that a month ago you were 100% committed to your marriage, but because if his failures to put forth the same effort as you have that he has driven you to that same 50-50 point he is. Let him know that while he's been letting his ego be stroked by someone else and picturing the fabled greener grass, you've met someone that has started saying all the right things to make you feel beautiful and special the way he (your husband) is supposed to. (I'm not in favor of using a potential affair to get your spouse to take you seriously, but if the reality is that you have every intention of moving on unless he meets you halfway, it's fair to let him know.) You've been asking him what you can do to make him interested in saving your marriage and trying to do whatever you can think of to help him. Let him know, that the way things stands with his lack of effort, you're losing interest in the marriage too. Tell him that you have no doubt that both of you can be as passionately in love with each other as you were the day he proposed, but only if he can put forth the same effort as you are and support your needs emotionally in the same way you've tried to support him. Let him know that no matter how much it may crush you to leave him, unless he decides to commit to you and work with you to restore the passion and whatever else is missing, that you don't think there is any hope.

What do you have to lose? Best case scenario, your husband is shocked to learn you already have a friend you are able to turn to and it's now his turn to do everything he can to try and win you back. Worst case scenario, he says that's it then and the marriage is over. But if you continue with this friendship with this other guy while still working on your marriage, it's probably doomed anyway.

Just whatever you decide to do, however long you decide to wait, or whatever chances you decide to give your husband...you are a good person, you deserve happiness that emotional connection with someone, but you need to be honest with yourself and your family. It may be difficult, but don't proceed with this friendship until you decide exactly what you are going to do. And, even though we don't know this guy personally, trust iheartmywife and myself just a little bit as men in our high level view of this "friend" of yours, and see past what he says to make you feel good and just think about the character of man who would willing hit on a woman who is still married. It's an important thing to consider.