I am familiar with the love languages, we thought hers were the same as mine (touch and words) but over the last year, I think hers may be quality time and acts of service. Which means I have been trying to switch gears and get more things done around the house(not one of my strong points!). I already spend time with her as much as possible, that is natural for me since I love being around her so much. It goes back to her maybe feeling under-appreciated. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is but maybe she needs to hear how much I appreciate how clean the house is. I have already started that process, but only very recently.
You struck a nerve with me when you said; "Most women need to feel emotionally connected to their spouse to want sex...the 'i'm going to jump your bones when you walk in the door kind'..."
I have always said, that if a woman doesn't want sex, the man must be doing something wrong where emotional fulfillment is concerned. I have been trying, just not the correct things, or maybe I undermine myself by handling her the wrong way in other areas. Somehow, someway, I have made her feel emotional disconnection and I am desparetely trying to figure out how and why and what I can do to fix it. Becuase I wasn't aware that it was happening. As attentive and wise as I try to be, it can still get past you if you aren't as alert as you can be. Me letting all this effect me so negatively has made my senses dull, I need to sharpen them up again (I guess that's what Im doing on this forum!).
In the mean time, as the guys have said, her using me for sex is better than none at all!
Originally Posted by swedish
I have to agree with babyblues. It does seem as though there is something bothering her, whether specific or depression in general and once that is resolved the rest should fall into place.
Most women need to feel emotionally connected to their spouse to want sex...the 'i'm going to jump your bones when you walk in the door kind'...when they are feeling alone/distant it's more along the lines of getting your feet rubbed...yeah, that would feel good right now so I wouldn't mind doing it since you brought it up, but it's not preceded by sexual urges throughout the day, etc.
The 5 Love Languages...(common suggestion on here) is a good read to see what makes her feel loved/appreciated. Being home all day with 4 kids can be draining especially when the ex has them in the 'it's ok to disrespect mom' mode (been there done that...well actually still doing that) It might be a good idea, if you can swing it, to start going on dates (if you don't already) and spending time with just the two of you. I would definitely say you make the plans and do things where you can sit/talk/relax away from everything. It could lead to a good environment for her to start opening up about how she's been feeling.
When I think back a year or so a good question my husband could have asked me was 'how is your life now married w/kids different than what you imagined it to be?' I think that's what I figured out I needed to ask myself and then start making some changes.