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Is she cheating or is it me?

152K views 432 replies 89 participants last post by  Machiavelli 
#1 ·
Hi All,
I need some help, how many times have you read that line? I, like others before me have read quite a lot of threads on here before deciding to put my worries out there. The reading has resulted in a few things:
• Shock at how similar some of the issues I have been facing are to those already on here, I read one thread and could have almost believed I’d written it myself.
• Realisation that I probably already know the truth but am in denial.
• A need within me to think that this site is full of bitter people that can only see the bad in a situation and always end up telling anyone new on here that they are being cheated on. I hope this is true but clearly, if I thought that deep down then I wouldn’t be typing right now.
• I’ve realise how scared I am of knowing the truth for sure and having to deal with the consequences.

Quick background: Have been married 8 years, together 10, have two boys (4 and 6) with my wife and two older children from my previous marriage living with us. Both my wife and I are in our late thirties/early forties.

My story – I’ve been working progressively longer hours for a few years now, I have a commute and am out of the house from 6.30 am to about 6.00pm and work has been challenging. Around the end of October I noticed some changes in my wife, she was being less expressive e.g. wasn’t telling me she loved me, seemed to stop texting me, didn’t always respond to texts, stopped telling me she missed me etc. She then said she wanted to go visit an elderly relative on her own, very out of character and would have meant a night away (never done before).
She also started doing some admin work for a plumber that’s done quite a lot of work for us, I was a bit uncomfortable because she has to work in his house, she tells me he is never there and he has given her a key. I noticed them texting a bit, found a text from him to her saying nite nite xxx (his spelling).
Anyway, to get to the point, I talked to her about how I was feeling, said I was worried we were drifting, blamed me for being distant etc. Said I had even imagined that there might be something going on with her and the plumber. She said she still loves me and wants to be with me and that we are just in a rut and it will take her time to readjust. She says that it has been this way for a long time. I disagree, with hindsight, yes we were in a rut but her change has been within the last few months, when I text her ‘I miss you’ she doesn’t respond in kind but changes the subject. She used to wave
My suspicions are obvious; my evidence to date is slim:
• Text saying nite nite xxx (didn’t copy or confront, felt guilty for looking at her phone).
• Since I mentioned having concerns over the plumber she deletes all texts and phone records.
• She now has the phone on silent and it rarely ever leaves her side, she has also set it so that messages don’t show a preview.
• She went to Toys r us a week or so ago and spent half an hour in a car park on the way (I left my iPhone in the car and tracked her. I confronted her, she said she had just needed space but had phoned the plumber whilst there ‘about work’. She would have lied about the stop off if I hadn’t had the proof.
This guy is going through a rough time with his ex and is having issues over how she looks after their son. I know he has confided in my wife and I worry that the consoling might have crossed a line. He is a cheeky chappy and is the type to flirt but the kisses made me uncomfortable. I hope she is deleting the texts so that I just don’t worry. She says she is committed to our relationship and there is no one else.
I tried the 180 last night and got an instant response, she was very playful and this morning she told me she loved me, first time since I first talked to her about all this six weeks ago.
I’m rambling now, I just want some thoughts. Is this just me? I love her more than anything and have been extremely needy the last couple of months.

To be fair to her, in the last year she has taken on a job at a childrens nursery 3 mornings a week, volunteers for a cat charity and started doing the plumbers work so I guess maybe there were bound to be some changes.

Please help, what do I do next?
 
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#211 ·
It's time for you to decide whether a physical affair would be a breaking point for you.

If it is don't bother wasting your time and sanity trying to prove anything.

It was (most likely is) physical and this is not speculation.

If a PA is not a breaking point for you you'd better start seeing an IC and an MD NOW.

You are on the roughest road I've ever traveled, and I really feel for you. Hang in there my friend, and I am so sorry.
 
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#213 ·
I agree. Retrieve the deleted messages and read them before confronting, or she can say it was work-related, innocent flirting. Yada, yada, yada.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#214 ·
There are not that many calls, those that had been made were usually whilst I was at work so need for her to hide in the car.
I think I'll try the VAR again just to see.
I searched whilst she was out today an found nothing.

She worked for him on Tuesday, he sent her a text later thanking her for all her hard work. I'm beginning to shake. Think I need a walk and some time out the house.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#215 ·
And please, once you have the texts, don't wave them in her face first thing and ask her to explain.

Ask her calmly one more time if there is anything going on. DO not let her know you have the texts. NEVER EVER EVER EVER reveal your sources of information.

NEVER.
 
#217 ·
The VAR would be very useful if you could somehow get it to his house and then retrieve it safely. Does your wife have a big purse? Satchel? Something you could hide a small VAR in?
 
#231 ·
I concur. These revelations are brutal. Andy, get those texts and come back here first before exposing. We can help you make this airtight with no wiggle room for your WW or sh!t sifter. I know this is tough, but now it's time to toughen up. Brace yourself, but also keep in mind that everyone that is talking to you right now has been there, done that, and survived. And you will too, no matter what happens.

And to add to what Chap asked about her possibly knowing something is off, go into James Bond mode. Be very cool and actually engaging with her. Don't tip your hand if you can at all help it. I know it's tough to consider, but it will be your best bet at maximum impact when it's time to not be not so cool.

Get your info and come back.

Hang in there, partner.
 
#236 ·
She was asking if I was OK last night, I blamed my quietness on the cold I have at the moment.
I talked before about how much you should really want to know and the effect it has on you, I have been analysing her text records to the point of obsessiveness, e.g. I now know how many texts there were on each day and the time for each so it’s clear she was texting first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
I used to think that she took her phone with her in the evening when she went for a bath to stop me looking, now it’s clear that she was texting him.
Our wedding anniversary was 29th October, she gave me a nice card with a nice message, she text him 41 times from 9.57am to 11.28pm.
I’ve looked at other days too, I can’t help myself. It hurts, I don’t know if I can handle seeing the texts.
I want this to be over, I’m at work, I can’t concentrate, and this is all consuming.
How can you possibly act as if everything is ok whilst waiting to get more info? Part of me feels like I don’t even want to let her hold my hand and another part wants to hold on to her for dear life and sob.
 
#238 ·
The good thing is, now that I know the extent of the texting I feel abit braver about taking action so I'm going to:

- look for deleted texts this weekend, if I have to I'll just take the phone out of her bag and do it.

- put the VAR in her bag on Tuesday when she goes to work. It's a USB one but she has quite a large bag with a lot of junk in it so it's unlikely she'll notice. And if she does, so what?

Then I'll confront with whatever I have.
 
#240 ·
Andy, sorry For your pain. I know what you are going thru, I like you would analyze and analyze information trying hard to process it all. My xw had an affair with a good friend. (we divorced and they were married 6 months later) I had no idea it was going on, after I discovered the A I found that six months earlier on Christmas eve she had had sex with me then texted him. Went to bed and texted him the first thing Christmas morning....I had to take the day off work to let it process. What I am saying is I know your pain, I have been there and survived. Take care of yourself! Work out! Get some new clothes! Prepare to be on your own, as without TRUE remorse from her, that is where you are going to be. Remember that you control no one but yourself. You do not control her BUT she does not control you, you are responsible for you. Get some IC arranged...be strong! Come here often many good people to help you thru.
 
#242 ·
Cut her finances. Let her live on her own for a while and stop being a doormat. She will soon realise OM isn't a doormat.

You neglected her and realised this but she should have realised that you were being a decent man providing for your family and helping elderly family. Communication obviously not high on the agenda and if she had been reminded of all that you were doing then things could have been better. To feel neglected is one thing but to run off and share and betray all your life together with OM is another.

You see cheaters are easily influenced. They listen to cheaters other people who are also betraying their family.

You should consider cold turkey. Give her all the freedom she wants with other man or tell her its you and the kids or OM but not both.

Texting OM on your anniversay is way out of order and she is playing games with your head. Time to man up and stop feeling guilty for the time your bosses had you over worked.

The problem is people are shackled in chains working way too much whilst the bosses slink off early.

Acknowledge the neglect and make amends but if she aint rising to the challenge then its her loss, not yours. Remember, she's cheatin and betraying you and she doesn't deserve YOUR respect! End of...
 
#243 ·
originally posted by carmen ohio:

While I greatly respect the other posters on this thread, I believe many of them, like you, are missing the big picture here -- namely, what should you do to regain your happiness.

From reading your notes, it is clear that you were absent from class the day they handed out the "how to be happy" instructions. So let me fill you in on The 10 Rules for Happiness:

Rule No. 1: You only get one life; never forget that. Corollary: You don't know how long you will live, you could live another 50 years or you might die tomorrow; never forget that either.

Rule No. 2: Deal with things as they really are, not as you would like them to be. Face up to your problems rather than pretending they don't exist or hoping they will simply go away.

Rule No. 3: You are solely responsible for your own happiness: don't expect or look to others to make you happy.

Rule No. 4: Your decisions and actions will have the greatest impact on your happiness. If you do the right things, your life will be better and vice versa. Corollary: Be honest with yourself about your failings and genuinely seek to improve yourself.

Rule No. 5: There is no guarantee that you will always be happy: some people win life's lottery, most don't and some people get the shaft. Corollary 1: Don't complain about the cards you are dealt or wallow in self-pity. Instead, focus on what you can control and learn not to worry about the rest. Corollary 2: Understand that it sometimes takes time and effort to regain your happiness.

Rule No. 6: Understand what makes you happy and what doesn't. Corollary 1: Since you will change over time, reconsider from time to time what will make you happy now and adjust your decisions and actions accordingly. Corollary 2: When something happens that makes you very unhappy, consider the totality of the situation: sometimes cutting down a few trees is the answer, other times you need to look for a new forest in which to live.

Rule No. 7: Do what makes you happy. Don't do what others (parents, friends, bosses, spouses, even children) want you to do unless it is what makes you happy. This might sound selfish but it's not. Some people are happiest when they are serving others (e.g., firemen, Mother Teresa).

Rule No. 8: If you are unhappy about something, eliminate it from your life or, if that is not possible, minimize the degree of unhappiness it can cause you. If it's a situation (like a bad job), change it. If it's a thing (like a poorly operating car), get rid of it. If it's a person (like a wayward spouse), stop interacting or least minimize contact with the person. Corollary: When something or someone starts to cause you unhappiness, take action immediately; don't wait around hoping things will get better.

Rule No. 9: You don't apologize to anyone for doing what makes you happy. Corollary: You have no obligation to explain yourself or justify your decisions or actions. If you choose to do so, it should only be because it is to your advantage to do so.

Rule No. 10: Be the best person you can be, as you measure things. For most men, this means being fit and attractive to members of the opposite sex, being financially successfully and being emotionally strong and independent. But if you measure life success differently (e.g., displaying Christian virtues, gaining notoriety, acquiring power), then make these the main focus of you efforts.

If we apply these rules to your situation, it become readily apparent that you are breaking all the rules. For example:

☻ You are focused in the moment rather than thinking about how you want to live the rest of your life (violation of Rule No. 1).

☻ You are more concerned about what your W may or may not have done rather than dealing with what you know she has done (violation of Rule No. 2).

☻ You seek affirmation from your W of your self-worth and the guidance of strangers as to what you should do, rather than taking responsibility for yourself (violation of Rule Nos. 3, 4 and 9).

☻ You are reluctant to take steps to improve your situation and instead are wallowing in self-pity and shame (violation of Rule Nos. 5, 7, 8 and 10).

☻ You seem not to have thought deeply about what you really want out of life (violation of Rule No. 6).

☻ You reject the notion that your life may have to radically change in order for you to (eventually) be happy (another violation of Rule No. 6).

Based on the facts as you have recited them, I believe you have ample reason to be unhappy in your current circumstances and sufficient justification for taking action. So let me offer you an alternative approach to your problem that is consistent with the Rules of Happiness:

1. Sit your W down and tell her that you are so unhappy with your marriage that you are prepared to end it. Explain that, given what you know (OM's note, her hiding her phone messages, etc.), you can only conclude that either she is having an affair or that she doesn't care about you (as these are the only two reasons why she would not have taken steps to address your concerns when you first raised them). Say that, in either case, you would rather end your marriage than continue it since you deserve and are confident that you can have better than what you have right now.

2. Tell her that, out of love for her and your children, you are willing to give her one last chance to save her marriage and prove to you that she is a worthy wife. This requires her telling you everything that has happened between her and her boss, showing you all of her e-mails and text messages, giving you access to all of her communications in the future, immediately terminating all contact with her boss, demonstrating by word and deed on a daily basis that she loves and respects you and doing whatever else you require for her to prove her worth.

3. Tell her that it is her choice whether to do these things or not but, if she chooses not to, you plan to hire an attorney and file for divorce.

4. Stay calm and collected and don't argue with her. If she questions or challenges anything you say, calmly reply that she now knows what you expect of her and it is up to her to decide what she wants to do. Repeat your message as many times as necessary until she realizes that you mean what you say.

5. Give her a very short period of time to consider this. For example, tell her that you plan to speak to an attorney the next day so, if she wants to save her marriage, she has but a few hours to accept your offer.

6. If she refuses, immediately speak to an attorney and commence divorce proceedings.

7. If she agrees, continue to monitor her closely to make sure she does not go underground. Don't tolerate her complaining or pouting for more than a couple of days. If you get any indication that she is not serious about following through with her promise, start divorce proceedings.

8. For the foreseeable future, be cordial toward your W but nothing more. Don't initiate conversations, compliment her, argue with her or do anything else that would lead her to believe that she is anything special to you. Act at all times like a man who knows what he wants and knows that he can get what he wants, if not from her, then somewhere else.

9. Begin to take steps to improve yourself (exercise, work, activities). Make this -- along with your kids -- the focus of your life for now.

10. Start to educate yourself on what it takes to be a man in the 21st century. A good place to start is to read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay.

If you take these steps, I can't guarantee that you will end up in a happy marriage with your current W but I can promise that, eventually, you will give yourself the greatest chance of finding true happiness. The key point is that you can't control your W but you can control you. Hence, you should be doing the things that will eventually make you happy, whether your W wants to be with you or not.

I'm not saying any of this will be easy; it may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But unless you do it, your life will likely only get worse.

Wishing the best for you.
 
#244 ·
Andy I really feel for you right now. When I retrieved my WW's text history I tried to not let her know. I did not know about TAM at that point.

I was able to keep it up for a day or two but I finally couldn't take it anymore and pulled out 50+ pages of text history printed out and confronted her with it. She just gave me a blank stare and it got me nowhere. What it did do though was provide me with the resolve to get to the truth.

I simply outsmarted her and got her to admit to her affair through manipulation and mind games. It wasn't easy but it was lucky.

I guess my point is, you know she is involved in an affair but confronting with just the text history may not get you the closure you would hope for.

Like I said earlier, you should try to decide whether a PA is the final straw for you. I know you are in shock and can't think straight today so that answer may not come easily. I'm very sorry for what you are going through. When you confirm your fears please be prepared for total emotional and mental breakdown. Go for a run, lift some weights, talk to friends and family and try your best to take care of yourself.

And keep coming back here for support. We're all pulling for you.
 
#246 ·
I know we always talk about the 'scripts' and all but it still never ceases to amaze me how similar stories are here are TAM.

Like you, Andy, I had a similar situation - minus the plumber and add in a mutual friend who's in a band and lives 5 states away, so I know there was no PA.

Regardless of PA or not, your feelings of shakiness and sickness, etc are due to the fact that even if there is not PA, the magnitude of that volume of texts with someone besides you makes you uncomfortable.

In my situation, which again was similar and limited to FB and texting, I tried to play the game the same way you are now after discovering something was up - I allowed 'limited contact' for several months, but constantly checked phone records. Each and every time I saw his number pop up on the records, it turned my gut. Checking my wife's phone, I'd find a lot of meaningless banter between the two, but there were still things being deleted.

Things went on like this for 8 months - 8 MONTHS! Only to lead to a text that for me was the final straw - 'U look so good ;)'

It comes down to this... what are you comfortable with in your marriage and bond with your wife, where are your boundaries? If this makes you uncomfortable and is outside of your defined boundaries, then it has to stop. Regardless of how innocent, etc it all is, it needs to stop. Out of respect for you as a person and out of respect for your marriage, it has to stop. NC is the ONLY way you'll feel better.

Btw, the things you're doing and saying sound very similar to the things I did and said for months. Only now, after NC, do I finally feel a sense of resolve.

One more btw... you NEED to checkout marriedmansexlife.com, and read the book. I've been reading it for the past few days and it makes so many things clearer.
 
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