Duckman~
A couple things come to mind. The first, and probably most important, is that it sounds to me as if your marriage is not making progress...if anything you're spinning your wheels. In my opinion, the reason for that is that your wife sees and has to interact with the other man. There is a reason why I so very strong recommend No Contact (take a peek at this article "
The Purpose of No Contact"), and in summary you are living the reason. Until there is NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER, your marriage can not progress. Every time your wife sees or interacts with the OM, she gets the zing of adrenalin from the affair and starts all over again at square one. So I hate to tell you but although it's died down in intensity, and maybe *she* isn't contacting him and resisting somewhat....she's just "there" because she's still getting some needs met by being at her job.
I know this economy is horrible but for the good of your marriage and family I would strongly suggest that she quit her job and agree to NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN with this other man. That means never seeing him, never talking to him, never chatting or IM-ing...NO CONTACT. Yes it will pinch financially but if she was laid off you'd weather it together--weather this. If she can be transferred to another branch that would mean never seeing him, that would work--otherwise as long as they have contact and some interaction, there will be a connection and little or no progress will be made between you two.
Next, I think you two need to commit to actually WORKING at this. By working, I first that she'll have to go through a period of withdrawal getting over the other man and never being able to contact him again. Once she's past that (like a couple weeks maybe) then you two can get to work--agree to really try to rekindle her love for you and she agrees to really try to rekindle your love for her. Right now it sounds like she's just ignoring it and you are going nuts!
There are two steps to rebuilding love: one step is to ask her the things you've done that have hurt her--the Love Extinguishers. She may say "nothing" but then examine yourself. Have there been angry explosions? Are you a Faultfinder? Critical? It is vitally important that you discover what has been hurting her and commit to stopping those actions. Now ideally she would also look at herself and stop the actions that have been hurting you...but since you're here and she's not, I'll encourage you to start okay?
Step two is to find out what kindles love for her. Think of love as a fire--there are actions you can do that extinguish the love like dumping water on the fire...and some actions you can do that kindle it and make it flame hotter. I would suggest asking if she'd be willing to take the
Love Kindlers Questionnaire and then let her know that you'll learn to show her your love in a way that means "I love you" to her. Again ideally she would also want to learn what kindles your love...but since you're here and she's not, I'll encourage you to start okay?
