Originally Posted by dubBruin
Well, she continues to say she shouldn't have to drop him, because he isn't the problem. I agree that he's not the problem, but have told her he needs to be out of the situation completely before we can possibly begin to repair things.
Basically, she's unwilling to let him go.
What do I do now? I still love her, but I can't deal with the constant reminders of an emotional affair, with the nagging in the back of my head that it will just happen again. She's shown no willingness to put me ahead of other guys.
Is moving out my next option?
Nope--step number two is exposing the affair, remember?
#2--If she won't do #1 (and I'll assume she'll say something like, "How dare you invade my privacy like that! I would never give you access to everything!") then I would recommend exposing the affair. This means contacting people whom she respects who will likely tell her to knock it off and return to her marriage: like the pastor, her parents, a friend who'll tell her the truth, etc. You may also want to tell your parents so they can support you and you struggle with this, and tell her employer. See if this is a guy from work, right now they are at risk for a sexual harassment lawsuit because this is definitely unwanted sexual activity at work (you, as the spouse, do not want it and probably her bosses don't want it), using work resources for sexual reasons, and lowering productivity. The purpose of exposure is not to embarrass her or drag her name through the mud or revenge--there is just one purpose: to get the help you need to have the best chance to stop the affair. If her parents tell her "Honey stop this and go back to your husband" and her pastor tells her "It is not godly to carry on an affair" and her boss tells her "You can not work here because of this affair" she'll likely be angry--but the affair will END. That's the goal.
So tonight or tomorrow morning how about putting together a list of people who will likely tell her to stop messing around with other men and go back to her husband? I listed a few possibilities up above (YOUR family, her family, pro-marriage friends, employer, pastor, the Other Man's Wife or Significant Other), but bear in mind that her own family and siblings may conceivably support her and her affair (because they don't want to lose a daughter/sister). So come up with a list of people, dubBruin. Who will be pro-marriage and also be someone she sort of respects and might listen to?
Then to the people who are on your list of those to whom to expose the affair you would send a note like this:
"Two months ago, a year into our new marriage, my dear wife began texting a new guy friend at work a lot. She also began calling him on her drive to and from work. At first, she claimed they were 'Just Friends' but it has gone beyond friendship. A week later she asked that we take a weekend apart, and told me she was going to spend the nights with some friends. That whole weekend she lied and went over to be with him--then she texted him that now that he had her emotionally. She admits that she kissed him.
I have asked her point blank to work on our marriage and end all contact with the other man right now and never, EVER contact him again, but she refuses. I have told her that I'm in this 100% and thought she agreed to be in it 100% too but she refuses to give up her affair to repair the marriage. She is using work time and work resources to carry on this unwanted sexual behavior, and I'm asking for you to please pray for us and help me help her to honor her commitment.
Now dubBruin here's where a lot of people waffle and don't want to do it. They think "Well I'm dragging her name through the mud." No you're not. Her ACTIONS are doing that. Part of the thrill of an affair is that they are secret and no one knows...so if everyone knows all of a sudden and her mom calls "HEY what in the world is going on! I didn't raise you to cheat!" And her boss takes away her expense account...well suddenly the blush is off Mr. Work Buddy's rose. AND she knows that you're dead serious!
Second, her boss needs to know they are lowering productivity, using work resources, and putting the company at risk for a sexual harassment lawsuit to cavort around. The boss may nip it right in the bud! The OM's W, gf or SO also needs to know that your W is endangering her relationship. Again that may nip it right in the bud!
Third, your motivation here is to end the affair as quickly as possible, but your W is addicted to the "zing" and the high feeling of being wanted and interesting to someone. I can tell you right now that she *IS* going to be mad because she is like a drug addict and you just took away her drug! She will fight tooth and nail to get it back! But when someone's an addict and we do an intervention for their own good, don't we put up with some of their anger and screaming and threats "now" for their long-term good? Same here.
So be brave and expose this affair!