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Repressed, Unloving Wife?

15K views 78 replies 9 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
It's been a rough night and I've had no sleep.

Knock down, drag out with the H last night.

Same fight for 12 years now. He wants me to be "open, intimate, vulnerable and let him in". While I understand the concept and what he is saying, I don't know what to "share".

We have always acknowleged that he is the "woman" in the relationship and I am the "man". Meaning, he wants to talk, share, etc. I am of few words. I am a little OCD, controlling and thrive on routine. Vanilla. Coupled with my "lack of communication", he is going nuts and feeling unloved. Of course I love him. I tell him all the time, but I am a demonstrator, acts of service, when he needs WORDS.

He says I am repressed and he is tired of banging his head against my closed door. Probably true. He insists that he just wants me to be ME, but that obviously is not the case. He doesn't like that I don't communicate well verbally, I can very easily compartmentalize, and still be a happy person. I'm a strong, only-child, independant wife and he doesn't feel like there is room for him or appreciation for him.

We went through counseling last year and I have made an appointment for just me next week. What can I do? He believes our whole problem is my lack of communication and that it is ruining our marriage. I agree he has a point. I don't communicate so well with words, but actions. So is the problem ME? I'm going to the counselor to see if she can help "un-repress" me. Or is the problem that he wants me to do it his way and so far I am not capable? We haven't been able to find a middle ground.
 
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#2 ·
Have you asked him what it is he wants you to communicate?

Open, intimate, vulnerable might mean something different to him than it does to you. A dialogue with him about what he feels it means to be 'open, intimate and vulnerable' might help pave the way.

Could it be something as simple as talking to him about your day?

The problem might not be YOU, so find out what it is he wants, then proceed from there. He could just be really reaaaally needy.
 
#3 ·
It's not talking about my day. We do that. He says I can talk about the logistics of schedule, family....everything, but he never knows "where I'm at, how I'm feeling" etc. I am neutral, uptight.

I believe it is a mixture of him being needy, and me being "closed".
 
#4 ·
Get one of those fridge magnets with all the smiley face moods on it where you can put a frame around one of them. Then change it accordingly. Tell him to reference the fridge if he wants to know how you're feeling! :D

All seriousness though. I still think a discussion about HOW you can provide that information to him could help.
 
#5 ·
MsStacy that (was) our situation exactly until I finally realized that that's how she is. What still often bothers me is in wondering why she knows it's an issue with me and doesn't make any real effort to change that. We did the 5 languages and identified what's most important but she never followed through. It isn't that she doesn't love me, just hard to get into a new routine. It's difficult to get into the habit of not being who you are. She (like you) shows love the only way she knows how. My wife works in an office and schedules appointments, she loves tasks. If i'm out of coffee she will run to the grocery store before work, bring it home, brew it and leave a little note. She will take my car to the wash and clean it like new. Women like you are wired different, I remember years ago, I dated for two years a whiny, clingy little drama queen that I couldn't stand (but a fantastic lover) but I'd rather take my robotic wife.
 
#6 ·
We have had discussions. I have asked him what he wants me to say. He wants to know what I think, feel, who I am, what's in my head. I agree that I keep to myself. I'm an "in my head" type of person. He wants to know when I'm angry, mad, happy, disappointed, etc. And yes, I should tell him when I'm mad at him, or happy with him.

I SHOW my feelings, moods. He wants to HEAR them.

For example...when we see a movie, he wants to know what I thought about it. Either I liked it, or I didn't. It's that cut an dry with me. He likes to disect, debate. I'm either yes or no. He is all shades of gray. He knows my past, but he says he knows nothing because I haven't shared. I've told him about it. I don't think about those things anymore, they're done and overwith in my mind. He doesn't feel I have "shared". He doesn't understand how I can be done with something. Does this make any sense?

The movie is the best description I have. I like it or I don't, and he needs more than that.
 
#17 ·
I SHOW my feelings, moods. He wants to HEAR them.

For example...when we see a movie, he wants to know what I thought about it. Either I liked it, or I didn't. It's that cut an dry with me. He likes to disect, debate. I'm either yes or no. He is all shades of gray. He knows my past, but he says he knows nothing because I haven't shared. I've told him about it. I don't think about those things anymore, they're done and overwith in my mind. He doesn't feel I have "shared". He doesn't understand how I can be done with something. Does this make any sense?

The movie is the best description I have. I like it or I don't, and he needs more than that.
Oh my, this is SO like me & my husband !! I am the Debater, the one who wants to disect every thought, feeling and HEAR how he feels, what he wants, what I can do to please him. I consider him too quiet, like I have to put a flame under his rear -end to get him going sometimes. I have, on occasion, started fights simply because I have to ASK him questions all the time, that I want him to ask ME questions sometimes , share more.

Thankfully, He shows me all kinds of love, touching, the physical, I just struggle with wanting to HEAR more. There is just something about the Verbal - it means a hell of a lot to us "Needy" expressive communcators, I don't know.

This may sound odd, but I think this helps ME . We have this one close guy friend who comes to visit us weekly & him & I
spend half the night in heated debate over things we like to explore mentally- movies, politics, religion, literally anything, even sex. It is just FUN for us. Throw us an "issue" & we can chew on it & talk for hours. Husband is perfectly content to just watch us go at it, very little imput, unless asked. The mental stimulation from this, I just crave it sometimes.

It is very hard for us Expressive minded talkers to understand those who find little benefit in discussing the deeper things in life. Just as you and my husband probably think we are a little crazy NEEDING all this "drama" swirling around in our minds, always needing to share feelings, thoughts & debate life , comparing the black & white & which shades of gray.

One good thing I will say is this: I have a fantastic marraige -even with our differences. Many times Opposites Attract and probably work better than if your husband was married to someone just like himself (it would be overload) , or me married to my male friend. I think we would have killed each other by now. Where we are weak, they are strong, where we lack, they have abundance. It can be workable.

It sounds like you want to be more for him.

You say you have been dealing with this for 12 yrs now, and sought counseling. What did the counselor say -- Did she feel one of you was more at fault ?

(For my situation, his quietness never bothered me too much UNTIL I got more sexual, then I wanted MORE Verbal expressive desirous communication from him cause I felt I did most of it & it was ticking me off. He has truly tried & gotten so much better with this & I have been more accepting of who he is, the way he is).
 
#7 ·
Martino....that's exactly it!!!!!!!!

We went to the movies yesterday and I forgot to get his junior mints at the counter. Even though the movie had started I went back to get them. I DO so much for him.

It makes him crazy, and insecure, when he asks for more and I say there is nothing there. He will not, or cannot, accept that is how I am wired. It's not that I am not willing. I hope that I can learn how to give a little.

He says he just wants me to be ME. In fact....that's the exact thing he doesn't want.

Monday is my birthday and we are supposed to go out to dinner tonight with family. He told me last night that I need to do something about the plans tonight. I can compartmentalize what is happening and still go and have a good time tonight. He is unable to. So my change in plan is he just doesn't have to attend. Happy Birthday to me!
 
#8 · (Edited)
What he wants psychologically is for you to attend to him in the ways that are most reinforcing to him. You (like my wife) attend in ways that are most reinforcing to you. You are a cut and dried person that moves from point A to B efficiently and precisely in everything you do. He wants some gray area, some creativity, sponteinaity, show your vulnerable self, open up. Let me guess, he often will withdraw in anger to show you what it feels like right? It all goes back to that love languages concept. You and spouse take inventory on what you need, then are supposed to start delivering. It's really to me just a inventory meeting on what is most reinforcing to each.
 
#9 ·
OMG! I almost think you are him!

Yes, he will withdraw and I'll know something is wrong because he is quiet and the dance begins.

I try to open up some, and he even admits he has noticed lately. But I will never be able to become what he wants me to be. I can try to be more verbal, he can try to be more demonstrative. We both know and are aware and have talked about this. So far it's not working. He says I'm a bully because he has to bend to my way of doing things or it's nothing.

I'm really putting a lot of hope into my appointment next week. I don't know what else to do. I sometimes feel he married me this way, go join a book club!
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#10 ·
You know, I asked for years for some cuddling or touch from him that does not lead to sex. The only time he touches me is when he wants some. I quit asking. That is not who he is and I've accepted that. I'm not holding resentment. It's just not how he opperates. Why can't he accept me that way? His resentment is exploding!
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#13 ·
I'm at peace but don't fully accept. I view it really as laziness. I've spelled out clearly what I need but she'd rather do things her way. Tried a little counseling but that was a joke for us. It really hit home for me when her best friend told me out of the blue that she never tells her anything about herself. She's one dimensional, can't help it. I just weighed the pro's vs con's, and the possibility of breaking up my family certainly doesn't guarantee i'd be happy with the next woman anyways. That make sense?
 
#15 ·
There's a lot of compromise in a relationship too though. So if you are willing to make the effort to try and open up more, he should be willing to meet you on some of the things that you would like from him.

Hopefully you'll both be able to find some middle ground.
 
#16 ·
He wants different reinforcement that you are delivering, not a different person. While acts of service are nice he also wants verbal and more physical i'm guessing. Probably wants to kiss more than you do. I do see it as changing stripes and laziness. Any neuro capable person is capable of altering their own behavior to suit their environment....even if for just a short time.
 
#18 ·
Yes, SA...he has friends who fill his "debate" need. Thank God for them! I tried to humor him early in our marriage but I'm too logical, black and white. I can debate and defend what I believe in to a certain extent, but he will choose the opposing side of anything just to have the verbal judo match going. And he can just twist me around 8 sides from Sunday...argh!

In the marriage counseling we dealt a little in how we communicate, but it turned into very specific things. Not in my overall inability or that I'm repressed. We had other things going on at the time that took precedent in our sessions. So now I'm going back on my own. We will see if she can help me to open up some. Because, frankly, most of the time I really don't know what to say.

Martino, what 3-5 things, specifically, do you wish you were getting from your wife? Opening up, talking, sharing....doesn't help. What is it that you wish she would say to you, ask you, etc? Compliment? Thank Yous? It makes me angry when you do x,y,z?
 
#20 · (Edited)
Yes, SA...he has friends who fill his "debate" need. Thank God for them! I tried to humor him early in our marriage but I'm too logical, black and white. I can debate and defend what I believe in to a certain extent, but he will choose the opposing side of anything just to have the verbal judo match going. And he can just twist me around 8 sides from Sunday...argh!
Thank you for this. I have not met too many people like myself in life (maybe that is a good thing!), I literally get off on playing "Devil's Advocate" --your husband sounds JUST LIKE ME ! and my husband sounds so similar to you! he also says "I just don't know what to say".

Does he tell you what he desires from you specifically, like what areas does he want you to verbalize the MOST in, what upsets him the most? What triggers these fights -and how often does this happen? Anytime you watch a movie for example? Is it romantic/sexual verbalizations? Is it at the Dinner table when he is sharing his day & wants to hear about your day? out with friends verbalizations?

I just ask , cause for me personally, it has been "romantic- erotic" verbalizations that I wanted MOST from him - only this has caused me to get upset, even "hurt" at times. When we are out with my kids, friends, his family, his quietness didn't really bother me at all. It was our "alone time", if I felt I was "giving more" verbally than him. Then I start thinking I talk too much, I think too much, So I also must FEEL more than him.

But I learned that was NOT true at all. Just as I am sure you FEEL as much -even though you do not verbalize it the way he does or wants you too.

Please feel free to PM me anytime about anything like this. I seriously think I can shed light on your husband's "mindset".

I wonder if he would enjoy being on these boards, you should ask him to post about how HE feels & see what kind of responses he gets - might help him better understand YOU. Are you THIS OPEN with him about stuff -Do you share all ? If he is anything like me - He would heartily want that.

There are a few couples on here that BOTH post & share it all with each other in their quest to help overcome some issues they are dealing with.

You seem to express yourself very well on here!
 
#19 ·
"Martino, what 3-5 things, specifically, do you wish you were getting from your wife? Opening up, talking, sharing....doesn't help. What is it that you wish she would say to you, ask you, etc? Compliment? Thank Yous? It makes me angry when you do x,y,z?"

Well no problem telling me what makes her angry, yeah i'm far from perfect too but when speaking of purely our relations, she needs a fair dose of alcohol to open up and really express herself. She told me once after a night of drinking how close she feels to my dad because her's died years ago. That was a shocker and something she would never admit otherwise. When she kisses me say on the couch, her antenna is also on the tv or something else. Like she's multi tasking, something in her says: "I can give him a kiss (since we haven't today) and keep up on Survivor, laundry will be done" whatever, she's a multi tasker! she's in general a mental person and not really touchy feely. Same thing under the sheets, she's a taker at heart and gives what she feels she needs to get pleased herself. Where in the past i've been with women that get off on pleasing. I know that is something i'm missing out on. Even in sex she's guarded. Took several years after we met before she could relax enough to orgasm but the older she gets the bolder she gets, and i'm enjoying that. Easy to focus on the negatives but we have a lot of good things together as well. I'd say that she is in part selfish in that she doesn't put effort into that (like you are)
but also simply not wired to be expressive. She enjoys her college courses in advanced math, she's an analytic thinker. If we were to spend the day in bed, talking, kissing etc, deep down she would be thinking about everything she "isn't" getting done.

I'd say your hubby is fortunate in that you are soliciting advice here and going to counseling.
 
#21 ·
Well, I can seek advice and help, but that doesn't mean I will be able to change enough to fulfill this need he has. I can try. Your wife sounds very much like me, Martino. I excelled in math subjects all through college. Anything to do with numbers, absolutes, and I love it. Of course my husband was an English major ;).

And it sounds as though your wife is more advanced than me. One of his big points is that I don't even tell him when I'm angry with him. I'll work things out in my head until I find a resolution or some way of dealing, and he never knew there was a problem. He wants to be let in on my processing. I agree he does have a point there.

Specifically.....he tells me he wants to know how I feel, what I think, and yes, he wants me to be more verbal in bed. That the sound of my voice helps him. I feel so put on the spot! If I don't know what to say outside of the sheets, I sure as hell don't know what to say INSIDE! UGH. He has accepted that I'm won't discuss subjects with him as we would like. He knows he will get either I liked the movie or I didn't. And dinner table talk is fine. I can talk about/discuss the day, schedule, all the mundane family stuff that I take care of. It's the "intimate, vulnerable, sharing" stuff that he wants. He always wants to know "where I'm at". Because for him, me saying that "I'm right here, I'm fine, I'm happy, I'm good" doesn't cut it. Beyond that....really, my head goes blank. And he doesn't believe that there isn't anything there. He does't get how when something is over....something from the past, an argument, anything....that I'm done with it. I don't analyze, dissect, run it backwards and forwards in my head. We had an argument, I was pissed, now I'm done, it's over. He wants to revisit and know how I "feel" about it. Nothing is ever "over" for him. Does this make any sense at all?

I can express myself on here because I do better in the written form. We have tried writting back and forth and it doesn't work too well for him. When writting, he is not interrupting me and interrupting my train of thought. I am very linear.....I need to stay on track or I completely lose what I'm saying, what my point was, and often what the original problem even is! That's what I mean when I say he can twist me around and get me so lost that eventually I really have nothing to say because I don't even know where we are. It's exhausting.
 
#22 ·
One of his big points is that I don't even tell him when I'm angry with him. I'll work things out in my head until I find a resolution or some way of dealing, and he never knew there was a problem. He wants to be let in on my processing. I agree he does have a point there.

Specifically.....he tells me he wants to know how I feel, what I think, and yes, he wants me to be more verbal in bed. That the sound of my voice helps him. I feel so put on the spot!
My husband has told me I am putting him on the spot too. Yes ,it all makes sense, I too LOVE english, suck at Math and My husband sucks at English and is Great at math! Something to all of this. Our brains simply function differntly -which leads to SO much misunderstanding. I am sure our "Love Languages" and our "Temperments" play some part in all of this also.


It sounds like you realize, from your own words, that you need to let him know when you are angry/upset.


Is he very critical also to you? Who is in more pain over this--you (Because of his constant wanting more verbally) or does he try to twist it and make it sound like he is suffering more -does he say he does not feel loved by you, desired by you?

Sorry for all these questions, I do hope you can work this out.

ONe thing I see him doing wrong is : If you have a fight, and you & he get over it, he wants to bring it BACK up again later -to revisit how you feel. Does he feel it was never resolved somehow?

Me & My hubby have had a # of fights(with me starting them over this silly issue) , I referred to them as my "meltdowns" , but one thing I never did was bring up anything from the past -that we delt with. We always thoroughly talk through everything -even if it takes hours. I finally overcame my issues with this, thankfully. I will admit I was very "needy" in this department. I wouldnt think a man would be this way, but I guess it matters to them also.

What do you NEED from him ? Have you guys sat down and listed what you WANT and what you NEED from each other and compared your lists - to see how you can reach some kind of compromise??
 
#23 ·
MsStacy,

I just meant that you are here is a good start. I guess it depends how much you are willing to try. It's certainly not your fault (as is my wife) that you are this way. Mine I know is willing to try within her own bounds.

Maybe practice expressing what you "thought" about a movie? what particular scenes swayed your opinion? how you feel about your husband? this is all a skill that needs to be learned. Think about what he does that turns you on, write it down and remember to let him know next time you are under the sheets. A CBT psychologist could give you more ideas if you are interested.
 
#26 ·
SA - I wouldn't say he is so much critical, but rather judgemental. He realizes this and does try to temper it. As for who is more in pain over this....I believe he is. Sometimes he'll pull the "poor me" routine and make everything out to be my fault, but that is very seldom. He's self-analyzing so he is pretty good at recognizing his faults and shortcomings. "Meltdown" is a good word for it. He will try to go with the flow, or as he says it "do things my way", until he's feeling like he's in the gutter and will explode.

I thought we had a couple pretty good days since the fight. But he came home from work last night very down. He has pretty much cut himself off from his family (can't say I blame him, not one of them put any effort into a relationship), feels like he has no friends, has gained some weight around the middle since he quit smoking and can't get it off (coupled with emotional eating), and top it with "these things between us". He's just all around feeling very bad about himself and I don't know what to say.

Bringing up things in the past.....it's not that he is throwing it back in my face, we really don't resolve things. The core of what we argue about is what I've been explaining here. He wants to know me, where I'm at. I'm a fixer....if he has a problem, I need to fix it. He usually doesn't want me to fix it, he wants me to talk about it with him. I can talk about ways to fix it. He wants to know my feelings about it, something...I don't know.

MEM - our sex life....well, it could be better, but I don't think it's all that bad. Probably some of his unhappiness stems from that, but I don't believe it is the core. He regularly turnes my advances down. I never turn him down. We have sex about 3 times a week on average. Sure...he'd like me to be more spontaneous, uninhibited, VERBAL, etc. I'm very routine driven, I order the same thing off the menu everytime, I like things the way I like them. He wants more variety. I'm always game to go along, but he would like to not be in the drivers seat all the time.

How can I build him up? Shore up his self esteem a little right now?
 
#27 ·
I think all his family stuff and weight/smoking is not for you to carry the burden, he has to work through that himself. Sooner or later he has to (like I have) accept the profound differences between you two and you both have to find a middle ground. We don't want to live in total "me-harmony" (remember that SNL skit where it's a dating service for people who want exactly the same person they are?) I hope you didn't take offense to my CBT therapist suggestion, they are just really good at giving people new things to try. I've seen one myself. :smthumbup:
 
#28 ·
Oh no....no offense taken Martino. I certainly need new things to try. I don't know what kind of therapist mine is...I will ask her about it.

I know he has to work through his issues. But when he feels everything is down on him, he wants to know that I still love him, find him sexy, appreciate him. I guess I should just say those words to him. Usually I would try to do something nice for him for when he comes home. He probably just wants me to tell him, huh?
 
#30 · (Edited)
A letter...that's a good idea.

I have a lecture I am going to tonight, so he will be home with our daughter. Probably asleep by the time I get home. Is it a cop out to write a nice letter and leave it for him to find? To me that sounds nice, but is it DOING something vs. SAYING something?





wait....he just got a card in the mail from his dad yesterday. Nice card saying how proud and that he is loved. It made hubby's day worse yesterday because he felt it was manipulative.

If I leave him a letter tonight telling him why I love and appreciate him, it will seem like it was because of the card from him dad...gave me the idea type thing.

Good idea or wait a few days?
 
#32 ·
A letter...that's a good idea.

I have a lecture I am going to tonight, so he will be home with our daughter. Probably asleep by the time I get home. Is it a cop out to write a nice letter and leave it for him to find? To me that sounds nice, but is it DOING something vs. SAYING something?


wait....he just got a card in the mail from his dad yesterday. Nice card saying how proud and that he is loved. It made hubby's day worse yesterday because he felt it was manipulative.

If I leave him a letter tonight telling him why I love and appreciate him, it will seem like it was because of the card from him dad...gave me the idea type thing.

Good idea or wait a few days?
Ugh. That's pushing me into my uncomfortable zone Martino. I'm sure he would really like to hear all the reasons I love and appreciate him though. I can't do it tonight, but it will probably take me a couple days to compose that letter. Ok....I can do this!
 
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