I don't have much advice for you but want you to know that you're not alone with what you're feeling. What is your dependency?
I kinda know how you feel when you say that it feels like you push people away. I too seem to have a hard time getting along with others - by that I mean that as soon as I feel they have betrayed me in any way, they are discarded from my life like trash. I know it is wrong but even growing up I'm the kind that holds a grudge.
Hiding my depression from everyone makes me feel that they CAN'T judge me even though deep down most days are very dark. Like you I also have noone to talk to. Neither hy H or my children knows I see a counselor or take meds for my depression/anxiety....my H would not be a supportive any way.
Have you considered seeking help for your depression? Is this something your wife would consider doing with you so she could understand better what's going on? Even if she seeked her own counseling to know how to deal with or help someone who is depressed.
I don't believe you are "nuts" or "disturbed". Please consider seeking some kind of help even if your wife won't. Keep me posted.