Hyndsight1... Read through your posts last night/this morning... Wow, I feel for you man. Can’t believe how women can be so cold and how we as men can be oblivious to the situation. You are a VERY strong individual for handling the situation the way you have. Did you send the letter?
I recently read a story about the “Walk away wife syndrome”. Really opened my eyes and made me reflect on our relationship. Other than us being together since she was 15 and her NOW wanting her independence, this “Walk away wife” thing is pretty interesting. Talks about women as being the primary caretakers of the relationship at its early stages – true, and they eventually give up and decided to stop fighting – true. W tells H that she wants to leave and here we are... Immaculate!
LINK - The Walkaway-Wife Syndrome : The Divorce Remedy
Just as an update, I talked to my W on the phone again today – she called me for some house questions. Near the end of our conversation I reiterated the following points:
1) I’m giving her space
2) I’m still her husband and I will fight for this marriage. I see value in trying to work on US to be better than we ever have.
3) I understand your need for independence and I’m no longer trying to justify it. Independence is important in any committed relationship and should be explored to its fullest with respect for the other person.
4) I’d like you to move back in so we can work on us but only under the condition that you WANT to work on US. I cant have you here if you’re driven by guilt. This is very important.
5) I described our marriage using the following sports analogy – just came to me when I was on the phone... “we’re like two players on the same team in a game that started over 13 years ago. We don’t know the rules, we don’t know strategies, we don’t even know how to score but for some reason we’ve made it this far and we’re winning. Now imagine if, at this point, we took a time out to learn the rules, educate ourselves of strategies and understood how to score. Do you think we would fair any better?”. I followed this up by telling her that I need to reiterate that I’m not trying to guilt her back in b/c I understand that would be bad news for both of us. What I’m trying to get her to do is to CONSIDER her decision to move on and think past tomorrow. If she still feels it’s better to move on and explore her independence w/o me, I will accept that and do the same. I’m her husband, and I’ll do ANYTHING to get her back except continually deny my self respect!
Her basic response is that she understands what I’m saying and that if she would have moved in by now it would have been driven by guilt. However, she does find some of the things I say to be something to consider. She has an appointment w/ her therapist tonight and will think about it some more. Again, ball’s in her court.
If anything good comes out of this whole experience, I’ve finally convinced my best friend to go see a counselor in order to work on his marriage. He has and said it’s been great so far. I feel like I need to write a book about this but there are so many out there! Which reminds me – I’m reading “No more Mr. Nice Guy”. I’ll let you all know how it goes...