Chiggity~
After reviewing your post and assuming that the facts are in order roughly as you present them, I agree that exposure is not the step to take here. Remember, the concept of exposure is to end an active affair. The steps are:
1) Gather evidence sufficient to prove to yourself that it is happening. If you catch a disloyal naked and "in the act" they will tell you "It's not what it looks like" so they will most usually deny it no matter what evidence you have. The goal is to convince the loyal spouse it wasn't "just their imagination" or "being jealous"--YOU HAVE DONE THIS STEP.
2) What I call C-D-E:
Confront,
Disclose,
Expose.
Confront her directly and ask her to stop. Indicate you have evidence that has convinced you that something inappropriate was occurring and give the chance to stop now, have no further contact with the OM EVER, and give you passwords, etc. to verify there is no contact. If the disloyal takes you up on it, no need to go to D or E.
Disclose would be to go to one "authority figure" in the disloyal's life--someone they think highly of and might listen to who is going to encourage them to stop and return to the marriage. Some possible candidates are a pastor, parent, employer, teacher or maybe just an older friend/mentor. You and the one person again offer the chance to stop now, never contact the OM again, and give passwords to verify. If the disloyal takes you up on it, no need to go to E.
Exposure is no longer keeping the affair a secret and letting people know who will likely be affected by the ripple effects of this damage. A typical list might be parents, family, siblings, friends, pastor, both employers, both co-workers, neighbors--not that you tell ALL those people but rather those who will encourage her to end the affair and return home and who might offer you support and encouragement as you go through this long journey. C-D-E and the goal is always the same: bring the affair to the light of day so it's no longer a secret, let the fantasy end and break the back of the affair. YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS STEP (from what you report)
Now you don't have to do particularly "Carrot and Stick" nor "Consequences" stages because the affair is over!
What do you do?
Well I would recommend beginning your recovery and reconciliation in these ways: 1) Do the "Carrot" part of "Carrot and Stick." Both of you learn about your personality type by taking the
Jung Myers-Briggs Personality Test. This will actually explain a lot by itself! You'll see where you're compatible, where you're not and why, and what your personality strengths and weaknesses are, etc. AND you may each identify things about yourself you can work on to be a better human. Next I recommend that you both fill out a
LoveBusters Questionnaire by Marriagebuilders. This questionnaire will identify some of the actions that have slowly extinguished the love in your marriage and made it vulnerable to the "attack" of an affair. You would fill out the things she did that hurt you, and likewise she would fill out the things you did to hurt her. THEN you agree to share this questionnaire honestly and with an open heart to hearing your part in this. Give you spouse the safe place to be honest, but also don't be blaming and stuff here. She can't stop doing it if you don't tell her--and likewise you can't know for sure what hurt her if you don't man up and tell her. So be honest but be kind, and end by saying, "I'll think about what you've said" and then actually think about it and figure out how to change that bad behavior! Third, I'd say to take the
Love Kindler Questionnaire. This will identify what you need in a relationship and "how much" and to a degree "in what way" and once you can understand that in yourself, set aside time to talk to each other about it. You can say, "Well honey I took this quiz and discovered I need XYZ and I'd like to request that you do it this way" and she can likewise tell you and request how she'd like it. Then the goal is to work on adding the kindlers to your wife's fire that SHE needs...and vice versa.
2) If you have things that you feel you "need to ask her about" and she feels like you are always interrogating her...or if you feel like the minute you try to talk things out, she bursts into tears so that nothing can ever be resolved, I have a suggestion. I suggest that you two agree together to some limit, like: "I agree to only ask you two questions every day that are just driving me crazy, and you agree to answer those two questions openly and honestly. After you've answered fully and transparently, I agree that I won't yell no matter what you've said as long as it was honest. We agree to resolve those two questions a day and after that they are forgiven, forgotten and never brought up again so that it's not held against you forever. Further we agree to resolve these two questions in one hour so that it's not an unending interrogation." The idea is that you'll have the freedom to ask something if it's really bugging you, and she'll have the freedom to know it won't be used as a weapon against her if she's honest.
3) Finally this there is one more step. You know about your personalities. You identified a major Love Extinguisher and you're stopping it. You identified one of her major Love Kindlers and you're doing it for her. Life is going better and you two are starting to grow closer together. The very last step is actually PUT ALL THIS SERIOUS STUFF DOWN AND HAVE SOME FUN!!
Part of marrying her is that you like her, so forget all this, put work down and self-improvement, and play with her! Go to a concert. Take her out for a beer and burger. Watch football. Go camping. Try an opera. Go on a vacation. Have some fun!
