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suggestions on how to reconcile

18K views 224 replies 16 participants last post by  Blossom Leigh 
#1 ·
Married for 6 months, 10 year relationship, my wife is pregnant with a 4 month baby. A couple of days back we had a big argument and I said I want a divorce, it was a silly thing to say since it came out of spite, never meant it. My wife now plans to give me what I asked for and she seems very serious about it.

To give a bit of a background, I'm on medication and side effects include dizziness and tiredness. I was outdoors already for 9 hours, wanted to get sleep and despite me suggesting otherwise, she arranged for something (for both of us). When the social obligation ended I was out for 12 hours in a row, no food for the whole day (can't eat at any time due to medication which must be taken with empty stomach). I said she doesn't consider me at all, that she makes all the decisions and it's like I'm not there, asked for a divorce, I was on an emotional roller coaster. She left the car, didn't reply any of my 10 calls and then I called her mother (mistake I know...) to say I can't take this any more and I'll be returning her car & I'll be flying back to the country where we live permanently soon (which may have to happen as I may need a surgery but didn't say it because of that), was somewhat calmer on the phone with my mother in law.

Next day I called to apologise for what I said. Too late, she won't pick up the phone most of the time and when she does she gives me 20 seconds, then she hangs up on me. She rarely replies to texts as well and will not see me.

A similar row had happened 2 more times (I mentioned divorce). One time it was due to her putting on sound proof headphones when I wanted to talk family financials (we overspend), the other time it was a trip where I had explicitly mentioned I'll need sleep which I didn't get as she wanted to go straight to the event (prior to the trip was sleeping 4-5 hours per day for 2 weeks due to work commitments). During the trip she was mad at me, I promised this would not happen again and ... I broke my promise a couple of days ago.

I apologise every day and ask her to talk to me. She says she doesn't trust me anymore and whatever I promise her is worthless. When I say I've been there for 10 years by her side, how can she not trust me, she says this all changed the last few months (which include the other two incidents).

I can't imagine life without my soon to be born baby and I love my wife very deeply.

Any advice on how to fix this would be really really valuable, I want to save my marriage and raise my child with her, I don't want to be the "other" parent and I'll do everything I can to prevent this from happening.
 
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#61 ·
You are absolutely right to insist on financial discipline. I would not trust a man who did not handle money in a reasonable manner. It is in her best interests to accept to hear No to unnecessary financial requests.
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#64 ·
At the moment there is none and to be honest polo shirts and expensive watches are at the bottom of my list. When I mention that this money takes that long to make with work, is it worth to work eg one month just to get this? or that we should have a safety net, buy a house and invest, she'll go like we'll get promotions like XYZ did (ignoring all the others that never got there or even lost their jobs) and we can do it without lowering life quality.

To give a bit of background, my job is well paying and e.g. I got her a very nice engagement ring and I do like a fancy restaurant from time to time but there needs to be a reasonable budget set in advance for these type of things.
I'm not a millionaire and I simply can't afford to spend like one. I find it ridiculous to have financial stress (and I have loads of it) when at the same time my income is like 3.5x UK average. If we lose our jobs tomorrow we're both toast and I'd have to sell assets, I just find this too stessful and a completely unreasonable situation to be in.

In 5 years time we can easily have a safety net AND a nice house AND have gone out plenty AND provide the best education to our child. Right now the way we are heading in 5 years we'll have nada and be in a very risky situation (instead we'll have plenty of shiny things and many visits at expensive resorts).

If I stand firm, she'll call me a cheapass, say she deserves the best and then the bold part follows. In this context, I do take it that she is playing with fear. Which is why I took it as a threat when she dismissed that I needed to stay in to recover when she said that if I say this it means I don't want a joint social life.

Mentioning divorce was a big mistake, if she wants to reconcile, I'll never mention it again and we can work on this together and set boundaries on important things after the child is born. But I did have legit reasons to be angry.
 
#66 ·
I am serious about financial sobriety. I would be willing to divorce over it.

"Cheap ass" could be considered a badge of honor. :)

I don't get the obsession with jewelry some women have. I don't understand why men indulge it, either.
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#70 ·
In my view cheapasses are those people who don't plan and because of this they end up being beggars to their friends and family when their career is over, not those who plan & save.

I consider it extremely important and I have told her I didn't sign up for this and I do not intend to live like this. I know plenty of ex-executives who used to wear luxury watches and drive sport cars who are now bankrupt and got no income. I do not intend to become like this, especially given that I'm well aware of this danger and I don't drink the "this is perpetual" coolaid.

The jewelry obsession is beyond me, it's a status symbol and I find it a silly to play the game "look I can dress like a millionaire"
 
#67 ·
Ok, going to go a bit further. I would sit down and tell her that as a family man you cannot risk your health by staying out late and not getting enough sleep. You also do not feel comfortable having her out alone. You are willing to negotiate a little, but not to compromise her health.

Same story on finances. Family needs come first. Expensive luxuries are the first to go, and not priorities for family people like the two of you. Stress the best interests of your child. You two simply cannot think only of yourselves anymore. The family welfare comes first.

Is this a beautiful, spoiled girl you married?
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#68 ·
Regarding negotiating that night out, I did it, I explicitly said that I don't want to go out that night because the doctor said to get rest, she just went ahead and booked it for both of us without my consent. I had mentioned I want to go together but when I'm better.
She dismissed that I need recovery and rest, said I act like I'm 70 and said it was impossible not to arrange the social obligation. I was seriously exhausted, the antibiotics I take are strong and their side effects are tireness & nausea.

Truth be told though, while I did get mad at her for what I believe to be a good reason, I went way too far with it. It's one thing to argue, which is something normal when there are differences, and another to ask for divorce when arguing which is something that may have well destroyed the relationship.

When I try to talk finances, she defers it till infinity (all the excuses some women say to avoid sex, I hear them regarding discussing family finances) and when we finally sit down to talk it's "cheapass" + the part in bold. She's not a gold-digger by the way, she was with me when I was on a graduate scholarship, back then I was making nothing, just (very) irresponsible financially.

If we reconcile, I'll mention the child too, my guess is that she'll agree to save just a fraction, e.g. 50%, of what's needed for education (not for house or safety net) but lets hope for the best.

She has model looks and she's quite spoilt too :grin2:
 
#69 ·
Ok, you knew what you were getting into then. Best of luck.
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#72 ·
If she looks like a model, a wealthier man will give her what she wants. She probably realizes this.

Again, good luck with all this.
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#74 ·
@londonguy many people have suggested marriage counseling to which you responded that you'll consider as soon as your wife agrees to it. DON'T WAIT. Go ahead and start marriage counseling on your own. Start learning those important communication skills necessary in to a successful relationship. Show your wife through your actions that you are serious about change.

Look, you can only control your own behavior. You need to make the changes genuinely, meaning take action to become a better man for you, not to please others. Think about it like this. ..if your wife were not in the picture, what actions would you be taking to make yourself a better man?
 
#76 ·
Yes, I think it is brilliant to go ahead and work on yourself in counseling for a while first, then bring her along later.

Your wife is lost in priorities.

You are lost in boundaries for the time being.

Perfect set up for conflict because she will take her emotional weapons to run rough shod (destructive) over your non existing boundaries at the expense of your health. So, yes, you have very legitimate cause for anger at her dismissal of you, regardless of your learning curve to the contrary, AND this DOES need rebalancing BECAUSE of your health. Its good you are waking up. Change can happen. You do not have to accept destructive choices of behavior in her or yourself. You both can choose constructive behavior. It just sounds like its going to be you first, then her (if she is willing and posseses the capacity) and thats ok, nothing wrong with that. That's leadership.

It is good that you recognize the need to separate your need for health as right but the choice to threaten divorce as the wrong way to express that. You are already leaps and bounds ahead of MANY people in your shoes because of your ability to make that distinction. You are also being thoughtful about timing. I think you are going to progress well. I hope your wife's priorities realign to protect the heath and wellbeing of all of you and not continue down the self destructive selfish path she is currently on.

You could end up defining character flaws in her through this process. She can choose to address those. I hope she does. You have already started on yours. Great work. Partnering with the right professionals will only strengthen your efforts. Happy for you even though its painful... Been there done that in spades. :)
 
#78 ·
Far, he threatened it more than once.

But I agree that he made a risky choice. And he is paying for it.
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#79 ·
Her uppance is coming... She is also making choices that will cost her.
 
#81 ·
I am thinking that his wife was looking for an excuse to divorce and enjoyed telling him she wanted it. Otherwise she would want to talk it over with him and come home. She's getting advice from others I suspect.

She will divorce him, take his paycheck with the new baby, and move on to the next sugardaddy.

I could be wrong, but the person he is describing (materialistic, self-centered, controlling, etc) does not sound like a person that is going to be a good one to trust ad start a family with.
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#82 ·
If she leaves you, let her go. You were in over your head. Be a good dad in whatever capacity you can.

Make a wiser choice next time around, if it comes to that.
 
#83 · (Edited)
I wouldn't write this relationship off so fast. We have yet to see how she reacts fully when her priorities are tested. It is amazing the changes that happen when people are faced with raw reality. Not to mention we do not have a full picture of her level of self awareness. Plus this is the mother of his child and the love of his life. Though he made a poor choice in managing extreme boundary frustration, I do not get the impression he is willing to say "oh, well, f*** it" and walk out. I can tell he's going to do the homework on these issues whether they stay together or not.
 
#84 ·
I wouldn't write this relationship off so fast. We have yet to see how she reacts fully when her priorities are tested. It is amazing the changes that happen when people are faced with raw reality. Not to mention we do not have a full picture of her level of self awareness.
I would like to see him set a financial limit, that's for sure. And no more divorce threats. Nurturing her and earning her trust by displaying good character is important, too.

But a materialistic person is hard to satisfy. I really am concerned he is in over his head. I want him to have realistic expectations.
 
#87 ·
When someone wants to walk away from a marriage, it's something that's been on their minds for a while. She knew he didn't mean it when he said he wanted a divorce; even though it's a horrible, stupid thing to say (the op knows this). This has been stewing for a while with her.

She will hardly talk to him and is cold as a cucumber toward him.

Something is going on in her mind that he doesn't know about.
And I think it stems from her selfish, materialistic attitude. He might look on the guest list of this social event... Why was it so darned important? Who was there?
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#88 ·
OP, are you by chance from an ethnic or cultural group where money and status are particularly important?
 
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#90 ·
Op, if you are from a culture that values material things more for their status than usefulness, you are going to have a difficult time managing your finances, much less get your wife to go along with you.

I would suggest that you purchase a program to help you prioritize needs, what needs to be paid no matter what to help you determine how much excess money you actually have. Once you know that, you can divide up the excess money into categories of your chosing: saving for house, children's education, retirement, monthly spending on luxuries/eating out/ "mad money." Each of you should have an agreed upon amount of $ that you are allowed to spend on whatever you want, but no more.

Below I have posted a link to something that can help you and your wife get on the same page regarding finances.

Dave Ramsey's Online Store - daveramsey.com

"Financial Peace University Home Study Kit" $139

It will change your and your wife's marriage, and your lives.
 
#92 ·
We talked briefly yesterday, she asked me to continue the chat an hour later because she was eating, I called her, she didn't pick up. Sent a text, she replied she didn't pick it up because she has nothing to say and then she send another one along the lines of: ok you're doing steps indeed but what if the counsellor cannot help?

I don't know if she's in a struggle to give us another go or she's trying to find reasons to end it.
 
#99 · (Edited)
We talked over the phone, she sounded very angry.

She raised two more points, one is the financial issue. She wants more fancy restaurants, trips etc. The other issue is she wants more respect in front of her friends and family.

For the first one we need to discuss as I can't agree for the sake of agreeing.

The second one I'm more than happy to do, I was pissed of during the social obligation and I did say I may leave mid xmas to do surgery but the reason, which while a possibility I did say it because I was angry at her for booking the social event without my consent.
This was poor behaviour from my part and she's got every right to feel betrayed.

She also said she doesn't want to meet.
 
#102 ·
Just to be specific, are you in an Indian subgroup?
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#104 ·
Okay. Stick to your guns on finances. You have to.

I am not sure what to say for the rest. To me it sounds like you married someone with a stronger character than yourself. That must be hard. It can help if you listen to her and are willing to compromise on other issues.

But bottom line, she seems stronger, and she knows it. For a certain kind of woman, that is unsettling. It does not make her trust you to know you can get rattled enough to threaten divorce.

It seems like a lot of men on TAM get in over their heads with women. They get dazzled by a woman's beauty and that is pretty much the end of any real autonomy on their parts. I hope younger men reading this see it as a cautionary tale.
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#106 ·
I'll do that. My initial thought was to negotiate finances after the birth so that she doesn't get upset while pregnant but as she wants to discuss this now, I cannot but speak my mind about it.

I wouldn't say she's stronger though, I'm the one who proved stronger a few years back (we had fallen apart) and helped her beat depression, helped her prepare for industry interviews. Right now she does have the upper hand though for sure but that is not the same as strength.

Problem is she won't see me to discuss these things, I'll try to talk both points she raised over the phone and cross fingers we discuss constructively.
 
#105 ·
Whats her justification for more fancy restaurants and vacations? How far down the road would y'all be in trouble if you did what she is asking? Has she seen the numbers in black and white? Is your money pooled together or separate? What would happen if it were separated if its not?

I want to share a concept that may not be crossing your mind. I don't think its wise to chase her right now. Get centered as an individual. Just concentrate on your immediate space. By taking your hyper focus off of her, you open up space for her to seek you out and initiate. It could take her a while, so you would have to keep busy, but right now you are carrying the entire weight of this relationship on your shoulders. You need to lay it down and wait for her to pick up some of the load. The entirety of this relationship does not belong solely on your shoulders alone.

You are the father of her child who ALSO deserves respect. You are working hard to provide and protect yall financially, she can back her truck up with the demands. See now I'm getting mad for you. If she wants to let her mother and aunt destroy her marriage with foolish ideas, then she is truly blind to her part in protecting this marriage. You are not her work mule she can beat with a whip going down the road. I equivocate your threatening divorce (though I dont like it) to you bucking her off. In the horse world we call that FEEDBACK and maybe she needed and deserved to have her a$$ bucked off. Sometimes you've GOT to say "Enough is f'in enough". So don't beat yourself up too hard for this one. I can tell this woman needs to be rocked back on her heels hard.

Sorry for the fiestiness... That kind of disrespect ticks me off. Who the hell does she think she is.... Ok. Lol... Sorry
 
#109 · (Edited)
Justification for this is ... that she wants the "best". Well we are paycheck to paycheck so either of us loosing his/her job would mean trouble.
I've tried talking numbers but we've progressed very little. Joint expenses like rent & bills are 50-50 atm, I'm happy to skew this according to income %'s and discussed this with her. When we go out, it's me who pays (and often this can cost quite a bit).
So far bank accounts are separate and I have told her that unless we define clear goals for joint accounts I do not agree.
She proposed to have a "working capital" shared account so that we do not talk about give me X£ for this or that, I didn't agree on the amount going there and I said lets put less there plus open a joint savings account with very clear goals (e.g. buy a house in this £range in X years time). She didn't agree to the two accounts idea (some £ going for current expenses but most being locked in a savings account with a clear objective agreed upon upfront).

I told her today that I am taking steps to amend for what I did but it is pointless if we don't talk, hinting that I want her to be there if this is to work.
I made the mistake, my behaviour was terrible tbh so I'm not in position for high demands but I do think if she's not picking up the phone nor seeing me we won't get anywhere. It's a difficult step for her to take as she's lost trust due to my tantrums.

I had told her a month ago or so that if we are to spend on brands & restaurants, rather than saving, then I'd rather get a job that's more relaxed, pays less and we can skip the brands. Financially this is equivalent and I'll live longer.
 
#111 ·
It is very risky, bandit.
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#118 ·
You may not have an immediate upper hand, but that does not mean you now have to lay down. Sure, make amends, but dont grovel. Bottom line is, she is being unreasonable with being ok leaving the family at financial risk just to get her ego stroked. Put your foot down and leave it there. If she wants to walk because her life isnt high falootant enough, her loss.

And here is a thought.. I've told my H, I dont want him NOT standing up to me. There is a possibility she is waiting for you to "declare how its going to be" and be done with her silliness. Just food for thought...
 
#119 ·
It is terrible that Wall St. did what it did, and that no one has gone to jail. Go see the movie The Big Short. Excellent.

But spending on jewelry and restaurants is completely discretionary spending. It requires some self control to rein it in. But you can save a lot if you do.
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#120 ·
Called her to discuss the new issues she raised today, she said she's out and she's going to return late so I shouldn't call. Doesn't sound to me like she wants to talk.

I guess it's the price to pay. I mentioned divorce, broke her trust and now she's giving me exactly what I asked for.
 
#122 ·
It may not be a bad thing, though, if you were in over your head with her. You need to be with the right person.
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