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suggestions on how to reconcile

18K views 224 replies 16 participants last post by  Blossom Leigh 
#1 ·
Married for 6 months, 10 year relationship, my wife is pregnant with a 4 month baby. A couple of days back we had a big argument and I said I want a divorce, it was a silly thing to say since it came out of spite, never meant it. My wife now plans to give me what I asked for and she seems very serious about it.

To give a bit of a background, I'm on medication and side effects include dizziness and tiredness. I was outdoors already for 9 hours, wanted to get sleep and despite me suggesting otherwise, she arranged for something (for both of us). When the social obligation ended I was out for 12 hours in a row, no food for the whole day (can't eat at any time due to medication which must be taken with empty stomach). I said she doesn't consider me at all, that she makes all the decisions and it's like I'm not there, asked for a divorce, I was on an emotional roller coaster. She left the car, didn't reply any of my 10 calls and then I called her mother (mistake I know...) to say I can't take this any more and I'll be returning her car & I'll be flying back to the country where we live permanently soon (which may have to happen as I may need a surgery but didn't say it because of that), was somewhat calmer on the phone with my mother in law.

Next day I called to apologise for what I said. Too late, she won't pick up the phone most of the time and when she does she gives me 20 seconds, then she hangs up on me. She rarely replies to texts as well and will not see me.

A similar row had happened 2 more times (I mentioned divorce). One time it was due to her putting on sound proof headphones when I wanted to talk family financials (we overspend), the other time it was a trip where I had explicitly mentioned I'll need sleep which I didn't get as she wanted to go straight to the event (prior to the trip was sleeping 4-5 hours per day for 2 weeks due to work commitments). During the trip she was mad at me, I promised this would not happen again and ... I broke my promise a couple of days ago.

I apologise every day and ask her to talk to me. She says she doesn't trust me anymore and whatever I promise her is worthless. When I say I've been there for 10 years by her side, how can she not trust me, she says this all changed the last few months (which include the other two incidents).

I can't imagine life without my soon to be born baby and I love my wife very deeply.

Any advice on how to fix this would be really really valuable, I want to save my marriage and raise my child with her, I don't want to be the "other" parent and I'll do everything I can to prevent this from happening.
 
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#2 ·
Just to add that I have made some decissions in the last couple of days so that we avoid similar situations. I'll start counselling, I'll stop preparing for that job interview that's draining my energy as my wife and soon to be born kid are more important than my career and I'll start a sport to improve my physique & resistance against tireness, lack of sleep etc.

At this point however, I can't even communicate these, let alone discuss with her.
 
#3 ·
I am sorry you're here. Without your wife talking to you-/ no way.

Don't push her. Don't be needy. Don't seek reassurance from her. It will turn her off. Let her know you don't really want a divorce, and want to talk when she's ready, and LEAVE it at that.

You cannot force her to stay married, reconcile, or anything else.

You've got to let her come to you.
You've got your mother in law working against you now. Don't try to talk to either of them.

Good luck
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#4 ·
Thanks for your response, you are probably right in your suggestion. I have to admit, I have sent a huge amount of texts the last couple of days and made an insane number of calls to her. I'm in a strange limbo w.r.t. my wedding, if I'll be next to my child when he needs me and most of the day I'm at bed with fever.
 
#5 ·
She needs to work on her own end to. She reacts like a child, throwing tantrums.

I would predicate a reconciliation on you both working out your issues. You want someone to also take you into consideration as well. It will need to be a two-way street, otherwise, you would neglect yourself and you should have your own boundaries as well.
 
#8 ·
I'm not saying it's all my fault, in the bigger picture there's a lot she could improve on :smile2:.

However I was the one saying "divorce" on several occasions. While I had a reason (even a good one) to be angry, I did not handle the anger well and I went too far with asking for divorce. She needs a minimum level of security for this to work and even though I never mean it, saying "divorce" is very hurtful and I can understand why she lost trust.

I need to make the first move and begin amends. I feel it's not the best time to state boundaries where indeed there is a lot of work that needs to be done as you point out. This is a must-do second step, once we have rapport and she trusts me. To be honest I think she'd want to work on the relationship if we get there and do e.g. joint counselling.

If this were any other point in time, I'd go with your approach but it's me that just did a major blow to our wedding 3 days ago.
 
#6 ·
You both sound immature.

You should know better than to threaten divorce. It's not a threat to be taken lightly at all. Never threaten divorce unless you're willing to follow through with it. There are only so many times you can throw that threat out there as a fear tactic or a tactic to win an argument before you'll find (as you now know) it blows up in your face.

She is immature for not wanting to have adult discussions with you. Why do you think she would rather ignore you? Do you listen to her when she has something serious to discuss? Lack of effort when it comes to communication over serious matters says that there is a fundamental disconnect between the two of you and there is no respect for each other.

I'd suggest MC as soon as possible. Have a serious talk with her (if you're able to get her in contact with you again) and say that you want to work on repairing the damage that's been done. If she's also willing to work toward the same endeavor, that you both need to be open to MC.

MC isn't the magic solution, but it does give you a new environment for you both to share and get to the heart of what causes disagreement, and how to better and more calmly communicate effectively.

The personal issues are for each of you to tackle individually. You need to work on your emotions and she needs to work on her passive aggressiveness. With a child on the way, you both need to draw focus toward being solid, mature partners that can respect one another.
 
#7 ·
I should had never let that word slip my mouth.

I do listen to her to be honest and do pay a lot of attention to her wishes but it's a bit one sided. When there's an argument, she won't back down and it usually comes to me stepping down. E.g. during that trip what I told her initially was sorry for starting an argument but we agreed that to go there I'll get the sleep I need first which is a part you found it's ok to skip. She wouldn't reconcile until I admitted guilty despite our agreement on me getting some sleep, after a whole day of arguing I mentioned divorce.

My tantrum three days ago was because she didn't take into consideration my input in a period when I'm under medication which causes tireness and by doctor's orders I need rest.

In one of the 30 sec calls (she hangs up after that), I meant to tell her I had a tantrum because I feel insecure when she neglects my needs and then I become angry but she hung up at "insecure". In another 30 sec call when I mentioned the antibiotic's side effects and my condition she said "you're not the only one in the world to have this" and she hang up.

I'm not saying it's ok to mention divorce because I had a reason to be angry but at the moment she's not interested at all into hearing the root cause.

I agree that this is something we need to work on as longer term goal but right it's me that did the major blow to our wedding by saying the word "divorce" 3 times in 3 months. I need to amend that first.

I think these tantrums have hurt her a lot and she lost trust in me because of it.

Before we start MC, we need to be in contact first and work towards this together. Right now she has lost all trust in me (I can't blame her to be honest) and won't even talk to me.

We need to talk first, need to build trust again. Then I'd be keen to do MC and anything it takes to amend. I'm very serious about this, she and the child are my number 1 priority.

What can I do to go back to talking terms and build trust again?
 
#10 ·
Your wife won't even speak to you but 30 seconds? She is showing you quite clearly who rules the roost. You have no hand in this relationship. It's likely to end, unless you straighten yourself out, stop tolerating bs behavior, and stop giving her all this power. If she doesn't want to reconcile this, you're screwed and need to accept it for your own good. If she doesn't want to, you don't need to try to reconcile.
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#12 ·
This is where it started from, I felt it was bs behaviour to book something despite my wish to rest when I'm on medication that causes tireness and likely to go through an operation soon.

Nonetheless, I went way to far with it and asked for divorce, so she said she'll do exactly what I asked for and hangs up the phone or won't even pick it up. She was not like that with the phone 3 days ago.

I don't feel it's the best point in time to set a boundary, she needs to trust me and when I mentioned divorce I blew her trust.
 
#13 ·
Why are you deeply in love with someone who doesn't consider you?

You have medical conditions and her social commitments are more important than you.

You need to pull back. Stick by your guns. Your declaration of wanting to divorce, though not the best choice, was your desparate plea for boundaries. Pull back hard.

Your boundaries are extremely important. She totally disrespects you. Time to fix it.

Oh and get the book Boundaries
 
#15 ·
I don't have a rational explanation but I have an extremely strong attachment to her. Perhaps it's because she gave me a lot of love & tenderness when there weren't any boundaries issues. We had broken up 5 years ago for 2.5 years and these pretty much the worst years of my life. I did counselling and got my act together but could never bond with anyone I dated nor was I able to give affection to another woman. Perhaps it's just love, it feels nice when she's next to me.

During the reconnection I did set boundaries (not enough apparently). What is so different now? I do not want to set a boundary right now because I risk not being able raise my child and I'll be confining myself to a Saturday-dad role. Also it's my fault for mentioning divorce, I went way too far so it needs to be me who builds rapport and trust before anything else (boundaries, joint counselling).

Regarding medical conditions vs social commitments, this is what angered me so much. In the past I've always cancelled dinners because she wasn't feeling well and helped her get better. I did expect her to do the same, especially given that I'm taking strong medication.

I'll read the book !
 
#18 ·
It is somewhat familiar but not identical, e.g. when we were separated I had gone out in the market, with some rejections and some successes, some of the girls were pretty hot, well educated and affectionate. But I could not click with any of them and when it "went well" in the first dates and it came to coming over for dinner I cancelled the date because I felt some sort of disgust when I thought sex would likely follow.

I think even my counsellor was puzzled by this and my insistence to repair the relationship with my (then) ex.

I did completely cut contact with my (then) ex to give a fair chance to a couple of dates but still could not feel attachment (or even really horny to be honest, it took a lot of alcohol to snog/kiss)
 
#19 ·
Try to recognize that threatening divorce when you don't meant it is a way to manipulate and to gain the emotional upper hand.....a power play. The one who does this imagines the recipient, upon hearing it, will panic and kiss their arse to avoid said divorce.

As you've found out your bluff may be called. Furthermore, it is difficult to trust one that threatens divorce, especially when a guy does it his pregnant wife..... that's one of the most vulnerable times in a woman's life and if she can't trust her hb it is terrifying. You've set yourself up as a hb who can't be trusted and won't protect her and that's a great way to get a woman to detach.

You need serious counseling to work on mutual communication so you don't feel the need to threaten divorce to manipulate her. And improved communication will benefit both of you.
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#20 ·
I should had never mentioned divorce, especially given that I don't want a divorce. It was the worse way possible of saying this has gone too far.

I'm more than willing to do counselling and anything it takes to amend this but what can I do till we get there? Before we get there we need to talk and I need to regain her trust.
 
#21 ·
You guys are out of balance and yes, you need to learn to speak sooner than later in a way that is calm assertive if she balks. speaking calmly sooner....

There is no "bad time" for boundaries. They are what maintains balance.
 
#22 ·
We talked today, I told her the steps I plan to take to regain her trust and that I'm very serious about this, she listened to me without hanging up and said she will think about it.

When/if things hopefully get better I will definitely go on with MC, right now I'm still very worried if she'll do the next step, communicate again & let me regain her trust.
 
#24 ·
This one-sided thing will not work. If you do to figure out what is causing this-/- I suspect I know....
You will be in the same shape, even if she chooses to reconcile.

Questions:
Does your wife appear to TRY to see your point of view in an arguement?
Does she ever say she is sorry when she is clearly in the wrong?
Do you feel like you are not being heard? I.e. She is not willing to accept a logical explanation for problems that occur?

Telling your wife you want a divorce has got to stop. That obviously has caused her to lose her feelings for you. If she had any left, you'd better show her some honest changes in how you handle your temper and arguements. If you go back to temper outbursts, her negative feelings will all come rushing back at once.

The good: she talked to you.

The bad: you are going to look for reassurance by calling her again.
DONT do that!!!!
Force yourself! Let her call you. When she does, show her some empathy for what she is feeling. Don't try to straighten her out on her end yet. You can help her until you've helped yourself!
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#26 ·
Answers:
- Sometimes she tries, but in many important things she does not
- She (very) rarely says she's sorry if she's clearly wrong, she'll usually dismiss the significance of an action she took
- I do feel like I'm not being heard

I won't mention a divorce ever again if she chooses to reconcile, there are other ways to say I don't like something she did.

I called her once more this evening, she didn't pick it up and I left it at that, I'll let her contact me (hopefully...).
 
#27 ·
Oh boy... This rebalancing this relationship is going to be a long road for you. What resources do you plan to study?
 
#28 ·
This is definitely going to be the case, I know but sometimes long roads may be worth it to be with the woman I love and raise my child.

I had taken negotiation courses and my job requires a lot of negotiation & team building so I have experience in setting boundaries but this is in a work environment/business. The problem is when I apply "professional" negotiation techniques to set boundaries she's the one that has a tantrum .. so I decided to keep that bag of techniques out of the relationship.

I really don't have an answer on how I'll approach this if we we there but lets see if we get there first, at this point I don't have a clue if she'll trust me again & want to reconcile..

I've already bought the kindle version of the boundaries book though :smile2: . Any further hints on resources?
 
#29 · (Edited)
Her hissy fits belong to her. You have to let her own that. Stand your ground, quietly beat your truth drum, but by god beat it or this relationships' days are numbered.

Codependent No More
Boundaries

Are great places(books) to start. Its great you have a head start in boundaries and negotiation. That will serve you in spades as soon as you get your fear of abandonment under control. Its your achillies heel, she knows it and uses it against you. Its why you react and manage her the way you do.

Give ACOA a consideration as well.


She absolutely has responsibility in this relationship not to use her emotions like weapons. Don't forget that as you move forward. It just may take her a while to realize it. Marriage counseling with a counselor well versed in boundaries would help speed that process up... IF your wife is willing.
 
#38 ·
I'm more than happy to discuss boundaries with her and a marital counsellor, I think it would be good and in this environment she may be more willing to work together.

We're far from going being there though, right now I don't even have a verdict on whether she wants to reconcile.

What is ACOA?

To be honest this is my main complaint, that whenever we are to discuss something important to both, she does use the fear of abandonment card.
 
#30 ·
Unless she is a high-risk pregnancy, pregnancy is not a handicap or a disability. No need to wear kid gloves around her and no need to postpone reasonable boundaries for 5 more months. She'll just run further ramshod over you.

Speak up for yourself and take action now.

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#32 ·
When we argue, she gets mild fever, this can be dangerous for the kid.

Any discussion that may upset her (such as setting boundaries) will need to be postponed after the birth. I'm not willing to risk even a 0.01% chance that something happens to the child. This is #1 priority.
 
#31 ·
I find it odd that this woman is pregnant with your baby and acts like she'd rather you just hit the road. If you can't man up and not let this woman drive you like a cheap truck, I'd think about letting her go. You are probably not wise to have children with a person you're not getting along great with...

She is really treating you like your not the only person in her life.
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#36 ·
In her defence, I was the one who mentioned divorce. She may have flaws regarding boundaries and listening but it was me mentioning divorce that created this situation.

I agree with everything about boundaries but right now she's giving what I "asked" for. It was a mistake to mention divorce out of spite but I did it and now I'm facing the consequences.

I don't have any reason to suspect there is another person in her life, I'm certain there isn't somebody else.
 
#35 ·
Londonguy,

What is going on here with you and your wife?
A mild fever? That's laughable.

Either she's sick or she's not. Certainly you don't want to have a big huge arguement when she's pregnant. Nobody is asking you to. Just be straightforward and do to accept any bullying by your wife and be good to her. If treating her good, but standing your ground when you know you're in the right is a bad thing, you need to get out of this relationship. Just be plain, no need to lose your temper or argue.
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#37 ·
By mild fever I mean 37.4 - 37.6, this is not a good thing and I don't want it to happen during pregnancy. Even a tiny chance of something happening is not worth it.

When I am firm about something, she will argue. One thing to consider, is that a pregnant woman has her hormones all over the place. I want to negotiate on boundaries but only when the pregnancy is over.
 
#39 ·
You were the one who mentioned divorce, right? How was she threatening abandonment? Iirc, she just accepted your threat.

My husband has never said the word divorce to me, never called me a name, never sworn at me. All those things would break my trust in him.

Here is a link you might want to read:

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife
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#40 ·
OP, reading this thread I get the sense that your wife is coming last in your priorities and this is what she is probably feeling.

Work seems to come first. I doubt you complain at work that you are tired. Work probably gets the best from you.

Second is your soon to be child. Your wife only matters because she is carrying him/her.

It does not matter what she may have done wrong or right, what matters is what you should do. If you care about your wife, act like it.

I think this boundaries talk is a waste of time. Just look at the damage you have done and fix it.
 
#43 ·
Actually this is not true at all, I leave work at a fixed time every day, no matter what so that we have time in the evenings and when I saw the doctor before the holidays I took days off work sick to mitigate as much of the condition I could before we had time together.

And no my wife does not matter only because she's carrying my child.

What I'm trying to do, fix the current situation, any discussion on boundaries will happen after the birth.
 
#45 ·
Huh. If I didn't know any better, I would say your wife is a selfish twit. Your threat of divorce was inappropriate, sure.

But I would tell you that the more you cater to her, the bigger sense of entitlement you will build within her.

Yes, you owe the pot for your threat. But that is not a license to treat you the way she has both before and after this threat of yours.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
 
#50 ·
Mine is not a threat.
 
#51 · (Edited)
I read your thread, but still haven't figured out why you went all the way to threatening D just because she was being selfish and you were tired when you really didn't mean it.

If she were this way all the time (and it sounds like she is) it would be understandable that you would get tired of it, and decide to end the relationship.

What is puzzling to me is that you said it without meaning it. My first husband used to get angry and tell me that he wanted a D. At the time I didn't realize he was just being mean and manipulative. He even went so far twice to say say he was going to the lawyer's and left the home for a few hours. At the time I also lived in a foreign country at the time. I would feel abandoned and frightened whenever he would do that. I cried in desperation more than once, and was relieved when he came back and apologized.

But one day he said it one time too many. I did not take him back when he came back saying he was sorry. He was shocked. I told him I wanted a D, and followed through with it, and that was one of the best decisions I had made for a long time.

If your wife comes back to you, you had better make sure that word never comes out of your mouth again, unless you really want to follow through.

Instead of lashing out with the D word, learn to express what you are really feeling, before you are thoroughly exasperated and worn out. Talking will get you far. She needs to do some growing up as well, but she is going to have to be willing to do that herself.

The both of you need to do some counseling to learn how to communicate better, and respect each other's boundaries.
 
#52 ·
I'll add one more book to your list... Emotional Blackmail. It describes the dynamic of anyone using fear, obligation or guilt to emotionally control someone else and how to break that cycle.

ACOA is Adult Children of Alcoholics

Adult Children of Alcoholics
 
#53 ·
Also, I think waiting to talk boundaries is ok. Think long range, get educated on destructive behaviors, formulate your plan to change the tide in your relationship and address it when timing is better. I've bided my time before. Nothing wrong with it.
 
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