Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

BuddyL33 · 04-30-2010, 08:39 AM

I am not sure this is the right forum for this overall issue, however, sex and intimacy is a huge problem for us so it seems to be the best fit out of all the choices.

I am a 33 yr old federal government IT worker. I work about 12-18 hours a week in the office, the rest I work out of the house.

My wife is a 31 yr old nurse. She works two 12 hour, night shifts a week on average.

Living with us is her 11 yr old son and our 1 year old son. The past year or so has been extremely rough for us. We have dealt with a new baby, her having some health issues, and marriage issues.

Her problem with me has been that she feels that I am unreliable as a partner and passive-aggressive with her. Now the unreliableness doesn't stem from me being lazy around the home. I handle 95% of the finances, I do ALL of the house work (this includes dishes, trash, vacuum, dusting, all laundry except hers, etc). On the days I go into the office, I often don't get to relax at all until the kids are asleep, which often is about 900pm. On the days I work from home, I rarely get much work done because I am watching our son while she sleeps all day from working over night.

What I do screw up on is she will ask me to do something, wash something a certain way, put something away a certain way, anything like that. Then I agree to it and don't do it how she wants or don't do it at all. This leads to her smarting off to me or nagging me about stuff. I then in turn respond in a passive manner. I feel like I do this because I have grown to resent her, what I see as laziness. Just this morning she told her son (my stepson) she would take him to school. I went up there 2x to wake her up and come time to go to school, she's still in bed sleeping.

All of this has led to a completely horrible sex life, which used to be a completely amazing sex life. I think we've had sex maybe 7 or 8 times in the last year, sometimes going 3 months in between. But it gets worse.

Our son, who is 1, still sleeps in our bed. This is something I agreed to initially to assist with her breast feeding. However she hasn't breast fed him since he was 8 mos old. As a result, he hates his crib, and he still doesn't sleep through the night, often waking up 2-4 times, sometimes all the way where he his up for 2-4 hours.

As a result of all of this I get little to no affection from my wife unless I initiate. When I go to kiss or hug her she kisses or hugs back, but it's quick and she's ready to move on to whatever it was she was doing when I went to kiss her. She won't just stop and enjoy the moment.

When we do spend alone time together it's always doing the things she likes. We go to the casino so she can gamble (I hate the casino but go and sit with her, often for 4-6 hours while she plays). When we are at the casino she is a completely different person. She flirts hard with me, initiates affection, and even talks about sex. Then we get home and there is a restless baby in our bed and all the promises of what she's going to do to me go right out the window. We watch tv shows together several nights a week, but they are only the things she likes (reality shows, cooking shows, etc). Sure I have grown to enjoy them but she will never do anything I suggest.

I am really lost here. I know I am not a perfect husband. I know I can be passive which combined with her personality, brings out the worst in her. But I have grown lonely. I long for her affection, for her to show me she loves me and is attracted to me, instead of just saying the words. I have become extremely depressed. Each day I find myself thinking about how much I desire my wife, how much I want her and need her in my life and how I just want her to show me she feels the same way.

I feel like our relationship is headed for the trash though and I really don't know how much longer I can take being made to feel like I am never a priority. I don't expect to always be the priority as we are a family, we have children and a house to take care of. But I need more than what I am getting now.

04-30-2010, 08:39 AM	#1 (permalink)
BuddyL33 Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 184	Left Out In The Cold I am not sure this is the right forum for this overall issue, however, sex and intimacy is a huge problem for us so it seems to be the best fit out of all the choices. I am a 33 yr old federal government IT worker. I work about 12-18 hours a week in the office, the rest I work out of the house. My wife is a 31 yr old nurse. She works two 12 hour, night shifts a week on average. Living with us is her 11 yr old son and our 1 year old son. The past year or so has been extremely rough for us. We have dealt with a new baby, her having some health issues, and marriage issues. Her problem with me has been that she feels that I am unreliable as a partner and passive-aggressive with her. Now the unreliableness doesn't stem from me being lazy around the home. I handle 95% of the finances, I do ALL of the house work (this includes dishes, trash, vacuum, dusting, all laundry except hers, etc). On the days I go into the office, I often don't get to relax at all until the kids are asleep, which often is about 900pm. On the days I work from home, I rarely get much work done because I am watching our son while she sleeps all day from working over night. What I do screw up on is she will ask me to do something, wash something a certain way, put something away a certain way, anything like that. Then I agree to it and don't do it how she wants or don't do it at all. This leads to her smarting off to me or nagging me about stuff. I then in turn respond in a passive manner. I feel like I do this because I have grown to resent her, what I see as laziness. Just this morning she told her son (my stepson) she would take him to school. I went up there 2x to wake her up and come time to go to school, she's still in bed sleeping. All of this has led to a completely horrible sex life, which used to be a completely amazing sex life. I think we've had sex maybe 7 or 8 times in the last year, sometimes going 3 months in between. But it gets worse. Our son, who is 1, still sleeps in our bed. This is something I agreed to initially to assist with her breast feeding. However she hasn't breast fed him since he was 8 mos old. As a result, he hates his crib, and he still doesn't sleep through the night, often waking up 2-4 times, sometimes all the way where he his up for 2-4 hours. As a result of all of this I get little to no affection from my wife unless I initiate. When I go to kiss or hug her she kisses or hugs back, but it's quick and she's ready to move on to whatever it was she was doing when I went to kiss her. She won't just stop and enjoy the moment. When we do spend alone time together it's always doing the things she likes. We go to the casino so she can gamble (I hate the casino but go and sit with her, often for 4-6 hours while she plays). When we are at the casino she is a completely different person. She flirts hard with me, initiates affection, and even talks about sex. Then we get home and there is a restless baby in our bed and all the promises of what she's going to do to me go right out the window. We watch tv shows together several nights a week, but they are only the things she likes (reality shows, cooking shows, etc). Sure I have grown to enjoy them but she will never do anything I suggest. I am really lost here. I know I am not a perfect husband. I know I can be passive which combined with her personality, brings out the worst in her. But I have grown lonely. I long for her affection, for her to show me she loves me and is attracted to me, instead of just saying the words. I have become extremely depressed. Each day I find myself thinking about how much I desire my wife, how much I want her and need her in my life and how I just want her to show me she feels the same way. I feel like our relationship is headed for the trash though and I really don't know how much longer I can take being made to feel like I am never a priority. I don't expect to always be the priority as we are a family, we have children and a house to take care of. But I need more than what I am getting now.