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Do Relationships Fall Apart Easier These Days?

11K views 33 replies 16 participants last post by  WhyMe66 
#1 ·


While I realize that the challenges couples face today are much different than they were 20 years ago, sometimes it feels like modern day relationships fall apart much easier.

What do you feel is the reason for that? Social media? Life styles that have become far too busy?

Do we simply give up too easily?
 
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#3 ·
Whatever reason one wants to find to end a relationship or deem it tiresome, they'll adhere it. There is no blanket foundation, just a multitude of facts convoluted by one undeniable fact, what does my relationship do for ME?!. The WE part died a long time ago. But please, pick any particular instance and save for abuse or mistreatment everyone has a reason nowadays to abandon a relationship.
 
#4 ·
While I realize that the challenges couples face today are much different than they were 20 years ago, sometimes it feels like modern day relationships fall apart much easier.

What do you feel is the reason for that? Social media? Life styles that have become far too busy?

Do we simply give up too easily?

Your premise is wrong.

The challenges couples face today are pretty much the same as they were 20 years ago, the only difference is that today we are no longer expected to suffer in silence, or grin and bear it, or habitually deprioritize ourselves in order to remain married.

People don't walk out of a marriage over flimsy or temporary problems. They never have and they never will. Whether the left behind spouse agrees or not, leaving a marriage has always been and always will be serious business and not taken lightly.
 
#5 ·
I see it as going from suffering in silence to suffering in exposure. Instead of individuals dealing with relational problems between partners, they are now aired to friends, family and social media. Not only do the individuals that are publicly voicing their problems divorce themselves of responsibility, they also accept the "advice" from others, which is typically slanted towards refusal of forgiveness.

I disagree that people don't walk out over flimsy or temporary problems. This over-exposure of problems actually escalates and blows them out of proportion. Small problems become big problems when the 'victim' has moral support from many others on their side. Campbell and Manning's Microaggression and Moral Cultures explains a lot of this behavior, although it wasn't targeted for romantic relationships.

In fact, we are now in the era of self-expressive marriages, or all-or-nothing marriages. These arrangements are composed of individuals that ask "what am I going to get out of this relationship" instead of (principally) "what can I put into this relationship".

As was hinted at first, we are moving towards a more unforgivable stance to perceived acts of emotional aggression. This means that the 'victim' will or must experience emotional trauma, as refusing to forgive results in a permanent emotional wound. We left behind the "stay together no matter what" arrangements (thank goodness) but seem to have forgotten to take commitment and forgiveness with us into our new arrangements.

Yes, relationships fall apart easier these days. Many relationships that can become totally blissful are discarded as if they were trash. Much of the fault is on society for engendering this mentality. We can unlearn it and replace it with respect, acceptance and forgiveness.
 
#7 ·
Add the sad fact that the mega-trillion dollar family law business dictates the command that it does, I really feel that they at going to make things foremostly easier but rather pricey for divorce to happen, i. e. No-fault divorce laws and rules of court. The courts are tired of contested trials and simply want to be nothing more than a "stamp pad" where the litigants shell out their thousands of dollars and have the court validate the wishes of the person who has the greatest likelihood of shelling out the lions share of the money!

To quote the traveling preacher from O Brother Where Art Thou?, "it's all about the money, boys!"

Posted via Mobile Device
 
#8 ·
While I realize that the challenges couples face today are much different than they were 20 years ago, sometimes it feels like modern day relationships fall apart much easier.

What do you feel is the reason for that? Social media? Life styles that have become far too busy?

Do we simply give up too easily?
No. It's about the same.

It is not clear if you are talking about marriages or unmarried dating or ONS off tinder or POF.

Individuals are waiting longer to tie the knot if at all and that is a very good and responsible thing to do since divorce is so costly and painful and the cause is often a lack of maturity and experience.
 
#10 ·
My marriage is almost 50 years old. All of our friends are similarly situated. When I was young a divorced woman was seen as a damaged woman. Women who had premarital sex were ****s and damaged goods not suitable for marriage, just someone you can have casual sex with. We had no internet or cable TV to make divorce into sitcoms and cheating the subject of movies and TV shows. When I married, I married a 20 year old virgin after having sex with all of my previous girlfriends. I feel hypocritical about it now but back then that is what most of us men did. There were women to have sex with and women to marry.

Despit the stigmas, even good girls were having sex with men if they were engaged or thought that they would marry someday. Premarital sex and cheating goes on despite what society and religion think about it. We are governed by our hormones and when emotions come into play, we all make bad decisions. Now we have TV sitcoms about divorced people, cheating and casual sex. We are exposed to those things all the time until they do not feel as bad as they used to. Men and woman see how a husband or wife should behave from TV and movies. There are those who get their idea of what marriage and relationships should be from the media and if it does not work out that way, they are dissatisfied.

We have very large websites for cheating spouses to hook up with others and free porn. The internet is filled with posts from husbands who want their wives to act and behave like what they see in porn. If they do not, they grow dissatisfied and seek it elsewhere. Today people are used to divorce, casual sex and cheating. They see if every week on their TV's or the movies. It is not shocking or carry a stigma like it did in my younger days. Divorce is also much easier to get today. When i lived in Texas it costs you $250 and an even split of the property and you were divorced in 3 months. My neighbors would divorce every time they had a major argument. They were on their 5th divorce when we moved. My best friend was on his 3rd wife in 3 years. Back in the ancient times where I lived, there was also a lot more religious people who just did not go to church on Easter and Christmas. For Catholics there was the problem that if you divorced, you could not get remarried in a church again, unless you knew the right people and made good donations to get your marriage annulled.

Now, after the first wedding, no one cares how they get married the subsequent times. The point is that unhappy couples stuck together and found ways to work things out. Now, it is much easier to just get up and leave. I am seeing younger couples we know, divorce at an alarming rate. Back in my day I did not see that until the 70's. I think we all have seen the studies that show the divorce rate keeps climbing over time, as does the cheating rate. It is so much easier to cheat and divorce now that it was when I was young.

Personally I do not believe monogamy is workable for many marriages and think that someday we will have short term marriage contract that are renewable. It sounds crazy but if you get into a 5 year marriage contract that has all the same protections and laws that we have now for alimony and child support, what is the big deal if you simply extend it for another 5 years every time if you are happily married. On the other hand if you are not happily married you can plan for the end of the marriage when the contract expires and have a smoother transition and prepare for it.
 
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#12 ·
My marriage is almost 50 years old. All of our friends are similarly situated. When I was young a divorced woman was seen as a damaged woman. Women who had premarital sex were ****s and damaged goods not suitable for marriage, just someone you can have casual sex with. We had no internet or cable TV to make divorce into sitcoms and cheating the subject of movies and TV shows. When I married, I married a 20 year old virgin after having sex with all of my previous girlfriends. I feel hypocritical about it now but back then that is what most of us men did. There were women to have sex with and women to marry.

There are lots of films dealing with adultery and infedelity starting from the date of 1915. You need only go to IMDB.com and do a keyword search,
 
#15 ·
While I realize that the challenges couples face today are much different than they were 20 years ago, sometimes it feels like modern day relationships fall apart much easier.
Are the challenges really that different from 20 years ago? I remember 1996. It wasn't that different from today as far as marriage goes.

Divorce rates have been dropping since the 90's:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divor...age_and_Divorce_Rates_in_the_US_1990-2007.png

In 1996, cell phones were new-ish and were not smart phones. The internet wasn't so much a thing, so not as many forums for people to be louder about their problems, but louder doesn't mean more.
 
#17 ·
Couples face the same challenges they always have, even though they take different forms. Do relationships fall apart more easily now? The vulnerable ones do, yes. The anchoring force of societal shame has largely been removed from marriage, so weak marriages do tend to die more easily.

There's a positive flipside to this however. While people have less problems with "airing their laundry", part and parcel to that is a greater exchange of ideas and information. People now have access to tools, books and information they can use to improve their marriage. So for the people that are motivated enough to try to save their marriage, there is more help now than there ever has been. People don't have to be held together by shame anymore--they actually have a chance to be happy.
 
#19 ·
While I realize that the challenges couples face today are much different than they were 20 years ago, sometimes it feels like modern day relationships fall apart much easier.

What do you feel is the reason for that? Social media? Life styles that have become far too busy?

Do we simply give up too easily?
As always, it's about choices. The more choices you have, the more giving up or just not putting up with as much, looks better. The choices today are better than they have been in the past. There are support groups for all manner of issues, whether real or invented and distorted. There are many ways to get validation for almost anything we choose to do. Someone is bound to offer a shoulder to cry on and a way out.

So, it comes down to internal forces, intestinal fortitude, character, morals, or whatever you want to call them. It isn't easy, but it is easy to find someone to say, "Aw, I'm so sorry. Give me a hug. That feels great. Tell me what they did? I know how to make them pay. You're so lovely. Etc."

Today, there are more challenges with increasing ways to communicate privately. We will do many things in private that we won't do in public. That's always been true, but there are many more ways we can find privacy or maybe privacy and anonymity.

I think life is more complicated today.
 
#24 ·
They don't fall apart easier, people ALLOW them to fall apart because the stigma of cheating and divorce in society is negligible.

I have issue with the fact that a partner can cheat, divorce and be no worse off in society, in fact probably better off financially.

These days we don't say "what a cheating wh*re/pr*ck, don't go near them!", we say "Oh well, it just wasn't meant to be"

I don't think that societies views on cheating and divorce are healthy at the moment.

If we as a society aren't willing to uphold the intent of marriage (monogamy and loyalty), and extricate those who boldly and openly desecrate those morals, then we should just get rid of any financially binding clauses/obligations of marriage and only have partnership relationships.
 
#25 ·
They don't fall apart easier, people ALLOW them to fall apart because the stigma of cheating and divorce in society is negligible.

I have issue with the fact that a partner can cheat, divorce and be no worse off in society, in fact probably better off financially.

These days we don't say "what a cheating wh*re/pr*ck, don't go near them!", we say "Oh well, it just wasn't meant to be"

I don't think that societies views on cheating and divorce are healthy at the moment.


If we as a society aren't willing to uphold the intent of marriage (monogamy and loyalty), and extricate those who boldly and openly desecrate those morals, then we should just get rid of any financially binding clauses/obligations of marriage and only have partnership relationships.

Men have always had a free pass to cheat and face ZERO consequences. The reality is that these days women enjoy the same societal censor free aftermath of infidelity. Lamentable as it is that cheaters aren't tossed out of their homes with nothing and no recourse when their children are ripped away...oh wait that was only women who faced that consequence.
 
#31 ·
Whether it is "begging" or not, the traditional definition of forgiveness is absurd.
Not sure what the "traditional" definition is? I see each one of us as an individual with individual needs and therefore with a slightly different definition of forgiveness. What I need is not what someone else needs.


We forgive ourselves, not others.
This is true, but we can only forgive ourselves and let it go when we know the one we love is not harmed by what we have done or said. Otherwise, it's acceptance of what we have done and moving on with a wound that never can heal.


So why should I hold that power over someone by accepting their apology? Why should I play into and promote that logic?
If what your wife needs to feel better is not important enough for you to hear her out and not dismiss her feelings, I don't understand how she can feel anything, but disrespected and belittled.


I help free her from her mental prison if she feels that way.
Only if she has not hurt your feelings. I don't know anyone who is perfect and has never had their feelings hurt. Sure, sometimes we do it and don't mean it. In that case, maybe she doesn't need to apologize, technically. If you don't listen to her, you invalidate her feelings. In turn, you take a chance of hurting her feelings.


It isn't controlling in any manner to do so. I don't say "I reject your apology". I say that she has no need to apologize. I just want to enjoy every moment. She knows this concept as well, except when she becomes emotional.
I disagree that it isn't controlling. You aren't allowing her to be who she is and accept that she has feelings. Whether those feelings are justified or not, she has them all the same.
 
#33 ·
If what your wife needs to feel better is not important enough for you to hear her out and not dismiss her feelings, I don't understand how she can feel anything, but disrespected and belittled.
It is you that is implying dismissal, disrespect and belittlement. Your lack of imagination is your failure here. I don't dismiss her feelings. I embrace them. We talk about her feelings, and why she feels that way, instead of false forgiveness.

I already mentioned to you that she agrees with me. She told me this before we were even dating. Do you want to change reality? What do you get out of it?

Only if she has not hurt your feelings. I don't know anyone who is perfect and has never had their feelings hurt. Sure, sometimes we do it and don't mean it. In that case, maybe she doesn't need to apologize, technically. If you don't listen to her, you invalidate her feelings. In turn, you take a chance of hurting her feelings.
False assumption, again. What gives you the basis to assume that there is no conversation unless I say "I forgive you"?



I disagree that it isn't controlling. You aren't allowing her to be who she is and accept that she has feelings. Whether those feelings are justified or not, she has them all the same.
Completely wrong.

The emotional mind is not rational. This isn't a derogatory statement. It is factual and based on basic psychological principles. When someone is emotional, you destroy relationships by taking the emotional mind seriously instead of the truth or person's directed thoughts.

Saying that I don't control forgiveness over her isn't controlling her. It allows her to push that button herself. She knows this. She believes this, herself. Any negative moment is immediately de-escalated with this approach.
 
#34 ·
I think the ease of divorce, "no fault" or "uncontested," the collapse of morals, has made relationships far more disposable. People don't need to work on them anymore, they change partners like they change underwear. More often, sometimes.
 
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