Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"
How many times on the CWI threads do you read a well-meaning poster say something to the affect that "...once the OM/OW dumps your WS, your WS will realize they are about to lose everything and come crawling back to beg you to forgive them.
All of the anecdotal evidence I have read and seen on TAM over the past four years tell a vastly different story of how waywards act. Very few are truly repentant. This fantasy that wayward spouses somehow, at some point, have an epiphany that they have destroyed their life by leaving their BS for another, and come "crawling back" just seems to me to be a pipe dream.
From what I have seen, 99% of the wayward spouses who do eventually break off their affairs and come back to their BSs do so only because they got thrown under the bus by their AP, and have no other options, and even then their willingness to work on reconciliation is conditional:
"Well, I admit that having an affair was wrong and I'm sorry for hurting you, but I'm not sorry for having an affair because I needed something that you were not providing me..."
"Well, I am willing to work on our marriage, but I am still in love with my AP, so don't expect me to just act like your spouse for a long time. And I am not ready to have sex with you, so don't even ask."
"If I come back there are going to be some changes..."
"Why do we have to keep talking about this? Can't we just move on with our lives?"
And so on... ad nausea....
Now, to be clear, I'm not talking about WSs who get busted for having a one night stand. They are a different category. Usually when they get busted they fess up and beg forgiveness. I'm mainly referring to WSs who have been engaged in an ongoing affair and have developed a strong relationship with their AP.
These are the spouses who gave great thought to leaving their spouse and the marriage for the AP, engaged in a short to lengthy affair, and were found out at some point by their spouse, but determined to continue on with the affair knowing it would end their marriage.
My question to you all is...are we doing a disservice to the newbie BSs who come on to TAM asking for our advice when we tell them something like this?
It just seems like we are stetting them up for disappointment.
In other words, you feel that we should tell BSs whose spouses are having serious affairs that they should divorce right away?