Fantasy vs. Reality
One of the most powerful concepts offered to me during my time as a graduate student was regarding relationships and divorce. During a lecture on the theories of divorce, we were discussing the ‘disillusionment model.' In essence, the model offers that couples often enter into marriage with an idealized view of their partner, as newlyweds are motivated to see their partner in a positive way. This is understandable, of course, and mostly an unconscious process. If you’ve just hitched yourself to someone for the remainder of your mortal life, they better be the bee’s knees. So the brains of engaged and newly married couples tend to emphasize the positive and avoid or diminish conflicts and negative feelings within their relationship, and the world is a beautiful place.
But then life sets in and, as the model’s name suggests, so does disillusionment. Waller (1938) argued that disillusionment in marriage in nearly inevitable: “Before marriage we have our phantasies [sic]…after marriage we have the real person, which brings with it its own delights, but the phantasy is usually nobler and more kind” (p. 312). This disillusionment may then be accompanied by feelings of a diminished connection, loss of affection, or that one’s spouse is “less in love” than before. And within this, some couples ultimately feel that maybe they married the wrong person, or that my spouse wasn’t who I thought he was, and they get divorced.
You Complete Me
While this model is only one of many potential explanations for why couple’s get divorced, it resonated with me. In Western culture, love and marriage are often offered as an idealized (there’s that word again) “answer” to many of life’s questions. We are encouraged to “find the one,” to marry our “better half” who “completes” us. And I would think, completes me? Aren’t I a whole person? My “better half”? Shouldn’t I contribute just as much good to a relationship as my partner? I had always felt that divorce was a result of people entering into relationships with unrealistic expectations of their partner to fill all their holes and heal all their wounds, and here was a model that supported that. I didn’t feel so baffled anymore.
And then my professor offered the powerful concept that has remained with me since: “Instead of trying to find the right person, wouldn’t it be better if we were trying to be the right person.” Light bulb! Instead of spending our time looking for someone “worth” marrying, what if we focused our energy on being the type of person we wanted ourselves to be in a relationship? If we were all intent on being the right person, the fate of our marriage would likely be less dependent upon the ability of our partner to maintain our view of them. We might instead have the room to grow and learn within the best versions of ourselves. If we’re not expected to be a filler of holes, the mender of wounds, or the better half who can’t possibly ever really do any of those things, we can instead show up and be what we are: a loving and supportive spouse intent on loving and supporting our spouse.
Getting vs. Being
Recently, I experienced a similar “Ah ha!” moment upon finding this post on “getting” versus “being” in a relationship. Again, intent on finding their happily ever after, some people often spend more time and energy (and money) “getting” into a relationship than they do “being “ in a relationship. If you’ve spent all of that time and energy (and money) establishing this life, shouldn’t you be intent on protecting and maintaining it? Statistics say no, showing that, on average, couples seek marital support services 18 months after they should have (where the “should” means when counseling likely would have still benefitted them). Couples typically seek support services well after they can have much of an impact on the deteriorating relationship, often as a last-ditch effort to avoid divorce. It seems that maybe the anticipation of the time and energy (and money) that accompanies getting out of a marriage is a too-little, too-late motivator for finally “being” in a marriage.
So what about you? Do you strive to be the best partner you can be in your relationship, or do you often find yourself keeping score of all the ways your partner isn’t? Can you say that you devote as much, or, ideally, more, time and energy (and money) to “being” in your relationship as you did “getting” into it?
Read the full length article here: Washington DC Couples & Marriage Therapy and Relationship Coaching
Sarah Schmermund, MA, specializes in Marriage & Family Therapy and Relationship Coaching in downtown Washington, DC.
One of the most powerful concepts offered to me during my time as a graduate student was regarding relationships and divorce. During a lecture on the theories of divorce, we were discussing the ‘disillusionment model.' In essence, the model offers that couples often enter into marriage with an idealized view of their partner, as newlyweds are motivated to see their partner in a positive way. This is understandable, of course, and mostly an unconscious process. If you’ve just hitched yourself to someone for the remainder of your mortal life, they better be the bee’s knees. So the brains of engaged and newly married couples tend to emphasize the positive and avoid or diminish conflicts and negative feelings within their relationship, and the world is a beautiful place.
But then life sets in and, as the model’s name suggests, so does disillusionment. Waller (1938) argued that disillusionment in marriage in nearly inevitable: “Before marriage we have our phantasies [sic]…after marriage we have the real person, which brings with it its own delights, but the phantasy is usually nobler and more kind” (p. 312). This disillusionment may then be accompanied by feelings of a diminished connection, loss of affection, or that one’s spouse is “less in love” than before. And within this, some couples ultimately feel that maybe they married the wrong person, or that my spouse wasn’t who I thought he was, and they get divorced.
You Complete Me
While this model is only one of many potential explanations for why couple’s get divorced, it resonated with me. In Western culture, love and marriage are often offered as an idealized (there’s that word again) “answer” to many of life’s questions. We are encouraged to “find the one,” to marry our “better half” who “completes” us. And I would think, completes me? Aren’t I a whole person? My “better half”? Shouldn’t I contribute just as much good to a relationship as my partner? I had always felt that divorce was a result of people entering into relationships with unrealistic expectations of their partner to fill all their holes and heal all their wounds, and here was a model that supported that. I didn’t feel so baffled anymore.
And then my professor offered the powerful concept that has remained with me since: “Instead of trying to find the right person, wouldn’t it be better if we were trying to be the right person.” Light bulb! Instead of spending our time looking for someone “worth” marrying, what if we focused our energy on being the type of person we wanted ourselves to be in a relationship? If we were all intent on being the right person, the fate of our marriage would likely be less dependent upon the ability of our partner to maintain our view of them. We might instead have the room to grow and learn within the best versions of ourselves. If we’re not expected to be a filler of holes, the mender of wounds, or the better half who can’t possibly ever really do any of those things, we can instead show up and be what we are: a loving and supportive spouse intent on loving and supporting our spouse.
Getting vs. Being
Recently, I experienced a similar “Ah ha!” moment upon finding this post on “getting” versus “being” in a relationship. Again, intent on finding their happily ever after, some people often spend more time and energy (and money) “getting” into a relationship than they do “being “ in a relationship. If you’ve spent all of that time and energy (and money) establishing this life, shouldn’t you be intent on protecting and maintaining it? Statistics say no, showing that, on average, couples seek marital support services 18 months after they should have (where the “should” means when counseling likely would have still benefitted them). Couples typically seek support services well after they can have much of an impact on the deteriorating relationship, often as a last-ditch effort to avoid divorce. It seems that maybe the anticipation of the time and energy (and money) that accompanies getting out of a marriage is a too-little, too-late motivator for finally “being” in a marriage.
So what about you? Do you strive to be the best partner you can be in your relationship, or do you often find yourself keeping score of all the ways your partner isn’t? Can you say that you devote as much, or, ideally, more, time and energy (and money) to “being” in your relationship as you did “getting” into it?
Read the full length article here: Washington DC Couples & Marriage Therapy and Relationship Coaching
Sarah Schmermund, MA, specializes in Marriage & Family Therapy and Relationship Coaching in downtown Washington, DC.