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15K views 47 replies 37 participants last post by  Wing Man 
#1 ·
Fantasy vs. Reality

One of the most powerful concepts offered to me during my time as a graduate student was regarding relationships and divorce. During a lecture on the theories of divorce, we were discussing the ‘disillusionment model.' In essence, the model offers that couples often enter into marriage with an idealized view of their partner, as newlyweds are motivated to see their partner in a positive way. This is understandable, of course, and mostly an unconscious process. If you’ve just hitched yourself to someone for the remainder of your mortal life, they better be the bee’s knees. So the brains of engaged and newly married couples tend to emphasize the positive and avoid or diminish conflicts and negative feelings within their relationship, and the world is a beautiful place.

But then life sets in and, as the model’s name suggests, so does disillusionment. Waller (1938) argued that disillusionment in marriage in nearly inevitable: “Before marriage we have our phantasies [sic]…after marriage we have the real person, which brings with it its own delights, but the phantasy is usually nobler and more kind” (p. 312). This disillusionment may then be accompanied by feelings of a diminished connection, loss of affection, or that one’s spouse is “less in love” than before. And within this, some couples ultimately feel that maybe they married the wrong person, or that my spouse wasn’t who I thought he was, and they get divorced.

You Complete Me

While this model is only one of many potential explanations for why couple’s get divorced, it resonated with me. In Western culture, love and marriage are often offered as an idealized (there’s that word again) “answer” to many of life’s questions. We are encouraged to “find the one,” to marry our “better half” who “completes” us. And I would think, completes me? Aren’t I a whole person? My “better half”? Shouldn’t I contribute just as much good to a relationship as my partner? I had always felt that divorce was a result of people entering into relationships with unrealistic expectations of their partner to fill all their holes and heal all their wounds, and here was a model that supported that. I didn’t feel so baffled anymore.

And then my professor offered the powerful concept that has remained with me since: “Instead of trying to find the right person, wouldn’t it be better if we were trying to be the right person.” Light bulb! Instead of spending our time looking for someone “worth” marrying, what if we focused our energy on being the type of person we wanted ourselves to be in a relationship? If we were all intent on being the right person, the fate of our marriage would likely be less dependent upon the ability of our partner to maintain our view of them. We might instead have the room to grow and learn within the best versions of ourselves. If we’re not expected to be a filler of holes, the mender of wounds, or the better half who can’t possibly ever really do any of those things, we can instead show up and be what we are: a loving and supportive spouse intent on loving and supporting our spouse.

Getting vs. Being

Recently, I experienced a similar “Ah ha!” moment upon finding this post on “getting” versus “being” in a relationship. Again, intent on finding their happily ever after, some people often spend more time and energy (and money) “getting” into a relationship than they do “being “ in a relationship. If you’ve spent all of that time and energy (and money) establishing this life, shouldn’t you be intent on protecting and maintaining it? Statistics say no, showing that, on average, couples seek marital support services 18 months after they should have (where the “should” means when counseling likely would have still benefitted them). Couples typically seek support services well after they can have much of an impact on the deteriorating relationship, often as a last-ditch effort to avoid divorce. It seems that maybe the anticipation of the time and energy (and money) that accompanies getting out of a marriage is a too-little, too-late motivator for finally “being” in a marriage.

So what about you? Do you strive to be the best partner you can be in your relationship, or do you often find yourself keeping score of all the ways your partner isn’t? Can you say that you devote as much, or, ideally, more, time and energy (and money) to “being” in your relationship as you did “getting” into it?

Read the full length article here: Washington DC Couples & Marriage Therapy and Relationship Coaching

Sarah Schmermund, MA, specializes in Marriage & Family Therapy and Relationship Coaching in downtown Washington, DC.
 
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#38 ·
everyone needs a scapegoat love...

miss me??
 
#39 ·
I would TOTALLY marry me. Here are my, and my potential spouse's (me)qualities:

I rock. No, really. I play guitar.
Which leads me to my next point. I love music. I play Tool, Yes, Led Zeppelin, Black Keys, well, you get it.
I'm super smart. Yeah, I am. I say this because I am smart enough to know that I don't know it all.
I love, love, LOVE my family. I am a family-oriented dude.
I like sports. I played soccer in college.
I am a libertarian. Ron Paul 2008! Ron Paul 2012! Rand Paul 2016!
I love God.

My deficiencies are:
I'm OCD.
I have canine teeth, skinny legs, and attached earlobes.
I don't always like admitting when I am wrong.
I have a potty mouth.
I have PTSD.


I would probably get tired of me, but being married to me would be awesome!

Now, my wife doesn't play any instrument, sport, or like the same music I like. She couldn't care less about politics aside from when I delve into it. We are just enough opposite to keep it lively but we have things in common like the love of our family and God. She's faithful to me. Shoot, we even complete one another on a parental level. She isn't much in the way of hands-on with the kids, as to where I can't love on them or play with them enough. We truly balance each other. I've always said to her, though, aside from a lack of affection, if I could change one thing about her it would be the music aspect. I really, really feel music. I critique it. I talk about it. I talk about key changes, chord structures, time signatures, scales, octaves, and the like. She couldn't care less. She doesn't understand a good melody or three-part harmony. God love her.
 
#41 ·
I was going to marry myself last year when the divorce was final.....

But then I found out I wasn't really pregnant and just lied to keep me around which lead to a whole list of other problems. I eventually had to break it off when I realized "I love myself but I wasn't in love with myself", so now I'm seeing an alter ego who's great. He makes me do things, TERRIBLE THINGS I don't remember, but he's so funny and charming and exciting and he only hits me when I deserve it. I think he may be the one for me! *fingers crossed*:smthumbup::rofl:
 
#44 ·
Until such time that my psychological frame of mind is back to its former state, I definitely would not want to marry me.

While no person is going to be batting a 1000%, two people must realize that each has distinct traits and characteristics that complements, as well as offers contrast to the other.

Call me jaded if you will, but one thing is of definite certainty: I will never ever bring myself to marry a woman of wealthy means again! Now while I may have had some mild equivocations and misgivings about that factor going in to that marriage, those now have largely turned into a rather overt prejudice.
 
#46 ·
I absolutely put the time, energy and money into my relationship now that I did getting into it. Far more, in fact.

With that said, I could never marry me! The differing qualities of my husband and I are what makes us work well together. I "wear the pants" most of the time, but my husband is there to set me straight when I go off the deep end or I'm being unreasonable. If I was with myself, I'd argue with me a lot, have no other friends, and get nothing done.

My husband makes me a better, more well-rounded person... and I think I do the same for him.
 
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