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What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

21K views 51 replies 39 participants last post by  SunCMars 
#1 ·
I have been married for 27 yrs. I always thought my wife and I had a pretty good relationship. The sex was fun, we do a lot of things together. We usually spend our free time together. Overall, I thought she was generally happy.
During lovemaking we always had a lot of eye contact, even during the times she wasn't totally in the mood.
Over the last 5 or 6 weeks, I have noticed a lack of eye contact. Even during a change of position, she will have her eyes locked shut. I have started watching for it and her eyes are closed almost the entire time now. I brought it up a couple of times and she just gets very defensive and angry.
To me, it feels like I'm watching her make love to someone else. I feel totally disconnected from her. She doesn't admit it, but I seriously think she is fantasizing about someone else, and it is happening every time, now. I'm almost to the point I don't want sex with her anymore.
We have been under a lot of financial stress paying for two kids in college and her job is very stressful, lately. She also blames me totally for our financial problems. I work in the building trades and was out of work for 2 years when this recession hit back in 2008. I had never been out of work the entire time we have been married until then, and she was a stay at home mom, working 2 days a week so she could spend more time with our 3 children. She went back fulltime when I was layed off. She told me she blamed me after the first time I asked her what is going on with her eyes closed. She also said she was thinking about a separation, and that she has never been so unhappy. I don't understand how we can spend time together laughing and having fun with numerous activities and then she tells me she has been thinking of a separation. I feel like I just got hit by a truck. Since our argument, we seemingly get along again. We spend our free together and I feel close to her, but I felt that way before, too.
I honestly don't think she has had an affair, but I do think there might be someone she knows that she is fantasizing about. After valentines day I will bring it up again if I notice her in her little dream world while having sex with me. Also, while we do get along well, and seem to enjoy each others company, I have been feeling like we are just roommates, not lovers. There has been very little, if any, physical contact outside of the bedroom the last couple years. I can understand this if she is so unhappy.
I guess I feel as if she has just fallen out of love with me but can't go through with leaving me just yet. I don't really know what to think. I am fairly confident there is no one else, at least so far. Who knows, maybe she isn't fantasizing? But, it sure feels like it.
I should also mention that she said part of the problem was that I don't do enough to help out at home with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I have stepped up my game in that area and I don't believe she would leave me now. The big thing is paying for tuition and that will be easier in 3 months when only one is still in school.
Maybe her frustration with my lack of helping has caused her loss of feeling close to me and the lack of non-sexual intimacy.
 
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#32 ·
Your feelings are "hurt" because your wife isn't making eye contact and you "feel" she might be fantasizing about someone else?? Hey man, you're atleast having sex with your wife. Have you not browsed around TAM enough to see how much sex is NOT happening??

Some couples here are currently praying for what you are taking for granted.

Sent from my Dodge Ram SRT10
 
#34 · (Edited)
I think your feelings are normal and anyone would have them. We all like to think we are secure but experiencing a change that impacts your emotions is unsettling. This is a change from something you enjoyed so you naturally ask questions.

You may have approached it in a way that created more problems. But some good things are happening, right. It will take more time and work to recover.

It is possible that she is not fantasizing but concentrating. If things have been tense in the relationship, she may focus better by closing her eyes and shutting out worries.

If this were the case, would you be as upset? She is backed into a corner now because of the conflict and she is unlikely to give in by doing what you want at the present time.

I think @SimplyAmorous is spot on, try to improve things outside of the bedroom. Don't approach this closed eyes thing directly right now because I don't think you will get anywhere.

She did ask you to change some things and you did, but do only your fair share and don't overdo. Is there anything that has been bothering you about the relationship that you have not expressed? Not the closed eyes.
 
#35 ·
My wife has her eyes close 99% of the time. Meh.

It used to sort of bother me a while ago, and I mentioned it to her, semi-jokingly once. She also prefers doggy style over any other position and will just turn around most of the time.

Is she thinking of someone/something else? I don't know. I don't think so. Maybe it's just so she doesn't have to see the weird faces I make during sex.

I just think she's not a highly emotional person during sex, and that she doesn't require that connection you get when your eyes lock. Neither am I, TBH. My eyes are usually elsewhere.

But for the (long gone) OP (15 month old thread...) his wife used to make eye contact, and all of a sudden, she doesn't, and he noticed. I wouldn't suspect she's thinking of Raoul, the local swimming pool lifeguard, but more that she's not as connected to her husband as she was before.
 
#39 ·
Wow. I never realized so many people kept their eyes open. Are you gazing into each other's eyes? I find that very awkward. I don't keep them clenched shut but I don't maintain eye contact at all.

Well, that's your norm and when she varied from your norm you asked and you have addressed the other issues.

Her body is changing and what she likes may also change. I know mine has. What worked at 20 doesn't work now. I'm not sure why except child birth and perimenopause do make things work differently and feel differently.

It could be she's just having to concentrate on the feeling in certain areas and focus to achieve orgasm vs. it being easy before. I wouldn't assume it's fantasizing and even if it were, she isn't wishing you were that guy/girl - it's just a fantasy.
 
#42 ·
My wife is bisexual and closes her eyes when she wants to focus on her orgasm. I know she is thinking about her longtime girlfriend who is no longer in our life after 44 years and it does not bother me at all. Most times I am fantasizing about the same girl since we both loved her. My attitude is that fantasies are just that and I have never once fantasized about my wife, only our girlfriend. My wife has told me that she only fantasizes about women. That does not bother me either because I am the one she is with and having very intense orgasms with. At our age we both need a little help in getting over the hump. Our bodies are not what they used to be but our memories are still fresh in our mind.

I think it is fairly common for people to fantasize in bed. The only problem for you is that you are aware of it. I think a lot of people are aware that their partners may be fantasizing but some will encourage it by saying stuff like imagine that guy you saw today in bed with you or imagine that I am Tom Cruise but taller. Not every time do we need to only think of each other. It is good enough that we are with each other physically and not just a fantasy in each other's head.

The problem you face is that even if she is more subtle about it, you still will know that she fantasizes during sex. If it bothers you that much perhaps a therapist can help you two sort it out. Fantasizing is health as far as I know but like anything else, if taken to excess can become a problem. For you it is a problem. Find a solution.
 
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#46 ·
If I knew my wife was having a fantasy about another man while we were having sex I would see if I could play along and make the fantasy better. Wanna call me by a different name? Lets do it. Ill be whatever it takes to get her off. That includes dish washer and house keeper as well as sole bread winner.
Lol....I love this response....a man willing to join in on a fantasy and turn into a domestic god to enjoy sex with his wife :smile2:
 
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#44 ·
There's nothing wrong with fantasizing. I fantasize, but I imagine my husband sleeping with other women, other than me, when we have sex. Not all the time, but I like this fantasy. He knows I think this, and laughs, but we are open about things like this. Maybe you should just approach her in a casual way. If you approach her with an offended attitude, she might not want to share. There's nothing wrong with fantasizing though. (as long as it's not about an affair partners, obviously, etc)
 
#45 ·
in these cases where you share your fantasy, and the spouse likes it, it is an open invitation to you suggesting they take the fantasy one step further. Woman fantasizing about other men...ask if she wants to try a threesome. Woman fantasizing about another woman when you are getting laid, give her a hall pass to find a new GF. Just because we are getting old does NOT mean we are dead! There are a TON of sexual things still to try...but we DO get embarrassed to ask for them. A spouse needs to be more encouraging!
 
#47 ·
Ask her while you're doing it, ask her what's her fantasy. Then let her say it and share it. In a steady and strong voice ask, " what are you fantasizing about? Tell me baby, nothing will surprise me."
Then do not judge. Remember all the crazy depraved fantasies you have that would be embarrassing if anyone knew what you fantasize about so don't give any negative reaction to her even if it is really shocking.

If you just want for her stop fantasizing then just ask her to look you in the eyes while you are doing it which would be weird.
 
#50 ·
I have been married for 20 years together for 22 years. I love my wife dearly and I love her more tomorrow than I do today. We have always had a great life, marriage, and sex life. Before we met she was engaged to someone that she was with for 10 years. She left him as it didn't work out. 4 years later we met and got married. 2 kids and 22 years later; last June she found out through Facebook her Ex's sister past away. She was very distraught about the situation, and was contemplating going to the wake. I couldn't understand why she was so distraught as it has been almost 30 years. Don't get me wrong it's sad but to be as distraught as she was 30 years later I didn't pick up on it. A week or so later I came home from working nights and she was drunk. She asked me why I didn't answer her 4 phone calls as she needed me. Since I had no missed calls I looked in her recent calls on her phone an found a guy's number. When I asked her who it was she put her hands on her face and said OMG 4 times. That's when my life crashed. I went to bed not pushing the issue. That afternoon I woke up with her laying down next to me explaining it's her Ex and she just called him to say how sorry she was for his loss. Since her initial reaction of OMG yield a different answer I dug deep to later get an answer they've been talking for 2 weeks. It turns out she was in deep. Sexual thoughts, she kept explaining he was her fist love etc. When I asked her to shut it down she did. She said out of respect for our marriage she would not continue, however part of her still wanted to be friends with him.
I'm not an insecure person. I'm very confident in my self and what I've accomplished in life. I allowed her to be friends with him if that's all it would be. However it quickly turned sexual. I gave her the option for us to break up. She quickly shut it down and claimed it was a silly girl mistake, she never meant to hurt me, she loves me, they never met etc. She wants me and doesn't want to break up however I feel she's just not there. I have always been the more romantic type as where she is more the reserved type, but after 22 years I just don't feel here trying. When I try communicating she blows it off. I'm learning an emotional affair is more hurtful than a sexual one. Divorce is a hard thing to initiate and go through. I'm trying to salvage our love, but I feel I'm the only one trying. Any advice?
 
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