I agree with all that. Thing is - being "too nice" can kill a marriage. Let me define "too nice".
Lets say I were to tell my wife "I love you" 5 times a day. And lets say I noticed she never said it to me first. To me, that is a clear sign to ease up a little. There is a huge difference between being committed and being "needy". If I say something that often and am always saying it first there it is likely because I "NEED" to hear HER say "I love you" back. And that is a problem.
Being needy is a very unattractive trait, even more so in a man. So I always start out asking people what the love balance looks like. If one is constantly transmitting love, constantly initiating by words, or hugs, or actions love and doesn't give the other person the space to spontaneously and of their own free will - give it back - IME that creates havoc.
And I always tell people - back off - but when your partner does come to you embrace them. Don't play games and act indifferent. When they show love - show it back. But show some restraint if you are crowding them.
Originally Posted by Hunt Brown
I'm sorry, I thought I read the post pretty closely and I didn't see a statement that she cheated on him... but even so, yes.
affairs are the symptom of a failing marriage, rarely the cause. No one who ever stepped out on a spouse said "Dang, we were doing just great, I was happy, she was happy and then boom, that woman tripped me and hit the ground before I did. I didn't wanna cheat, but there you are."
forgiving someone is one of the powerful things a person can do, letting go of the self important, gratifing, pain that keeps us locked into the past and unable to see the future is not enabling or co-dependent. When we are strong in ourselves, we don't need to blame others.
And as long as we blame others, we don't have to look too hard at our contribution to the problem. And I've never seen a troubled relationship where one partner was pure good and the other pure evil... no mater how much opposites attract
That's not to say that I encourage enabling, or laying down and accepting abuse. If you are true to yourself, if you are going about the hard work of self improvement and growth, then you will come to a place where you can identify your boundries, ask respectfully that they be appreciated, and if they are not respected, come to the hard decisions that ensue with a clear heart.
Does that make any sense to you?