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He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

17K views 138 replies 24 participants last post by  fallen22 
#1 ·
It's been several months since I've been on the forum. Some on here may recognize me. My marital issues started to escalate back in September when my husband moved from our room to the guest room. Fast forward to December and I discover he'd had an affair. Right after Christmas I moved back home with my daughter because I had no where else to go, so we are separated, emotionally and psychically by 600 miles. I didn't want to leave, I told him I wanted to stay and work it out, he said he needed time and space to think so I left with our daughter and went back home to the northwest.

He's visited roughly once a month since I've been here. It's been five months since I left. Now it's gotten to the point where he doesn't speak to me at all unless it's to find out what time he can call our daughter. I don't want a divorce and I've told him so. He said he doesn't see any other solution, but we have not done everything possible to try and save our marriage. I can't move on, either with him or without him, without knowing we tried everything possible to fix this. I'm still in love with him. He says he loves me but isn't in love. I don't feel this is true, or if it is, that it isn't a permanent thing. I feel that he isn't in love with me all the time. That's understandable because I feel that way too sometimes. But I AM in love with him and I want to make our marriage work.

I had recently discovered he'd been inappropriate with numerous friends of mine, not sexually mind you, but just inappropriate for someone who's in a relationship. This had evidently been going on for about 11 of our 12 year relationship (married for almost 9 years now). He admitted to his family he ****ed up big time and doesn't think he can fix it. He tells them that but tells me he doesn't see any other way to fix this except with divorce but he's been threatening that with me for over a year! If he wanted a divorce he'd have filed by now and been done with it.

I don't want a divorce and I wont' file. Our daughter is heartbroken. I asked her if she ever had to choose who she'd want to live with between myself and her dad she said both. There was no hesitation whatsoever.

Any advice is appreciated. No rude or nasty comments please.
 
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#2 ·
He is actually being relatively decent for an admitted cheater. I would bet he took the affair under ground...OR he did end it and is ashamed, but knows he is not cut out and too flawed to watch your pain. He is allowing you to heal unfettered with his moral dysfunction.

If he is still in the affair he may want to end things with you before taking up with her officially. Maybe he wants you to be super nice in the divorce (i dont know) But if he is still involved in the affair its a safe bet that he would want a divorce.

Now if he is not maybe he actually gets he is narcissistic and too selfish to help you process his actions.

I hope i wasnt nasty...Things can get that way here. But read the advice and take what you need away. You dont need to agree.
 
#7 ·
They are separated by 600 miles so that has to be taken into account, he likely has a job he can't leave and other responsibilities. It was her who relocated causing it (she had nowhere else to go so I get it). I would bet the separation is very tough on him.

That said OP I feel for you, the feeling of loving someone and not having that returned, especially after years of being a family is worse than anything I can think of.
 
#5 ·
I am truly sorry this is happening to you.

If he doesn't file and you don't want to end the marriage, then wait it out. How are you dealing with finances?

Seeing your daughter once a month is not good for his relationship with her. He says he loves you but is not in love with you.

You know that's the speech. He loves you as a sister or a close relative. Is that good enough for you? He doesn't want to work on the marriage for whatever reason. You can't force that dear.

It has been 5 months. What is it that you want that is possible at this time?
 
#6 ·
Your playing the waiting game as many of us have done and it's usually the worst approach as many have learned the hard way. He has learned to live the single life. It's also rare the wayward files for divorce. He has no incentive to do it. You have tolerated the current situation so he has no reason to change his behaviors.

You want to try "everything", you can't because he doesn't want to. What he is telling your family is lip service as he has no willingness to address the problems.

You need to file, he won't and you need to start the clock on ending your own limbo. Either he will realize the marriage is worth trying to save or he wont. You not filing only let's him not make decisions, your not going anywhere so he doesn't need to.
 
#13 · (Edited)
I don't want to address each of you individually so I'll do my best so answer the unknown here. Yes, I still have access to OUR bank account. I use it rarely. I am working as an office manager for my cousins body shop. My family has helped me tremendously. Yes, he did ask me to leave. I had initially agreed it was for the best and a few days had passed and I told him I did not want to go, as I couldn't understand how we could fix anything if I did so. I have not been back to Nevada since I left in January.
@Bibi1031, what I want right now that is possible is to just try and be as happy as I can. I'm so tired of crying. Every time he'd come up for a visit I of course being so stinking weak and naive, wanted to be intimate with him because I miss him and love him terribly and every time he'd leave and go back to Nevada we'd fight terribly. It has gotten to the point where we barely speak. I mean like once a week we might speak, and it's just a few words. He doesn't contact me except to ask when he can call our daughter. That is it.
@knobcreek...yes I had no where else to go but back to Montana. I have no family anywhere else. I lived in Nevada with my husband because I am his wife and I of course go where he goes. He is an engineer and has absolutely no intentions of leaving his job, even though before I left to come to Montana he told me after we get this all sorted out we'd leave and never go back. So much for that I guess.

Yes, he still pays all the bills, I cover my student loans and other expenses here. I am living with my mom (yes, it sucks) but I had no where else to go. So I have no rent at the moment. I literally get sick at the thought of filing for divorce, but I almost feel like I have no other choice at this point. My cousin, who I mentioned I work for, has offered to take me to Nevada with his truck and trailer to get all of mine and my daughters things. Should that be done before or after filing for divorce, if in fact I can actually get myself to do it?

He told his dad he ****ed up royally and didn't know if he could still fix it, but then he tells me the exact opposite, such as "I'm done and I don't see what else to do than file for divorce". But he tells his family he wants it to work and misses his family. I have figured out right quick and in a hurry that he is a narcissist to the tee. I'm torn, it's not so easy to just walk away from a 12 year relationship and an almost 9 year marriage, especially with a 7 year old little girl who adores her father.
 
#15 ·
I have figured out right quick and in a hurry that he is a narcissist to the tee.
Fallen, I agree with @Bibi1031 that, if your H were a full-blown narcissist, he would be "incapable of true love towards you or his daughter." This is not what you're describing. On the contrary, you say he loves you but "he isn't in love with me all the time."

If you feel comfortable doing so, please tell us what his "inappropriate behavior" was with your female friends. You only say that it was nonsexual but it went on for 11 years.
 
#14 · (Edited)
If he is NPD then he is incapable of true love towards you or his daughter. You will need to hold him accountable I'm afraid. You need to file for divorce and get a good lawyer and lawyer up.

At least get the ball rolling, you don't have to go through with the divorce, but do this before you go and get your things in Nevada.

He is trying to play the nice guy in front of his family, but shows his true colors with you!

I'm sorry you have been deceived by him. Don't hesitate, run as far away from him as you can. You are of no use to him anymore. He will only hurt you.

Seek counseling for you and your precious little girl. Stay where you have support. I'm glad your mom is willing to have you there, but I'm sure she could use help with the bills and other things too. Make your husband accountable for HIS daughter's well being.
@Uptown is a great source in regards to PD. He can help you find resources when dealing with a spouse that is ill like yours.
 
#16 ·
@Uptown. I don't know if he's a full blown narcissist but he definitely is to some degree. He says he cares for me and will always love me but isn't in love with me.

He has been messaging my close friends for years, asking them relationship advice (which is fine, no harm there) but he has also asked them if he can send them photos of his penis to see if they think it is good enough and has asked them for photos in return. They had all refused and never said anything to me, especially after we married because they all thought everything was ok. Then I guess it had all started up again so they all started ignoring him. I found out that five more girls had been affected by this behavior as well, during our college years, which was not all that long ago. They never said anything to me because they didn't want to hurt me and all of them ceased contact with him.

He's lost almost everyone, including friends. His dad is unbelievably disappointed in him and his mom barely speaks to him. His sister is about all he has right now as far as I can tell because she is spun of the same tainted cloth as he is. She's a real piece of work I tell ya, but I'm not even gonna get into that mess.
 
#20 ·
You really need to work on yourself and quit being so co-dependent, it's not healthy in the least. I know, I was there and it took me many months to overcome it.

You've been in denial for long enough, why do you wish to continue down this lonely road? It's time to pick yourself up, dust off and get your life going in the right direction.

Read what you just wrote, do you really want him back? I mean seriously? That is a huge level of disrespect that he's been dealing out to you for a long time, like your whole life together.

This is a blessing in disguise, see it for what it really is, be in control.

Get out of this sad state you've found yourself in and go live life, you owe it to yourself. Go meet new people, take up some hobbies, have some fun!
 
#17 ·
Maybe he's telling his family what he thinks they want to hear. Maybe he wants you to file because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy. Who knows what he's thinking. But he's obviously not interested in working on your marriage now. Will he some day decide to work on it? Maybe. But who knows when or if that will ever happen. Meanwhile your life is on hold.

You have two choices: live in limbo (never a good place to be) or take charge of your life and move on.
 
#19 ·
Another thing -- he was obviously grooming your friends by asking for relationship advice which then led to asking if he could send penis pictures to see if it was good enough. Like he has any doubt it is. Shaking my head. All of that was obviously so he could advance to the next level with them. It would have been helpful had they told you then and maybe you wouldn't have married him but they didn't so all you can do is fix the situation that exists now.
 
#21 ·
I'm not financially stable. There's not much I can do right now except stay where I am. I am working yes, but it's for less than minimum wage. I make enough to pay my student loans and car payment.

I have hobbies but can't get into them like I used to. I'm bored with them. I love to travel but I don't have the means to do that right now.
@Openminded, no I don't want to stay in limbo, I've been there long enough. I'm the only one trying. He calls our daughter once a day (most times) and talks to her for just a few minutes. I listen to the conversations, and its the same thing over and over. It always ends with I love you so much, etc. She is 7. She has told him a few times she wants our family back together and that she wants me and him to work it out. All he says to her is I know, that's it. And that's his go to answer for everything.

Yes I do realize he could still be cheating but I don't think he is. I don't have that sick feeling in my gut like I did the firs time. But I could very well be wrong. God, I've thought of doing the the same thing just to get back at him but I couldn't live with the guilt. I'm terribly lonely, he's been by my side for 12 years and then one day he was just gone. It's worse than death.....

I'm told I should file for divorce and then I'm told no let him he wants this. I have no way of paying for a lawyer at this point, so unless he files I'm still stuck.
 
#23 ·
I'm not financially stable. There's not much I can do right now except stay where I am. I am working yes, but it's for less than minimum wage. I make enough to pay my student loans and car payment.

I have hobbies but can't get into them like I used to. I'm bored with them. I love to travel but I don't have the means to do that right now.

@Openminded, no I don't want to stay in limbo, I've been there long enough. I'm the only one trying. He calls our daughter once a day (most times) and talks to her for just a few minutes. I listen to the conversations, and its the same thing over and over. It always ends with I love you so much, etc. She is 7. She has told him a few times she wants our family back together and that she wants me and him to work it out. All he says to her is I know, that's it. And that's his go to answer for everything.

Yes I do realize he could still be cheating but I don't think he is. I don't have that sick feeling in my gut like I did the firs time. But I could very well be wrong. God, I've thought of doing the the same thing just to get back at him but I couldn't live with the guilt. I'm terribly lonely, he's been by my side for 12 years and then one day he was just gone. It's worse than death.....

I'm told I should file for divorce and then I'm told no let him he wants this. I have no way of paying for a lawyer at this point, so unless he files I'm still stuck.
In your original thread, that has since been deleted, you painted a different picture than what's contained in the information you now share. Unfortunately, you never really knew him, you had blinders on.

You are absolutely right on, with that ugly feeling of betrayal, it's the worst. But why not take advantage of it, let the old you die, and be reborn, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. It's only sad and gloomy if you let it, take control and become the best you, live life to it's fullest.

As Chuck Swindoll says, "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react." So fix your attitude, stop wasting time, look into getting a better job, starting a career. The opportunities are there waiting for you, you just have to pull yourself up and go find them. Get involved locally, meet new people, start new hobbies, read some self help books and just as important, fix your man picker. It's a tough pill to swallow knowing that he wasn't at all who you thought he was, I went through the same thing with my STBXW.

It'll get better, just keep swimming! :grin2:
 
#24 ·
I shared some of this information ya'll have shared with my MIL. She doesn't think the NPD fits him but I do and I have for a while. That being said, she still agrees wholeheartedly with me that he needs professional help and has ****ed everything up. I was no angle when our marriage first started, I had many problems. Hormonal imbalance, PPD, thyroid malfunction, etc. It took a toll on me and him and he hasn't been able to forgive me for it, even though they were all medically treatable once I got to the right doctor and mindset.

It's funny how I can forgive him for years of sneaking behind my back talking to friends in ways he shouldn't have been and having an affair but he continually brings up my past mistakes.....meh.
 
#26 ·
At this point, the WHY of his behavior is irrelevant. The facts are that he doesn't love you, respect you, or wish to be with you, and has done the ultimate betrayal of choosing other women over you. Time to take your dignity and your life back, and file. You do your child no favors staying married to a man like this. I understand you are struggling financially, but you can do this. (I have been there, done that) NO MAN is worth this.
 
#25 ·
Do you mean postpartum depression or Paranoid Personality Disorder?

It looks like you are getting into the anger stage. Try to use that to channel your progress forward. You need that anger to stop crying and wanting this man as he is right now.
 
#29 ·
@Bibi1031, I meant Post partum depression. And yes I am very angry. I'm also bitter. During lunch my daughter drew a picture in her fathers day card to him. When she was done and showed me I teared up. It was a drawing of the three of us and she said "It's our family".
@3Xnocharm, I know the why is irrelevant. No, I can't believe he doesn't love me. But it's not the same love it used to be. Do I believe he doesn't respect me or want to be with me, yes I do and that stings, but it is what it is. It's just a very hard pill to swallow, and it's even harder for me to try and explain it all to my daughter. I grew up without a father. My dad died when I was 10 and my mom never remarried. I feel like the garbage that gets tossed out every night, that my daughter and I have just been thrown away.
 
#30 ·
I feel like the garbage that gets tossed out every night, that my daughter and I have just been thrown away.
I am all too familiar with that feeling. My ex husband tossed me and my teenage daughter out of his house and moved his ex wife back in less than two weeks later. Talk about gut wrenching and life altering....If I can get through it, so can you. I know it feels like you cant, but you can, and you will.
 
#31 ·
1) Stop letting your daughter determine what you do with YOUR life. OF COURSE she wants you with her daddy. but her daddy is a sicko who sends other women pictures of his penis for chrissakes!!!
2) Stop acting like splitting up with him is the end of the world. IT'S NOT. He's a cheating lying ba$tard who does NOT deserve you. Or his child.
3) You can't believe he doesn't love you? What does he have to do to prove it to you? HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. If he did he'd be pleading with you to come home and he'd be doing everything in his power to make that happen. Is he doing that?? NO. He's telling you over and over and OVER that he doesn't WANT you. BELIEVE him.
4) By acting the way you're acting, you're teaching your daughter to be a trembling puddle of misery if a guy ever breaks up with her, and to plead and beg and debase herself to try and keep him. No matter what the cost to her emotional health and self respect.

You REALLY need to move on with your life WITHOUT him. Get yourself some therapy to improve your self image and make absolutely sure you don't EVER get involved with another guy until you've improved vastly in that area.
 
#32 ·
My ex-husband swore both times, when I was prepared to divorce him, that he loved me more than life. The first time I believed him. The second time I didn't and I finally divorced him. Which is what I should have done the first time. Because his actions said he didn't love me. And your husband's actions say he doesn't love you. Accept that and make a plan to move on. Otherwise, you'll be his doormat for the rest of the marriage. And he WILL continue to cheat. That will send a very bad message to your daughter and she will likely repeat it some day.
 
#34 ·
I am sorry his is throwing your illnesses back at you. He is a jerk regardless of whether he as a personality disorder or not. Some people are just jerks dear.:(
 
#35 ·
So,what's the plan?

You love him, he loves you..and you're separated. Now what?

Either you both get into MC or you file. I'm not exactly sure what the dilemma here is. What you're doing is treading water. At some point, you have to swim to shore..on either side.

As an aside, you say you're still in love with him, yet list incidents and behaviors that any sane person wouldn't love..actually, probably wouldn't even tolerate. Could it be that you cannot admit to yourself that whatever it once was that you might have actually loved is no gone, perhaps forever?

Consider therapy for yourself too.
 
#36 · (Edited)
I just to be clear to everyone, I've been in therapy for five months. All its done is help my confidence and self image.
@Hope1964, it's hard to throw away someone you love. This isn't easy for me, you must get that I'm sure. I'm 30 years old and met him my senior year of high school. This isn't easy. I took the initiative to see a secular therapist and they've helped with what I mentioned above. I can't afford any other type of therapy. Marriages can recover from infidelity and I'm not the type to just give up on a person. I have stood up for myself and have put him in his place. He's not taken it well. I've been very confrontational with him and have not let him walk all over me anymore. That being said, he is a man I married because I LOVE him, and I am the only one here who knows him. He did a 180 when we moved from Arizona to Nevada and everyone who knows him saw it. I'm not making excuses for him, I no longer do that. I'm just trying to fill in some blanks. I am a loyal, loving woman who refuses to give up on a person until absolutely pushed over the edge. I haven't been pushed to that point yet. Maybe that makes me foolish or maybe it means I'm stronger than the average woman, or maybe it's both.
@honcho, no I don't have many assets or much income. I live in a town of 650 people, good paying jobs are hard to come by here and I'm thankful for the opportunity my cousin gave me to be his office manager. I'm saving as much as I can so I can get back on my feet.
@Unicus, yes I've thought that what we once had is gone, because I know it is. Something new could be born from this if he'd let it, but only time will tell. Right now it doesn't look good but you never know.
 
#37 ·
I just to be clear to everyone, I've been in therapy for five months. All its done is help my confidence and self image.
That's a good thing. That is IC. You are not in marriage counseling. You are technically separated and living in limbo.:(

I hope you find your way to being happy again. No one deserves living on hold...that is what limbo is. You can't get that time back.
 
#41 ·
I laid in bed last night thinking about how ALL of my belongings are in that house in Nevada. Literally everything of mine is there, even my two cats. He sleeps in my bed every night, goes into a closet thats full of my clothes and shoes, makes meals in a kitchen full of my kitchen gadgets, etc. It makes me sick.....and genuinely pissed off.
@Slow Hand, what do you mean I've become stronger at being a doormat?
@Unicus, my therapists are secular in nature. It's helped to some degree but only with my self esteem. I feel that going back at this point isn't going to do me any good.
 
#45 ·
Look, I don't mean to be rude or insensitive, but I've been there. How long has it been since D day? It doesn't appear as though you've made much progress, if any at all. You let him use you, while he was visiting, and you still want him back. You are simply not in your right mind, you should never let anyone disrespect you, like your husband has, and continues to do. He's made it clear, that he doesn't want to get back together, let him go, believe him!

It's high time you pick yourself up off the floor and do something about it. Stop making excuses and fight for your rights, this is not on you and you have no obligation to anyone but yourself. Would you really want your daughter growing up in this type of situation? Do you really think he can change, when it's obvious, you never really knew him?

Just be careful, guard your heart, when he see's the new you, he may try to get back together with you. Will you be strong enough to spurn his advances? Or will you cave in and become a doormat once again? There's a whole new world waiting out there for you, seize the moment and do what you know is right, file for divorce and move on.


Infidelity feels like intense hate that is meant to agonizingly carve the love right out of your heart. A sadistic and vengeful way to say, "I despise you like no other person on earth." It is the combination of evil and hate that rips at your heart, spitting a venom of condemnation, from someone who feels like the devil; only this time the devil is wearing your spouses face. From an enemy you may expect such ruthlessness, but not from your spouse. It is the ultimate rejection of your very being from the person who knows you the most. It is horror that terrorizes every moment of your life as it kills your dreams of what your life is, was, and will be. The shock of the assault feels no different than if your spouse plunged a knife deep into your heart, while you let out a bloodcurdling scream of destruction to your self-esteem and safety. It is mocking of your love, a statement of reprisal. The confusion so overwhelming and dismaying - How could this person who claimed to love you, dispose of your affections so ruthlessly, tearing them from your heart one vicious and bloody slash after another. Once the extraction is complete, leering at your anguish, as if now, you understand their disgust for you; sneering with achievement as you accept their hatred. No respect is given to the gift of commitment upheld by you. It is implied as burdensome and irritating.

Read more at: Infidelity is traumatic, but it is not your fault. Staying or leaving after an affair.
Copyright © www.healingafteraffiars-bloomington.info
 
#42 ·
You want to wait for him and hope for a miracle. That is not going to happen. He is too far gone from you emotionally, he will not turn back.

You are in his past now. He has been honest with you. You don't want that honesty. You want more lies!

Stop that! You are only prolonging the inevitable. Move on even if it's kicking ans screaming every inch of the way there. It's the only card left on the deck for you. No reconciliation card has ever been offered because it is not in your deck of cards.

Let it go, or keep living in sucky limbo!

Those are your two options. You have no others. Your can't wrap around the idea that he left everything. You can't, he already has not only left you physically but emotionally much longer than that.

Your head is messed up. It doesn't correlate with your feelings. That is going to take time, apparently a long time for you. That doesn't mean your logic is correct. It can't be because you didn't cause this; he did.

You can't fix it because you didn't break it. It's over, you need to listen to others that have been in your shoes. Most WS don't seek reconciliation because they cheated thinking they no longer loved their spouse. They are probably right. They were just not honest until they had set a nest elsewhere.

Believe statistics...they are not in your favor. Your marriage is a casualty of infidelity...not the exception!
 
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#44 ·
You would never leave him. Your head cannot accept this fact that HE CAN. I was the same way.

I filed for divorce and let my husband go because I saw the pattern in his other brothers. That is why I did it, but not because my head believed it. I still can't wrap my head around it at times and it has been almost 14 years! The patterns and the statistics didn't lie; my head, my gut and my emotions did!

Some of us take our marriage vows to the grave, others don't. I would of stayed with my X through thick or thin regardless of the temptations thrown my way. My moral compass was firm and unwavering.

I WAS (being the operative word here) because it ain't that way anymore. I am a royal mess. After two failed marriages and the worst one not being the infidelity one but the abusive one...the damage has been done and the clock can't be turned.:(

I'm glad you asked for clarification. I sometimes think people perceive what I am trying to convey and that is most certainly not so.:smile2:
 
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#46 ·
I have experienced an 18 year, 14 years married relationship falling apart just like you have. It involved infidelity just as yours did. It still bothers me terribly even though it's been a couple of years.

It hurts to have the person you love reject you. You feel helpless-- you are. But only regarding their love for you.
You feel like their live can't just evaporate--- it has.
You feel like the love they have for you is there, it's just deep below the surface--- it's not and likely never was there as it should have been, hence the years of inappropriate behavior you've learned about.

Your self esteem is gone, you feel unlovable, old, and unwanted. It hurts. You don't want to let go of your dreams of a happy family that are do important to you, and nonexistent for him.

Here's what you must do. You don't have a choice in this if you want to be happy again.

Divorce him. Live as best as you can and learn to be happy again on your own. Stop thinking about him. Force yourself. It will get easier when you accept he's gone. Acceptance is the first step to healing. Find hobbies or just do things you've always enjoyed or wanted to do.
When you're happy and over him, consider dating. Yes, regardless of what you look like or think you look like, or how old you are, there are LOTS of people out there that will find you attractive, and you them. When you're ready and you meet the right one, things will come easy. If it's not easy, send them on their way. Things should at least be easy at first. When you find someone you like, you will stop thinking about your ex and you will begin to see him for what he really is, when you do think about him.
This is not your fault, and you can't fix it. But you can be happy again, and you will likely love the next person that actually loves you back much more than this disloyal jerk you are currently letting your life get ruined by.

Please don't think you can't get over this. You can. It's not easy, but you can----if you start moving in the right direction instead of stagnating where you are because if inaction.

I wish you luck, strength, and future happiness.
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