I agree with the post below with one big caveat. If you are "over loving" her you WILL kill her desire for you. Nothing smothers the flames faster than a lack of oxygen.
The best test of this is simply to ask her a few questions:
- Do you think I treat you well?
- Are there any specific things I am doing that are bothering you? (She may say - pestering her for sex) - just listen don't argue
If she says you DO treat her well you likely ARE over loving her. The solution to that is to focus on being fun / upbeat etc. when together but stop all the loving gestures. Let her come to you. Stop with the touching, hugs, requests for sex. Stop saying ILY so much.
Spend less time at home and more time at the gym.
Forget about sex for a while and keep ratcheting back until the point where when you walk in from work end of day she gives you a big smile and a big hug. Until you are THERE focusing on sex is counterproductive.
Originally Posted by Tanelornpete
synonimous - I've been following your posts for some time, and it seems to me that you are missing some important points.
Thing's I've noticed: you are almost obsessed with sex, as if that will solve the troubles in your marriage. Your wife asks you why you are so focused on that portion and you tell her you aren't - but nearly every post on your threads either are directly related to, or hint at this particular issue.
Another issue: you minimize your part in your marital problems - and you miss a HUGE part of the trouble: you tell your wife that you weren't aware of any troubles in your marriage, and that the affair pretty much hit you by surprise. That's most of the key to solving the troubles in your marriage right there! It's also quite common for this to happen - not singling you out.
Also, you say you read up on affairs a lot - but it seems to me that what you are doing is gleaning through them to find proofs for some presuppositions you already have. This particular thread is indicative: you found a survey from a behavioralist viewpoint tat claims the honeymoon phase is 'designed' (a contradictory flaw in behaviorism) to increase the chances of the species propagating. Because you are looking for ways to have sex, you suppose that if you can just put some distance for a while between you two, that she will be ready to have sex when you come back.
The point you are missing is this: sex for most women is a response to feeling wanted, understood, and safe. It is not the primary cause of the relationship - it is a result of the relationship.
I suggest that if you want to have some quality intimacy with your wife that you take the time to create the relationship first.
This means taking the time to do the work necessary. Your marriage was damaged long before the affair took place (it was the result of finding an improper means of solving the trouble). Until you find the trouble, work through the pain it caused, and begin to do things in an entirely different way, I am quite afraid that all your wife will see out of you is someone who wants to get laid via extortion. Not a romantic thing - and certainly damaging to your marriage.
While your wife's affair was wrong, and her responsibility, you spending your time furious at her, wanting her to make up for all the pain she cause you and reveling in being the innocent victim in all this is equivalent to someone spending hours being furious at the ground for hurting them after they fell off the roof. Instead of analyzing the situation - 'oh - gotta be more careful on the roof' - the person spends all their time and energy cursing the ground for being hard and causing pain. What happens next time they are on the roof? Unless they figure out what happened - it is due to happen again. Their anger was pointless in that it led nowhere...