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Originally Posted by Tanelornpete  It's very good news that your wife sees changes - hopefully they are positive ones! Humor aside, in most cases, it takes some time for someone who has been hurt (or at least perceived they were hurt) in the past to trust that the changes they see are permanent - you've only been at this a very short time. Patience is something that is way too underrated. |
A few weeks before Dday is when the changes started to take place. So it's been just under 2 months since I've started to play a better role as husband. She had said a week or so bad after a fight, talking through tears, that she wasn't sure this was just a 'now' thing or whether I would go back to my old ways. I can see how she may think that. I wish she could see how she may think that when she's 30 minutes late coming home that I may think she's doing something not so good...
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Originally Posted by Tanelornpete Presumptions in marriage almost always spell disaster. The way to keep a marriage healthy is to live deliberately, all the time. It takes a lot of work, but the joy of such a marriage is worth it all. That means that you most likely will always be checking up with your spouse from time to time to see how things are going. My wife (affaircare) and I did over the weekend - there was a problem that was not being addressed, and we worked through it. |
This is something we've both learned. I hope we can apply this to our future together.
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Originally Posted by Tanelornpete I think you've figured this out a bit here: First, there is no guarantee that making someone feel good in bed will translate into 'I love how he listens to me when I am upset about things and need a shoulder to cry on.' A hooker can make you feel very good in bed, but you may not want to hang around later. There is a great deal more to marriage than good sex. It should be the natural result of a strong marriage, not the cause of one: if that were the case, what happens as age kicks in and your sex drive diminishes? End of marriage? |
When age kicks in and both libido's go down I would assume that sex would be more infrequent but I'm 32 NOW. I would love for my wife to want sex. After sex we always have some of our more pleasant conversations and it's also about the only time she'll ever take a nap during the day and not be upset that she slept away part of her day. It's the lead up, the doing it and the after talk, cuddling, napping that is all fun. A part of me is still thinking "If you could so easily get naked for THAT person why is it so hard to get naked with me, your husband." And it makes me angry, like I'm a used toy that no longer does it for her. It may not be the case at all, but I can't get beyond these feelings, not so soon after dday I suppose.
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Originally Posted by Tanelornpete Again, I'd like to point out that it may be that YOU think you are doing things right, and she may be waiting for something completely different. Regardless: how were these resolved? Has this resolution only been is play since D-Day? |
Before D-Day she mentioned she was needed time. I interpreted this as being unhappy and I was right. At the time she said she wasn't. So, I did what I could to make it so that she could come home and have some time to herself. After D-Day I told her time was up (I was angry as hell). In the first few days she wasn't completely open, then she started opening up. I made those changes as they came out. Her biggest issue was my health. I decided to put powerlifting to the side and focus on pure weight-loss (Which also means muscle loss). She thought it was an unhealthy way to eat and while I disagreed I never thought it was that much of a concern for her. Powerlifting is great, but I could use that time to do other stuff and it would be nice to fit into some smaller clothes without them being tight all over. The weight-loss also has to be done properly since a poor diet would result in just muscle loss and little fat...making me unhealthy.) The issues, the one that she has brought up, have all been addressed and she has said "I see the changes and I see how hard you are trying."
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Originally Posted by Tanelornpete A hint: if you find a counselor that does NOT give you work to do at home you are wasting your time. That counselor is a scam artist that simply makes money off of sitting in an office while people talk near him/her - and charges lots of money for it. |
In this country, counseling isn't a big area of practice. I see a psychologist today and his office will give me more information when I see him. They didn't have any information on hand when I was there a few weeks back simply because it wasn't something they had ever needed to look into.
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Originally Posted by Tanelornpete |
I will take a look at these. I've asked her if she wanted to some of these types of things but she's still not ready. She feels 'lost' and 'broken' and thinks that only she can put all the pieces together, with time. She says "Yes, I can work on the marriage but you have to stop pushing me." And by pushing she means of me asking "Do you want to do something that will help our marriage? Some couples homework?" I guess that's pushing for her right now.
