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Online hall pass

6K views 28 replies 19 participants last post by  peacem 
#1 ·
I'm a little confused here. Let me start by saying I'm a high sex drive guy married to a low, very low sex drive woman. I love her tremendously and have for over 25 years. My wife has tried to match my desires but I've come to the conclusion she can't change anymore than I can. The problem is I'm always pestering her for sex and in ways she's uncomfortable with.this has resulted in many fights over the years.
A while back I met a person online in the in the same boat. We can chat about our frustrations and desires freely without being judged. I don't know their name, where they live work etc. The problem is it's a woman I've been chatting with. Feeling guilty I told my wife about the chats, offered to let her read them, she already has my password. Thinking she would not approve she instead said she trusts me and understands. She went on to say if it satisfies my dirty desires and we keep it anonymous and if it keeps her off the hook for naughty sex she's ok with it.
By definition this could be an emotional affair but my question is can this be healthy for my marriage or will this ultimately be bad?
BTW she said she has no interest in reading the chats and don't feel like I need to discuss them with her

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#2 ·
It sounds as if permission is granted to have an open EA for satisfying the sexual desires you are missing in your relationship... but can it stay there healthily is the question. If you choose to go this way and get emotionally embedded in such and she does have problems, you will possible struggle releasing yourself from it in which you open yourself to lies and deceit to continue... there is nothing healthy about this.

It's a rabbit hole you are going down and reasonable to see once you start this path getting lost will become easy... I think your wife sees the lesser of two evils here, arguing .vs you expressing your frustration elsewhere without seeing the dangers of becoming emotionally dependent on someone other than her.

This will cause more suffering that you can see... sharing this with another is a very bad path.
 
#3 ·
If your wife is okay with it, you can stay within the boundaries she has set, and it lessens your frustration, then all is good. However, if it increases your frustration or further highlights what you're missing in your marriage, then you should stop.
 
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#4 ·
The problem EB is she doesn't want me sharing these things with her, I've had to bottle them up for years which leads to frustration and resentment. If only she would be open to this area in my life, i wouldn't be here.

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#5 ·
Are you totally 100% sure you're corresponding with a woman? There are all kinds of oddballs out there pretending to be women or pretending to be something very different from what they are.

Anyhow, yes I think this is very dangerous to your marriage. You will develop an emotional attachment to this other person, and it will take away attachment to your wife. Since your issue is sex drive not emotional attachment to your wife, I don't see this as really solving your problem while it at the same time is introducing a very dangerous emotional threat to your marriage.
 
#6 · (Edited)
Since your issue is sex drive not emotional attachment to your wife, I don't see this as really solving your problem while it at the same time is introducing a very dangerous emotional threat to your marriage.
This^^^^.

@Thor is right. How is an online EA going to help with lack of physical sex? Do you plan to up the EA by you j***ing off during the text or email exchanges? Then you will need to up the thrill by exchanging real names - initially only your first names. Then it will escalate. You will not be able to contain it.

Three acceptable choices:
1) Divorce
2) Anti-depressant to lower the libido
3) Just accept it.

That is pretty much it.
 
#7 · (Edited)
I fear for you peterrabbit my friend, should you least turn into Br'er Rabbit and this is your Tar-Baby... that she doesn't want to hear it anymore may be she is simply saturated with the situation.

I too am in the same place with LD/HD as you many years... well over 12 now. I could easily share it every 1-2 days and her 1-2 weeks, but there are a lot of factors in that. I am not aware of your ages nor your intimate frequency but both require a balance... if I wanted greater distance I would harass and complain, if I wanted closer and more quality I would not transfer my frustration to her but build a more productive outlet to not let it master me while sharing the love and desire in subtle ways.

I flirt with my wife daily... not obnoxious or crude statements or actions, but gentle reminders that last the week so that come the weekend, it has been transferred to her mind and I may be as quickly invited in as often as I invite.

Come to think of it, this is but one of areas that lead an introduction of understanding, I am still learning a decade later to master much more.
 
#8 ·
Peter, I'm one of those who really doesn't indulge much...or put much stock in... in psychobabble... b/c I've come to realize that it's just a way to justify one's behavior by somehow "Normalizing" it with a catchy yet totally ineffective adjective. So, for me, there's no such thing as an "Emotional affair". You're either faithful to your wife (and therefore yourself) or you're not. If you and she can't resolve the sexual desire discrepancy and you've given yourself permission to relieve yourself with a like minded person ANYWHERE then you're not being faithful. To put a finer point on it, you could easily gratify yourself and take care of those needs, no other person required, thru masturbation. Yours isn't just about sex drive, it's about the emotions that accompany rejection. The danger is that you're not just addressing your sexual drive with this other person, you're engaging in a highly personal dialogue which by definition stirs emotion..which should be btwn you and your W.. Uh, oh...

I think you and your W need to discuss the emotional part of your unmet sexual needs and see if the two of you can come up with some other way of dealing with it, what you've got isn't working, and your plan here..with or without her knowledge..isn't going to address the underlying issues, and is actually playing with fire.

If you need to "Just talk" with a like minded person about your feelings, please, find a good psychologist. It's much safer to explore those feelings there, and instead of some vanilla support that comes from an online stranger you can sorta identify with, you might be able to actually come up with strategies to fix the real problem.
 
#10 ·
I guess in my mind, obviously trying to justify this, how does this differ from viewing porn ,reading erotic books, talking to guys about sex or going to strip clubs? If boundaries are set and identified, anonymity is maintained, and it's revealed to my spouse, is there a difference? Most people at one time or the other fantasize about someone other than their spouse to boost their sexual excitement, isn't this wrong too?

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#11 · (Edited)
IDK, I don't do porn or read erotic books or go to strip clubs. And my guy talk to limited to which women we think are hot and would sleep with (theoretical only).

" If boundaries are set and identified" Ha. You sound just like last month's thread on this topic. Too bad you missed that one.

You are making a fantasy into a reality.

And yes, if when you are screwing your wife but thinking about the young hot blonde coworker in order to boost your sexual excitement, that is wrong too.

My initial reaction is that your thread is so far out there you must be a troll, but we have seen this type of post before, so I do not think you are a troll. That is unfortunate for your wife.

ETA: BTW, if you had an EA, you would know how destructive they are, even without the sex.
 
#20 · (Edited)
The warnings about where this might lead are worthwhile and should be heeded. You will have to exercise more than just a little bit of extra caution here - but as long as your spouse is kept as fully informed as she wishes and is on-board, you don't need our permission.

If at the end of the day you're both happier with this new arrangement, who are we to tell you it's wrong?
 
#23 ·
... she instead said she trusts me and understands. She went on to say if it satisfies my dirty desires and we keep it anonymous and if it keeps her off the hook for naughty sex she's ok with it.
and there's the problem. instead of working with you to come up with some sort of compromise for a good sex life within your marriage, she basically told you to jerk off to this woman and "keep her off the hook".
 
#28 ·
This ^

Never mind what you're doing, worry about the fact that she's ALLOWING you to do it. That's telling of your marriage, right there, as well as her true feelings for you.

Years and years ago, my ex wife blindsided me by saying I can go get oral sex from other women - and she meant it. There was nothing "trappy" about it. (long story, but she had TMJ, jaw issues, and could not perform oral sex on me. I literally never even complained about it. So I was not sure where it even came from).

Well, guess what? This was during the beginning part of her affair, which eventually ended our marriage. At the time, I had no idea of course, but in retrospect, the timelines matched up well. It came at a time where she no longer gave a crap about such things, even though we were still having sex. But when you disconnect from somebody, as she did, there is no longer even a tiny bit of jealousy - she just didn't care. It was also some sort of justification for what she was embarking on.

I am not AT ALL suggesting OP's wife is having an affair, but she HAS disconnected from him.
 
#25 ·
In the beginning we were pretty much inline on sex drive. But after our children were born she began to change. Her attitude is do whatever you need to do just don't bother me with it. She still allows me have sex with her but i need not expect her to get excited which leads to an emotional disconnect even in a passionate moment. I love my wife dearly but I'm tired of waiting for her to change in this area. Every other area of our relationship is great just not where sex is involved. We've been down the doctor route but no change. I know this is a dangerous and taboo topic, that's why I'm sounding it here. I thank everyone for the thought provoking responses.

Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk
 
#27 · (Edited)
I think this is one of those things where she says it's ok...but it's really NOT ok. She'll use this one day to say that you're having an EA. This is definitely a path that you don't want to go down.
 
#29 ·
I have a different take on this. It may be very bad advice but...on the caveat you are completely open and honest with your wife it may be a very healthy thing. The problem is you haven't really given any real details as to how the relationship with the online woman is shaped. So whether it is healthy for your marriage or not I would say 'it depends!'. It depends on your own responses to this situation (are you someone who easily gets caught up or obsessive? Or are you someone who can easily compartmentalise and detach themselves when needed?). It depends on where she physically lives (does she live on another continent or country where there is little chance of a physical relationship developing?).

If you are talking about sex and sexuality with your online friend then I actually consider that a healthy thing if all parties are happy. If you are having an EA with this woman then you will find it very difficult to spend time away from her - it is more than just sex talk. Why not try a period of not contacting her and see how it feels? If that is a difficult thing for you to do then you should consider your own ability to detach when needed and proceed with caution.

Nobody can judge you with the very little information you have given.
 
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