 Re: How to tell the kids?
I guess my question is this: Why are you the one moving out? If she's being unfaithful and choosing others above you, put her out. And if you moving is somewhat more convenient, why would you leave your children with a spouse who's dishonest and untrustworthy?
I'm not trying to get you to utterly change all your plans in one or two days but rather reconsider your way of thinking. Even though they are older, they are still children and don't have the emotional tools you do to deal with this. Now all-in-all it sounds like your idea to move out and enforce your boundary is a fine idea--but I'd challenge you to take the kids with you. Don't just leave them with an adulterous spouse.
YOU would then be at your new place, enforcing your boundary of a faithful spouse or nothing (not accepting less) but meanwhile they would be with her and even optimistically her version of answers is FAR from the truth! She is a disloyal spouse in the foggy-dizziness of an affair! That means everything is your fault, you're to blame, and the reason she is justified in her cheating is because she's totally re-written history to make you the bad guy. THAT is what the kids would be living with!
Thus if you're set to move out, I would AT MINIMUM also set it up so that the kids are with you 3-4 days a week. Honestly the ideal thing would be for you and the kids to stay home (I mean seriously--you and the kids didn't leave the marriage, why should you have to leave your home, your beds, your neighborhood, etc.) and have her leave. But if she's stubborn...okay you move but take those kids with you!
And yeah it may be hard to have them with you and juggle all those schedules and things...but single parents do that and you can do it too! You're kids mean more to you than to leave them to the influence of an adulterer who's so addicted to their affair they are willing to throw away their family!!
Regarding telling the kids--your children are not infants or even young anymore. I would tell them the truth without demonizing their mother. Something like this would work:
"I'm moving out and separating from your mother because although I love her very much and want to work out our marital difficulties together, she's had more than one affair and that doesn't work for me. I've asked her to stop and I have proof it's more than a friendship and she refuses. As soon as she ends her infidelity I'd LOVE to reunite, but I will not accept emotional attachment to other men because our vows were for 100% off our affection and loyalty ONLY FOR EACH OTHER. She has given both to another man and I will no longer have that in my life. Now I know this hurts and confuses you, and I want you to be sure you understand I love you DEEPLY and would not have this as an example of a healthy relationship for you. I will be in your life and you will be in mine--in fact I have a room just for you at my new place. This is not about you except that I would like you to see that a healthy, loving marriage does not include third parties."
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