Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

MKIV · 07-14-2010, 01:32 PM

Well, I had a nice long post written up, but when I tried to submit it, realized I wasn't logged in and lost the whole thing. I'll try to abbreviate this time around...
My wife of 6 years recently told me that she simply doesn't love me any longer. She was packing the following day, and had her apartment rented the following week. But in the midst of all this, she told me that she'd like for us to date again (each other, exclusively) in order to see if she's able to rekindle the spark. This was all quite a shock, since we'd gone through a rough patch a few months earlier and emerged, in my eyes, as much stronger and more loving than we'd been previously.
This is my second marriage - the first was doomed from the outset, having gotten married for the wrong reasons. My ex found a better match about 6 months prior to leaving, the rest is history. We share joint custody of our daughter, who is absolutely the most important person in my life.
I remained single for two years before meeting my current wife. I'm very particular about the people that I allow in to my life given that my daughter is a HUGE consideration. My current wife and I met under nearly perfect circumstances. This sounds cheesy, but it was very nearly something you'd expect to see in a sappy chick-flick, lol. She met my daughter first, and immediately fell for her. She's heard about me through a friend of mine (her cousin), and when we finally met, it was about as perfect as could be. Everything flowed. Same interests, similar plans for the future...
We dated for a year before I proposed, and were married within a few weeks of the engagement.
We don't drink often - maybe a few times a year - and I rarely drink enough to get more than a little buzz. My wife, on the other hand, almost always drinks to excess. And this is when I found out that she wasn't as happy with things as I thought. And that's where things began to go south. She brought things up that she'd never uttered a peep about previously - a joke she took wrong, or the fact that I left a glass on the night stand for a few days... Mostly stuff regarding housework, which, interestingly enough, was mostly my responsibility. Laundry was the only task she didn't absolutely hate - nearly everything else was mine. We both work full time, I dislike doing laundry above all else, so I figured it was a fair trade. I cook, do most of the cleaning, and took care of nearly all the yardwork. But when she drank, she was relentless. She became critical of my parenting (my daughter is well adjusted, sweet, smart, and loving), my driving (she didn't drive up until a year ago), she became unhappy with hearing about my work day, good or bad, etc... And all this, typically, only when she injected herself with liquid courage. This was always done through tears - sloppy, drunk tears. Very Jekyl and Hyde. Sober, she's about as sweet and kind a person you'd ever meet.
Luckily, this really only took place when she wa drinking, which may be two or three times a year. I corrected nearly everything she mentioned as being a problem. It became evident, however, that despite having been brought up in a tight-knit, strong Christian family, that she lacked the ability to forgive. When things became heated, she'd bring things up that happened YEARS earlier. I didn't change fast enough, or she'd just remember something I said to her or someone else that didn't sit right in her mind.
So yes, I realize that she is an alcoholic, even though she may only drink a few times a year. It's almost always in excess. After the first episode, I told her we weren't drinking any more (even though I'm able to drink without going overboard), but she came home drunk from a work party one night and I had the pleasure of reliving everything over again. I'd get over it and move on - she didn't want me to dwell on it. But she got upset if I even pretended to forget the topics.
Here we are, it's been two months. I'm trying to figure out if I'll be able to trust her again. She's not a cheater - there's no other guy - that's not where the "trust" issue lies. Will she leave again in a few years? This is happening to my daughter and I, not just me. I love my wife. My daughter loves her. The first few weeks, there was no question in my mind that this was worth fighting for - the vast majority of the relationship that is/was great. But I've realized that I'm simply not sure. We spent a few nights a week together, and for the most part, it's great. But she's really enjoying living her single life. Her coworkers have no idea were trying to work things out, and I don't think she's told her family, either. I take this as a HUGE slap to the face. If she's as serious about starting over, why would she have to hide it?
Jeez - I know I said this would be the "abbreviated" version. Sorry! There is more to the story, but I'll cut it off right there for the moment.

07-14-2010, 01:32 PM	#1 (permalink)
MKIV Registered User Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 1	Confused... Well, I had a nice long post written up, but when I tried to submit it, realized I wasn't logged in and lost the whole thing. I'll try to abbreviate this time around... My wife of 6 years recently told me that she simply doesn't love me any longer. She was packing the following day, and had her apartment rented the following week. But in the midst of all this, she told me that she'd like for us to date again (each other, exclusively) in order to see if she's able to rekindle the spark. This was all quite a shock, since we'd gone through a rough patch a few months earlier and emerged, in my eyes, as much stronger and more loving than we'd been previously. This is my second marriage - the first was doomed from the outset, having gotten married for the wrong reasons. My ex found a better match about 6 months prior to leaving, the rest is history. We share joint custody of our daughter, who is absolutely the most important person in my life. I remained single for two years before meeting my current wife. I'm very particular about the people that I allow in to my life given that my daughter is a HUGE consideration. My current wife and I met under nearly perfect circumstances. This sounds cheesy, but it was very nearly something you'd expect to see in a sappy chick-flick, lol. She met my daughter first, and immediately fell for her. She's heard about me through a friend of mine (her cousin), and when we finally met, it was about as perfect as could be. Everything flowed. Same interests, similar plans for the future... We dated for a year before I proposed, and were married within a few weeks of the engagement. We don't drink often - maybe a few times a year - and I rarely drink enough to get more than a little buzz. My wife, on the other hand, almost always drinks to excess. And this is when I found out that she wasn't as happy with things as I thought. And that's where things began to go south. She brought things up that she'd never uttered a peep about previously - a joke she took wrong, or the fact that I left a glass on the night stand for a few days... Mostly stuff regarding housework, which, interestingly enough, was mostly my responsibility. Laundry was the only task she didn't absolutely hate - nearly everything else was mine. We both work full time, I dislike doing laundry above all else, so I figured it was a fair trade. I cook, do most of the cleaning, and took care of nearly all the yardwork. But when she drank, she was relentless. She became critical of my parenting (my daughter is well adjusted, sweet, smart, and loving), my driving (she didn't drive up until a year ago), she became unhappy with hearing about my work day, good or bad, etc... And all this, typically, only when she injected herself with liquid courage. This was always done through tears - sloppy, drunk tears. Very Jekyl and Hyde. Sober, she's about as sweet and kind a person you'd ever meet. Luckily, this really only took place when she wa drinking, which may be two or three times a year. I corrected nearly everything she mentioned as being a problem. It became evident, however, that despite having been brought up in a tight-knit, strong Christian family, that she lacked the ability to forgive. When things became heated, she'd bring things up that happened YEARS earlier. I didn't change fast enough, or she'd just remember something I said to her or someone else that didn't sit right in her mind. So yes, I realize that she is an alcoholic, even though she may only drink a few times a year. It's almost always in excess. After the first episode, I told her we weren't drinking any more (even though I'm able to drink without going overboard), but she came home drunk from a work party one night and I had the pleasure of reliving everything over again. I'd get over it and move on - she didn't want me to dwell on it. But she got upset if I even pretended to forget the topics. Here we are, it's been two months. I'm trying to figure out if I'll be able to trust her again. She's not a cheater - there's no other guy - that's not where the "trust" issue lies. Will she leave again in a few years? This is happening to my daughter and I, not just me. I love my wife. My daughter loves her. The first few weeks, there was no question in my mind that this was worth fighting for - the vast majority of the relationship that is/was great. But I've realized that I'm simply not sure. We spent a few nights a week together, and for the most part, it's great. But she's really enjoying living her single life. Her coworkers have no idea were trying to work things out, and I don't think she's told her family, either. I take this as a HUGE slap to the face. If she's as serious about starting over, why would she have to hide it? Jeez - I know I said this would be the "abbreviated" version. Sorry! There is more to the story, but I'll cut it off right there for the moment.