Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Red flags in Marriage - time to end?
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post #2 of (permalink) Old 10-20-2016, 04:16 PM
GusPolinski's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,297
Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Originally Posted by mcgyver View Post
Over the years my wife of 8 years has alwIays gone off on business trips alone. About 6 months ago she went on one and didn't answer the phone or call once, which is really odd because we have 2 kids - 4 and 2. I threw a fit about it, and she said she was staying with a co-worker in a hotel that was a stranger and felt awkward about it. I didn't buy it but dropped it. Later, in a social setting a different co-worker of hers let it be known that she was at the bar every night on that trip, yet that co-worker was not on the trip with her, and she isn't the type to make things up. I let it go, but have been watching closely. She stays after work 1 night a week to write her paper for school and on numerous occasions I have called her out on not doing her studies. I found receipts to ice cream shops and donut shops in the middle of the evening. She just completely downplays them. Last night was the final strawl. She had her login saved for find my iphone on her ipad and I looked it up, and found out she was at her old work instead of at the place she said she was writing her paper at. I sent her a text and she told me she was at a different place. When I questioned it, I think I just said "you're where" back in a reply she said "well I was there, now I'm here with an old co-worker. She met me at my school with another friend and now I brought her home. " i stopped replying. She came home in a fit of rage and accused me of checking her location. I lied and said I didn't. After all, she had no proof and was the culprit. She put our oldest child to bed and I didn't say much. She asked if I still wanted to be with her and I didn't answer and went to bed. She was up all night crying. This morning she said she could not stand the thought of not being with me for the rest of her life. I want to believe her, but also know that love is blind. I came here for an outside opinion.

Thanks for listening.
Well, she's been lying about something, and she's feeling guilty about it.

You have two options before you...

1. "I know you've been seeing someone. Maybe even more than someone. There are simply too many inconsistencies in much of what you've been telling me. I want the truth, and I want it now."

If she wavers at all, stay on point -- you want the truth, and you want it now. At the same time, don't go into details regarding the inconsistencies. Make no mention of what doesn't add up. This will give her no opportunity to gaslight.

The problem w/ this approach is that, if she is cheating, she'll likely just lie about it.

That said, you know your wife. If you think you can get her to crack w/ a stone-faced semi-bluff, go for it. If it doesn't work though, and there is something going on, she'll just take it underground, making it even more difficult for you to detect.

2. Say nothing. Act as if all is normal and quietly begin monitoring her more closely. Check out @weightlifter's "Standard Evidence Post" thread in the CWI forum for advice on how to go about doing that. Be sure to pay special attention to the "mouth shut, eyes open" mantra.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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