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is all hope lost?

9K views 45 replies 24 participants last post by  GusPolinski 
#1 ·
Hey, I feel like everything I do is a mistake. Looking for some different perspectives, hope someone can help. We're mid-30's, no kids, my 1st marriage, her 2nd, I pulled her away from her ex. We've been together 8 years, married 3. Here's the rest...

Wife came to me probably over a year ago and said "I'm unhappy, feel unloved, no fireworks". I tried to do things for her to fix it but apparently not enough or in the right way. Mistake #1

She started an affair w/ a co-worker who is also married, every Friday night for awhile. I finally got her to admit it but it took a lot of grinding. Mistake #2

I rode her ass about the affair too much and she finally got sick of talking about it and stonewalled me. Mistake #3.

I took a personal leave of absence from work and went to another state to be w/ family for 2 months. Mistake #4.

Of course the affair started back up while I was gone and she admitted it to me after grinding on her. Mistake #5

I told her to quit her job and we'll move out of state. She agreed. I think this was actually a good idea.

After putting in her notice, I found out she slept w/ this guy AGIAN. I'm still out of state.

I told her to keep her job, I'm coming back to the home state but don't want to be w/ her anymore. She agreed to let me stay in the apartment that's in her name until I find other arrangements 1-2 months. Mistake #5

I want to talk about affair stuff and only last 2 days in the apartment. Stormed out on her, revoked a car from her that was in my name and sofa surfed for awhile before getting an apt. All mistakes.

Now we're separated for sure. I've told her I think we can STILL work it out. She says she doesn't think she wants to be w/ me. "Think" gives me a glimmer of hope.

Think she's just messing w/ me emotionally or means it? I've since read to break off all contact and I've done that. Is my ego just damaged and I'm crazy for wanting her back in my life? Have I done so much damage she'll never talk to me again? I know for now all I can do is wait to see if she calls/texts or gchats me. IF she does that, what's my next move?
 
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#2 ·
Good griefs, man!

Thank the stars you don't have kids. She is a piece of work, your wife. What exactly are you going back to? More of this same treatment? Yes, you ego is damaged. She is out there being romanced and sexed up by OM and you are on the computer wishing she will take you back? Do you not see anything wrong with this picture 'cause I do.

Flush her out of your system. The way to do that is to find out why you are so co-dependent. Godspeed, OP.
 
#7 ·
Thanks for your replies.



Thanks, I'll get to reading on co-dependency

I am reading your post and your messing with my head...your like a yo-yo...she is clearly not going to give up this guy and she DOES NOT RESPECT YOU....move on. and BURN HER ASS...you can start by telling the guys wife and also their employer...or you can give her back your balls and tell her "i will do what ever you want dear".

no more mistakes...move on.
Told their bosses when I first found out. I know where he lives and his wife doesn't work. I could tell her but supposedly she knows and doesn't care that he runs around...their marriage is just for show. Pry a lie.
When you say you "pulled her from her ex" do you mean that she had an affair, with you, while married?

... If yes, see where I'm going?

People rarely change. She is not marriage material. Sure, there are many mistakes you made, but the best you can do is learn from them and take action.

So, what's do you want and what will you do?
When we were together and working on it I kinda wanted out and when we're fighting or separated I want back in. Does co dependency make someone yo-yo like that, I wonder.


I'm not judging but...
You pulled her "away" from her ex husband?
Or did you cheat with a married woman?

I'm sorry but do you really think that she can change?
I don't know, it may take a lot of therapy.
Wouldn't it just be better to find someone who understands the concept of fidelity and boundaries?


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk

They were separated when I met her. He wanted counseling, I convinced her to stick w/ me instead. Maybe bad karma coming back at me.
 
#3 ·
I am reading your post and your messing with my head...your like a yo-yo...she is clearly not going to give up this guy and she DOES NOT RESPECT YOU....move on. and BURN HER ASS...you can start by telling the guys wife and also their employer...or you can give her back your balls and tell her "i will do what ever you want dear".

no more mistakes...move on.
 
#4 ·
When you say you "pulled her from her ex" do you mean that she had an affair, with you, while married?

... If yes, see where I'm going?

People rarely change. She is not marriage material. Sure, there are many mistakes you made, but the best you can do is learn from them and take action.

So, what's do you want and what will you do?
 
#5 ·
I'm not judging but...
You pulled her "away" from her ex husband?
Or did you cheat with a married woman?

I'm sorry but do you really think that she can change?
I don't know, it may take a lot of therapy.
Wouldn't it just be better to find someone who understands the concept of fidelity and boundaries?




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
 
#6 ·
Wow, you are a weak beta male. Find your balls, man up, and never talk to this POFS again. Start going to the gym, eating and drinking healthy, and get your confidence back. You are young. You have no kids. If you have a good job, you can have 90% of the single women out there you desire. You have no idea how good you have it!
 
#12 ·
No, do you see the world in black and white or as it really is? Are you talking down to me because you think it will help me or do you get a small amount of satisfaction out of giving people a hard time? Have you been on the business end of an affair? Probably not, cuz you're an alpha dog and these kinds of things don't happen to alphas unless they're the OM. Which begs the question why are you wasting valuable time on my thread when you could be out mackin another man's wife?
 
#14 ·
From what you've posted the only "mistake" you've made is still wanting to be with her. She will cheat over and over again. Rid yourself of her and move on. Get yourself to a lawyer and start the divorce process. If she calls, tell her that you're filing for divorce and be prepared to be served with papers.
 
#15 · (Edited)
If your wife is HSV+ and her OM is married, you have a moral obligation to tell his wife so that she can be tested and treated if he has passed it on to her. She may not care if he has a side fling or two, but I bet she would care very much to know he is having a fling with an STD+ partner.

To your original question, I think you were her exit affair. Now, this new guy is her exit affair. I believe she truly doesn't want to be with you any longer and that you should start detaching and moving on with your life. If you are also HSV+ , well, so is a decent portion of the female population. You could date women who already have HSV or you could date women who are unknown, disclose, and see if it's a dealbreaker. There are many websites specifically for STD+ people to meet and there are also STD specific singles and support groups out there. I know plenty of women in their mid-20 to mid 30's who are not interested in having kids and looking for a man who also doesn't want kids. Trust me, you can find someone who isn't going to cheat on you...repeatedly...even after you discover it and offer reconciliation.

Since you questioned another poster's street cred, I was a WW and a BW in my first marriage, divorced him to be with my exit affair partner, and have been with him for 16 years, married for 13 of those.
 
#17 ·
"I pulled her away from her ex." If you mean you cheated on her ex with her then this was your first mistake, thinking you can have a successful long term relationship with someone of poor character.

Your second mistake was not dumping her as soon as you found out she was cheating.

You can't change her it is in her nature.
 
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#18 ·
You need to get out of this married while you can. All she's going to do is cheat when you are away. I think the "feeling" unloved speech you got was just for validation for herself. I think that all that time she was seeing someone else.
 
#21 ·
I suspect this may be the case.

So far I have not read anywhere here where she agrees to stop banging the OM/

the fact that you let her party with him every Friday night showed her you would do nothing with any consequences. She still believes that is the case.

No kids. Run and do not look back
Every Friday was "happy hour", I didn't allow them once I found out it was actually an affair. Any way you cut it, I have a total majority telling me to man up and run. I'm taking the advice.
 
#19 ·
So far I have not read anywhere here where she agrees to stop banging the OM/

So until you can verify that that happens, what is your glimmer of hope hoping for??? her to agree to still allow you to be in her open marriage????

You are playing the good old fashioned "pick me game" and she gets to sit back and choose. make the choice for her. File for divorce and that gives her a finite amount of time to get off the fence. the fact that you let her party with him every Friday night showed her you would do nothing with any consequences. She still believes that is the case.

No kids. Run and do not look back
 
#22 ·
Have you just thought she is a serial cheater and gets bored and looks for the next fix? She will likely cheat on the the new guy if you divorce. Her blaming you may be just her being bored and she blames you for what she is not cut out for?
 
#26 ·
Hey, I feel like everything I do is a mistake. Looking for some different perspectives, hope someone can help. We're mid-30's, no kids, my 1st marriage, her 2nd, I pulled her away from her ex. We've been together 8 years, married 3. Here's the rest...

Wife came to me probably over a year ago and said "I'm unhappy, feel unloved, no fireworks". I tried to do things for her to fix it but apparently not enough or in the right way. Mistake #1

She started an affair w/ a co-worker who is also married, every Friday night for awhile. I finally got her to admit it but it took a lot of grinding. Mistake #2

I rode her ass about the affair too much and she finally got sick of talking about it and stonewalled me. Mistake #3.

I took a personal leave of absence from work and went to another state to be w/ family for 2 months. Mistake #4.

Of course the affair started back up while I was gone and she admitted it to me after grinding on her. Mistake #5

I told her to quit her job and we'll move out of state. She agreed. I think this was actually a good idea.

After putting in her notice, I found out she slept w/ this guy AGIAN. I'm still out of state.

I told her to keep her job, I'm coming back to the home state but don't want to be w/ her anymore. She agreed to let me stay in the apartment that's in her name until I find other arrangements 1-2 months. Mistake #5

I want to talk about affair stuff and only last 2 days in the apartment. Stormed out on her, revoked a car from her that was in my name and sofa surfed for awhile before getting an apt. All mistakes.

Now we're separated for sure. I've told her I think we can STILL work it out. She says she doesn't think she wants to be w/ me. "Think" gives me a glimmer of hope.

Think she's just messing w/ me emotionally or means it? I've since read to break off all contact and I've done that. Is my ego just damaged and I'm crazy for wanting her back in my life? Have I done so much damage she'll never talk to me again? I know for now all I can do is wait to see if she calls/texts or gchats me. IF she does that, what's my next move?

Run. Run away from this like it was a bomb...because it is.

Yes...you are crazy for wanting her back. You want another perspective?? If what is happening to you...was happening to your son, brother, best buddy....what would you tell him to do?

Do that
 
#27 ·
She says she doesn't think she wants to be w/ me. "Think" gives me a glimmer of hope.
No it means she has processed her thoughts and after thinking about it she doesn't want you anymore.

It's like you going on a fast circular amusement park ride and you get off and you're falling all over the place and you feel the bile rising in your throat and just as you are about to heave the contents of the sausage and peppers you ate right before getting on the ride, you "think" you're going to puke.
 
#33 ·
@bojangles you should think about boundaries, honesty and integrity. Look in the mirror and fix what you need to.

Your boundaries are weak because you continue to accept abuse and don't clearly see that you deserve to be treated with respect.

Honesty -come on man - you said you wanted out but reversed course when she took control. Be honest with yourself and keep being honest on future relationships.

Regarding integrity - the fact that you feel no obligation to warn the OM's BS about the STD's shows me you lack - at least to some degree - integrity. I understand why telling her is not priority #1 but "being a man" in my book means doing the right thing even if it's hard.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#36 ·
Bojangles,

OK buddy, it seems like you have made the smart decision to get yourself out of this marriage. She appears to be a serial cheater and is not about to stop now.

Now I'll try again to make some sense for you as to why you should get in touch with this wife of OM. It appears that because it is the moral and right thing to do is having no effect on you. And I am not sure about what you are saying about a conflict over it with OM. Screw him.

Until you divorce your wife, and I hope you do, there is always the chance she may "lure" you back in to try to work it out. If that occurs you are going to kick your self in the butt wondering if his wife really knew or not or if your wife has just added to the lies she has told you.

Regardless, at some point you are going to wonder if you acted on facts or lies, and you will feel much better knowing you knew everything and that there was no reason to second guess yourself.

But first things first, and I hope you meant it when you said you were going to file. She is a nightmare that you are going to keep having again and again.
 
#37 ·
last spring i tried her cell from 3 separate lines and left a vm about the affair. never heard back. i suspect he intercepted, maybe not.

WW's favorite method of deception was gaslighting. second was the limited hangout/half truth.

i've been told:

his wife is schitzo
that OM and his wife haven't been intimate for years
that she doesn't care about him running around
that WW disclosed it to OM

some, all or none of that could be true.

50-70% of the population has one form or another by midlife whether they know it or not.

too many unknown variables to go stirring up sh!t over. i understand the counter argument that it's too many unknowns to not act. my moral obligation is to any of my future partners. IF OM contracted it from WW it's his moral obligation, not mine.
 
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