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Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

10K views 109 replies 22 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
After tomorrow's 1st of the month payment I've got exactly 4 child support payments remaining, the total due is about $8000.

My daughter lives out of state, she just got a job and needs a way to get there, she's working on getting her drivers license and expects to have it shortly and she wants to buy a car.

I told her and my ex that I'd be willing to prepay the support so my daughter can get a car, however my ex must a) agree to it in writing and b) forward most of the funds to my daughter.

Sounds simple, right? Problem is my ex has been keeping the bulk of the child support even though my daughter hasn't once lived with her since she moved out of state a few years ago. The problem is my ex is selfish, greedy, and lazy and hasn't worked in years because she's living off of generous child support payments. My daughter is concerned that if I give the lump sum to my ex she'll get less then whatever small amounts she gets from the monthly payments.

I'm trying to convince the ex that this final payment is in the best interests of our daughter who of course we both love and care about and we both want her to succeed and she needs transportation in order to do that but my ex is seriously mentally disturbed (in my opinion) and only sees the rapidly decreasing incoming flow of free money.

I'm not sure if this is a vent or asking for advice so take it as you may.
 
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#8 ·
I've consulted with an attorney who has stated that as long as I have her written approval the prepaid support payments will be credited as such.

I guess I don't understand why would you pay your ex support for a child that does not even live with her?
In order to apply for a modification I would need to prove that my daughter is not living with her. My ex has always claimed that she is renting a house with a room that is for my daughter, with some of her personal items in it (that she had from before she moved away). At the time, I didn't have a strong enough case nor did I have my daughters cooperation- mom has always had quite a hold on her. A year or so back I consulted with an attorney who agreed I needed my daughters cooperation, I approached her about it but she wasn't willing to go against her mother even though she was seeing only a small part of the support. A few months ago my daughter contacted me and said "go ahead and go after her for the support because she's barely giving me anything" but at that point it was not worth bringing a motion with only a few payments left and I told her as much.
 
#3 ·
I told her and my ex that I'd be willing to prepay the support so my daughter can get a car, however my ex must a) agree to it in writing and b) forward most of the funds to my daughter.
CS is court ordered, don't mess around with payments unless it is modified by the court. Otherwise your wife could claim you never paid and request additional payments.

my daughter hasn't once lived with her since she moved out of state a few years ago.
I guess I don't understand why would you pay your ex support for a child that does not even live with her?
 
#4 ·
Congratulations for serving your indentured servitude.

C.S. is justice due..to the child. This justice was moot, got the boot and exes little feet can do no [teary-eyed-rain-dance] to further nourish her paltry potato patch.

The end is near. XW's end is upright, threadbare and sunburned, her face is in the rabbit hole that only clever Alice could circumnavigate.

Justice's due-process went up a winding road and landed on Piedmont. Sunlight prevails....for you and for dear daughter.

Good luck, Sir!
 
#6 ·
SunCMars... this is OT, but I have to know... do you also post under the name Agile Cyborg in the comments section of Reason.com?
 
#7 ·
Don't give her the money unless the court ok's it and you have in writing that it's the last of the child support that is due to her. If you do give it to her, she'll say that you never paid the child support. Informal agreements like this are always trouble and are never in your best interest.
 
#9 ·
If your daughter wasn't willing to help you with getting the child support lessened so you could give her more, why should you want to help her so much in getting a car? Why would your ex be so willing to give all the support money to her daughter to get the car all of the sudden when she didn't give her any of it before. Even with a lawyer saying it was ok, with a written letter from your ex to that effect, I still think that she could figure some way of screwing you out of the money. I smell a rat.
 
#10 ·
Why do I want to help her with getting a car? Because I love her and want to see her be successful, she's really gotten her act together with school and getting this job. I also have personal reasons for wanting to be done with the child support, basically just to get it over with and have an affirmation from her that it's paid in full, for whatever that's worth.

This all came down this morning, and interestingly enough my ex has yet to say she is good with the idea. I cannot fathom why she'd turn her head at the lump sum payment but she remains silent. If she does get back to me with the go ahead I may opt to have my attorney draft a Stipulation that address the prepayment issue that will be notarized by both of us, just for the extra protection.

But you're right, there's no promise my ex will give some, all, most or any of it if she receives it in a lump sum but either way she controls that money regardless of how it's paid. My thought is if she's got this chunk of cash she might be a bit more open with sharing it but it could work the other way, and she'll know the spigot is turned off going forward.
 
#11 ·
To be brief and blunt, there is nothing you can do to "make" your exW be a considerate parent. She is who she is, and in order for her to change, SHE would have to want to change. Based on what you've said so far, I don't believe she has any desire to be any different: she wants to receive your money and live off of it, and she does not want to use the money for the child it is supposed to support.

Soooo...since you can not change her, or "make" her, I would recommend a different tactic. Your daughter is not stupid. She may not want to cross her mom or "go against her" but she can see which parent is trying to help her and which parent is taking advantage. Thus, I'd say give exW the very bare minimum ordered by court for four more payments AND BE DONE WITH HER!!! You've done your duty to the court, and legally she won't be able to siphon off of you any more. Simultaneously with your daughter, explain what you would have rather done (given the $8,000 straight to her!), and explain that you can not control another person, so you are stuck following the court order for 4 more months. But see if you can't arrange for some sort of loan at the bank--a personal loan for yourself--that you could give to your daughter and have some repayment arrangement between you and your daughter--in writing.

My guess is that if you have the $8k to make final lump sum for CS, you may be able to do an advance, a credit line, or some sort of financial arrangement to lay your hands on an amount to help her get a vehicle. Then have it be directly one adult (your daughter) to another (you) and bypass exW altogether.

Four more months and you are legally DONE!
 
#12 ·
Simultaneously with your daughter, explain what you would have rather done (given the $8,000 straight to her!), and explain that you can not control another person, so you are stuck following the court order for 4 more months. But see if you can't arrange for some sort of loan at the bank--a personal loan for yourself--that you could give to your daughter and have some repayment arrangement between you and your daughter--in writing.
I have explained this to my daughter, and she has realized over the past months and years how true it all is. She's considering taking out a student loan and using that to pay for the car. I already pay her entire college bill and will continue to do so even though my obligation to her ends at age 21.

My guess is that if you have the $8k to make final lump sum for CS, you may be able to do an advance, a credit line, or some sort of financial arrangement to lay your hands on an amount to help her get a vehicle.
I wouldn't need to borrow money in order to give my daughter the money for the car, but it's a bit much. Like I said I'm already paying for her college, I'm paying the child support, I'm just trying to get as much benefit for her out of the remaining support as I possibly can.
 
#13 ·
Wow. Definitely be glad you are done with your ex-wife four payments from now.

I pay half of my kids' college expenses. The first one graduated last year, but for a year they were both in college at the same time and the college fees/living expenses were over $100,000 that year. I paid half. As a parent, I expect to pay half. I don't expect my ex-spouse to do more than me. Now we only have one in college so it's only around $47K a year.

Yes I have a good career so I can afford to do so, but no one handed that to me. I worked my a$$ off for all of it.

Kids are not stupid. As was mentioned in a post above, they know who is taking care of them and who isn't. Thus the reason why my 15 year old daughter is now living full time with me.
 
#22 ·
Well I've already "shaken things up" but she doesn't appear interested and once again her actions continue to baffle me. From what I understand she's almost broke you'd think she'd jump at the chance to grab a load of cash and yet.. nothing.

Go figure.
 
#27 ·
I'm not sure if this is a vent or asking for advice so take it as you may.
If it were me I would buy your daughter good used car.

If you cannot afford it, then tell her to make the payments as she can.

This is something your DD would remember for life. Her Dad was there when she needed him.

A lifelong investment for pennies on the dollar.
 
#33 ·
+1

Cost-share it like a co-pay, does not matter how little she can pay, just don't tie it to any child support...
 
#28 ·
Get with your attorney on this ASAP!

A lot of family court judges in various states and jurisdictions will not sign off on this, more especially if there remains a valid question as to whether the children would receive the mandated monthly child support by paying in a lump sum rather than incrementally, as prescribed by their laws!
 
#36 ·
Absolutely, you shouldn't get child support unless you can show you are doing your part as well. If you can't or just want to continue to be unemployed the kids should go to the other parent. Just another symptom of a broken system.
 
#35 ·
I dunno, it sounds like you are trying to have it both ways. You want your ex to take a lump sum on the condition that the money can be used to buy your daughter a car, so that you can to take credit for the car, because it "is in the best interests of OUR daughter who of course WE both love and care about and WE both want her to succeed and she needs transportation"
I am not disputing that you love your daughter (or that your ex does either), but you are conflating the two issues. Whether you like it or not, you have no control over how your ex uses the CS. You may think that not enough is given directly to the child, but guess what? It doesn't matter what you think. You are divorced now, you have no control over your ex - NONE! In your ex's mind all of the CS payment may in fact be used on the daughter, regardless of what you think. She may live in a nicer apartment because she has the child, than she would have if it was just herself. She may drive a different vehicle etc etc. Regardless, the CS was awarded to your ex and you accepted that.
If you want your daughter to have a car, buy it for yourself. Better yet, help her establish her credit by having her take out a loan and you co-signing it. You can teach her two lessons in one - she learns you are willing to help her (although I would think she should already know this) and she learns to be responsible for herself.
 
#37 ·
I dunno, it sounds like you are trying to have it both ways. You want your ex to take a lump sum on the condition that the money can be used to buy your daughter a car, so that you can to take credit for the car
I'm not looking to take credit for anything. My daughter needs a car, the child support the ex is receiving (that she's using for her own needs) is more than enough to buy it. I'm simply offering to make the child support available in one big chunk so it may be forwarded to my daughter so she may buy a car. I'm thinking that if my ex receives a large influx of cash she may be more willing to part with more of it. Whether my ex takes that offer or not, whether she accepts the offer and keeps all or most of the money herself is not something I can control and you state the obvious when you point that out.

In your ex's mind all of the CS payment may in fact be used on the daughter
I have long since given up trying to figure out what is going on in my ex's mind.
 
#55 ·
As I said, I'm just curious. He's already settled his problem; he's going to help DD get a used car.

It hits home with me because I'm dealing with such a woman. She used to be rich, had several companies, ran them all into the ground because she had to play golf all day, every day. She's gone through every potential source of money (including me) she can find because she simply will.not.work. So when I see another woman like that, I'm curious to see how things turn out.
 
#56 ·
Your ex, is no different then most people, one of the basic human conditions is self-preservation. your Ex, has earmarked that money for her needs, and as such has no desire to do anything that will deny her that "comfort" allotted to her with that money, regardless of the fact it would benefit her daughter. I am guessing she has always been self-centered, which probably explains why she is your ex. the best you can hope for is that she never bothers you again once the tap runs dry but i suspect she will turn to her daughter in the future and be a parasite to her. I just hope the lesson learned here is that your daughter realizes how selfish her mom is and breaks away form her.
 
#57 ·
I am guessing she has always been self-centered, which probably explains why she is your ex. the best you can hope for is that she never bothers you again once the tap runs dry but i suspect she will turn to her daughter in the future and be a parasite to her. I just hope the lesson learned here is that your daughter realizes how selfish her mom is and breaks away form her.
That's a very accurate description of my exwife. She is already parasitizing her eldest daughter (from her first marriage) who continues to send her money to keep her out of the poor house.

My daughter is aware how selfish her mom is but I'm concerned she'll find a way to guilt her into supporting her when my daughter starts earning money (she was just hired for a part time job), and also from the funds I will be sending her directly after the last child support payment in April of next year.

If your ex doesn't work, how's she going to live once this $8K is gone?
I'm wondering the same thing. Some possibilities:

She has a degree, she can go back to work if she chooses, I'm guessing that when push comes to shove she'll get a job.

She'll continue to leech off her eldest daughter but I can't imagine she'd be able to get enough from her to live on.

She'll find another guy to live off of. However she has been unsuccessful in meeting anyone long term in the last 10 years since we split. Which is rather surprising because she's a good looking woman and she's had a lot of work done to maintain her appearance and she can really turn on the charm and keep up the facade and fool people that don't really know her.

She'll go completely broke and apply for welfare, at which point I'll get sued for more spousal maintenance. It's a long shot, and it only happens rarely but in my state judges retain jurisdiction to reinstate alimony if there is "extreme hardship" and to prevent her from "becoming a public charge"

I am not making any sort of argument. I am simply stating that what is really bothering you is the fact that you don't get to control how the money is spent.
Yes it bothers me that the money that is meant to be used for my children is being used by my ex to pay her own bills because she does not work, by her own choice. As far as trying to "control" her.. I disagree with the term "control" to describe my actions, because I'm not forcing her to do anything. I'd go with "coerce", "suggest", "manipulate", "offer", "advise" or "persuade".

If she has collected regular payments for ten years and now only has four remaining, why on earth would she agree to ANY term you placed on her acceptance?
She wouldn't. She will not agree to any terms I've placed on her acceptance of a lump sum support payment. She has been silent on the matter and I do not expect to hear from her regarding the matter. But it was worth a shot.
 
#58 ·
IIWY, to avoid that last option of her going after you again, I suggest you get a wirebound notebook, start at the beginning when you got married, and write out the complete timeline of what she has done with her life. Including after you divorced, adding any opportunities she had for work or support and how she turned it down. Show a long-term pattern of her refusal to support herself. May not work, but it may.
 
#68 ·
4 more payments. She never got back to me about accepting the lump sum payment offer, and it's just as well.

The overwhelming advice from people both online and off has been "Don't do it she'll keep all the money" and I might be liable for the payments since they are not being made monthly as per court order.

I figure I've got nothing else to talk to my ex about at this point so I have removed her from my phone and blocked the number.
 
#69 ·
Okay, thank you. I get Ynot's argument, but it doesn't fit your situation and that's why I said derail. I could see you being a cake eater and controlling if you had four more years or just started paying two years ago. Your obligation is basically up and you want some of the money you've been paying, for over a decade, to go to your daughter. In my eyes, there is nothing wrong with that at all. Still, I agree with the main crowd and your decision. Finish the 4 payments, end the charade and buy her an older well maintained car. Nowadays, you can spend 3-5k and get a car that lasts 5-6 years with basic preventative maintenance.
 
#70 ·
I never said I had an issue with the OP wanting some of the money to go towards his daughter. But if the OP had been concerned about that, he would have acted when his daughter moved out several years ago, not now with only four payments left. Too little too late? If you were her, would you take his offer? Assuming she is just spending the money on herself, why would she give up a guaranteed $8,000 (to spend on herself) over the next four months in exchange for $8,000 now to hand over to the daughter? Had the OP just said he wanted to be done with his ex this year and made her the offer without condition, I could see his point, but since he attached the condition, it is HIS fault his ex didn't accept.
 
#80 ·
My relationship with my daughter has been tenuous at best, she has cut contact with me for years at a time, there's been a lot of damage done by the divorce. I need to find a balance between helping her out and yet not enabling her. I think threatening to confiscate her car would be too heavy handed given the history, however I would not be quite so fast to throw extra money at her if she quits her job.
 
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