Fast forward to just 2 days ago. I had replied to a post on facebook simply stating an opinion and one man who happens to be a fecebook friend wrote this "I think I love you." Now this is a married man and there was nothing enticing in my post (it was about politics). So given my personality flaws, I felt on top of the world. But I chose not to further engage this man as I knew he was married and at least at the moment I felt it would be disrespectful to his wife and my BH to say anything positive in response. I showed to my BH what i had planned on saying, BH said to give him a pass this time but if it did happen once more that I should know what to do.
Yesterday I took the day off from work because my child was sick. I was on facebook and accepted a friend request from a male who happens to be friends with someone I know. He thanked me and immediately told me that he thought I looked exotic...that is all it took. I started chatting with him about where he is from etc and then I asked him whether he knew I am married. He said he knew and he is also married and he had no bad intentions. Now this is when I took things to an inappropriate level. After chatting about the weather in his part of the world, I decided to tell him i thought he looked hot. He said he was flattered that such a beautiful woman would say that about him. Do I really find him attractive? Not quite. But this is my strategy when it comes to men, tell them something flattering and then they will stick around. I know better of course that a married man who has integrity would probably not be sending friend requests to strangers...In any event, there was nothing much else discussed, told him that i have my phone with me at all times and he could reach out any time.
That was bad enough. There is this other facebook friend that posts some suggestive jokes and I only have friended him for maybe a week but all that time we were rather flirty with each other at least in closed group we are members of and so given the fact that my BH isn't in it he could not see any of it. But I convinced myself it was just flirting and nothing more. Of course I knew it was unacceptable behavior for a married woman but since he isn't married I figured i am not destroying another family (I conveniently forgot I was destroying my own). And then
yesterday afternoon out of nowhere he sent me a private message saying that he thought I was a cool lady. I of course started flirting and this time I took it one step further. I asked him about his age and where he lives and why he doesn't have any pictures of himself on facebook. He said he would send me one clothed to which I responded that is fine for now. We talked* bit more and joked about being of a certain age and sex ( a topic which I initiated). I then asked him if he knew I am married and he said of course. It was getting late and told him i had to go. This is perhaps something that BH found very hurtful: I had told this man that I hoped he wasn't a gym or health freak because I didn't find that kind of men attractive. My BH is a personal trainer and he is in incredibly good shape for his age...unfortunately a person's physical appearance does pretty much nothing for me. This man sent me a picture of his naked torso and I told him i thought he looked hot. Truth is I could care less...but I figured if I wanted* to keep him interested in talking to me i would have to make him believe he is sexy. I then told him I'd have to delete messages. Little did I know what would happen next.
My BH somehow had been witnessing all these exchanges between the 2 men and me. He took screenshots before I deleted some of it. I was caught again in my despicable behavior. And this is the end. BH told me that this time I have left him with no choice. He is naturally extremely hurt and angry. He told me that he would send screenshots to my family and he did just that.
One of my brothers replied to my BH by saying that while he understood his hurt that it was not ok for him to embarrass me like that.
My BH became even more angry and said he hates my family and that they probably will take my side etc.
As soon as I learned of this I reached out to my family members and asked then to please not reply to my BH unless is to show him empathy. I emphasized that only I am reaponsible and he is the victim here (and our daughter). I asked them to just give him his space or certainly not try to advocate for me in any way.
This is my Christmas present to my family, to my little innocent girl, to my loyal husband, to my mentally disabled sister, to my betrayed mother...and the list goes on.
Will I ever become a better person? I always questioned my worth, my value as a human being. I have a career in mental health precisely because I wantes to learn more about myself first and to work on myself and then see if i could help others with their own struggles. I was the role model to my family and coworkers and acquaintances on the outside only. They had no idea what a rotten person I truly am deep down. But this farce is over, perhaps now i have reached rock bottom and will finally do what it takes to at least be a good mother to my little girl.
That is all I ever wanted. I had an unhappy childhood and I promised myself I would be a good mother and i would never fail her. But now that is ruined. All I do is hurt others. I do not want to cause so much pain anymore.
Thanks for reading.