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Shouldn't we have it all??

14K views 134 replies 42 participants last post by  225985 
#1 ·
Ok, so I have read many posts about sex, sexual attraction, love languages, body weight changes, etc, etc., and I am just going to come right out with it and put it on the table. This is for the guys, and I want honest answers. I'm sure some of the ladies will enter the clubhouse and offer their opinions as well. Here's the deal...I have been married for 15 years, and for the past couple of years, my wife has been steadily gaining weight, to the point that I am no longer sexually attracted to her. When we married, she was about 120 lbs, very height-weight proportional, attractive, awesome. No issues. She's about 5'3 1/2. Now, she's probably at 160-165, and she has lost her shape, and it seems to not bother her. There is no effort to try to do everything to get back into shape. And, as we all know, this is a touchy subject. She's very kind, selfless, thoughtful, patient, all the attributes that any man would die for in a mate. She's a great mother as well to our children. There are no issues of infidelity, porn, or anything of that matter. We have a clean slate as it pertains to that. Many women wear that weight well, or have a few more inches of height to distribute it.

I am a visual creature. I think most guys, if not all, are. A large part of my being able to draw near to her is being able to think about her sexually. To be able to think about her naked, think about looking at her body and saying to myself, "Wow, that's mine..I get to enjoy that". That was once the case, but it no longer is. Listen, I know we all change as we age. But I believe in fighting that tooth and nail. Staying in shape is a definite part of my own routine. I exercise several times a week, I do my part. I don't have a pot belly. I take care of myself. Isn't it ok to expect the same from my bride?? I am not trying to be Shallow Hal, but I am having a serious issue with attraction, and it is entirely connected to my wife's weight. It is difficult to look at an overweight belly and not be turned off by that. I am sorry, I am just being honest here. It's just not part of my makeup. Marriage is a composition of friendship love, commitment, and romantic love. One of the key elements of romantic love is passion and arousal. I love my wife, ok. I truly do, with all of my heart. But I have to be able to desire her as well. I just have to.

I am ready for many women to insult me and say how shallow I am, and how I should "love my wife no matter how much she weighs". I DO love my wife no matter how much she weighs. But I DON'T desire her sexually no matter how much she weighs. The two things are different. And I must have both in order to remain married. That may sound harsh, but what I hear my wife say to me by her not caring about her weight is "I don't care how I look for you". That's what I hear. And if I feel that way, where do we go from there? I believe this is a real issue, and that I am not the only guy that feels this way. Love should be unconditional, I agree. But I'm sorry, desire is not. And desire is crucial. I don't know how to suppress these feelings and overcome them. I do not view my wife as a sexual being anymore.
 
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#3 ·
You're not the only person who feels that way. Have you talked to your wife about it? Have you told her that you love her, but you aren't sexually attracted to her due to the weight gain? She can't fix a problem she doesn't know exists.
 
#6 ·
Honestly, I do not think it's my duty to ask her to work out for me anymore, or refine her diet so as to be able to lose the weight. It is so difficult not to be so incredibly frustrated about it. To me, she should want to look her best for me, same as I do for her, that should be a no-brainer. I'm telling you, what I hear every time I look at her is "I really don't care how I look for you". All I can do is continue to exercise myself, eat right, and try to maintain my physique. With her knowledge that it is an issue, and her failure to do anything towards changing that, it's going to be difficult to work around. I WANT TO WANT MY WIFE IN ADDITION TO LOVING EVERYTHING ABOUT HER CHARACTER. For a guy, for me, WANTING her is such an integral part in how we relate to one another. It makes everything come together.
 
#8 ·
Honestly, I do not think it's my duty to ask her to work out for me anymore, or refine her diet so as to be able to lose the weight. It is so difficult not to be so incredibly frustrated about it. To me, she should want to look her best for me, same as I do for her, that should be a no-brainer. I'm telling you, what I hear every time I look at her is "I really don't care how I look for you". All I can do is continue to exercise myself, eat right, and try to maintain my physique. With her knowledge that it is an issue, and her failure to do anything towards changing that, it's going to be difficult to work around. I WANT TO WANT MY WIFE IN ADDITION TO LOVING EVERYTHING ABOUT HER CHARACTER. For a guy, for me, WANTING her is such an integral part in how we relate to one another. It makes everything come together.
This is as fallible as the female argument " he should want to to do the dishes". Truth is that she doesn't see this as an issue, you do and rightfully so. You just need to be honest here and say that you love her but are losing attraction to her. Yes she will be upset most likely but here is the thing you CAN'T deal with what is not acknowledged.

Now me personally I am never one to drop a problem with no solution. Maybe you could offer to do the cooking of healthier meals or make a workout routine for the both of you since this comes more naturally to you.
 
#7 ·
So your wife should read your mind?

Maybe she doesn't realize how much she's put on, or maybe she's not clear on how much it bothers you.

It's not fair to assume she realizes how much it bothers you.

Let me ask you this: do you want her where she was or do you want reasonable efforts from her?

Have you invited her to the gym with you, or offered to watch the kids while she goes? These are ways to subtlety drop the hint.
 
#10 ·
If the situation has become a deal breaker for you, then brutal honesty needs to be used.

There is no other way around it but through it with honest communication.

What would you rather do than the above that will work and you will not lose your marriage?
 
#11 ·
You really need to tell her how to feel, you are talking about ending a marriage due to weight and that is your prerogative. But if you have not told her how you truly feel, don't you think she has a right to know the real reason you have one foot out the door.

I'm not slamming you at all about wanting to desire your wife, I just think that you need to bring it out in the open with her.
 
#13 ·
Have you thought through divorce? Really sat down and done the math, and are ready to face that reality?

Are you ready for your kids to know why you may be initiating this possible divorce? Or, once your wife hears your concerns, she will?
 
#37 ·
Have you thought through divorce? Really sat down and done the math, and are ready to face that reality?
Reality will sink in once he plots dollars in the horizontal axis and pounds in the vertical axis...

So, what's the OP to do when she improves now, time passes, and they're both 50 and she doesn't pass muster? 55? 60?

Stick around in any marriage board and a couple dozen pounds are the least of anyone's concerns... I'm not trying to trivialize your issue, but I'm in a rather crappy marriage yet my wife at 57 puts most 40-45 year olds to shame. For all the good that has done.
 
#19 ·
It is, isn't it?

It really is pretty much the same with women, you know, but many won't admit it because... well, that isn't what 'good' women are supposed to do, is it? Historically, we've been taught to lie to men and only tell them things that make them feel good about themselves. Openness and honesty are far healthier options, though.

The OP has every right to his feelings about his W's weight gain, and he really does need to let her know to what extent it's affecting his attraction towards her, and if she isn't listening to his gentle hints, perhaps it's time to lay his cards completely on the table with her.
 
#15 ·
brutal honesty is a good way to start. theres no cushioning the blow really its like coming out of the closet ( no offence ) .. you just have to do it and be supportive. tell her you would like her to lose some weight and make that effort with her. you'll have to play a pivoting role because it really doesnt sound like shes bothered by her weight or her attraction level. so your gonna have to do alot but the best way to go is to sit down and talk to her about it. and you take it from there, tell her you'll start working out together, eat healthier and make it a couples thing. so its up to you to sit down and talk to her and her to make some compromise towards your needs and put in the effort to look better/get in shape.
 
#21 ·
OP, first you need to get honest.

You don't work out and stay fit and trim for HER, you do it for yourself. She benefits from it of course, but you do it for YOU, not her. You're trying to spin this like it's a sacrifice you make in order to please her so she should be thinking and doing the same thing for you.

I call bullsh*t because I can guarantee you if you were single, you'd STILL be doing exactly what you're doing now to maintain your physique.

There are plenty of people perfectly comfortable in their own skin, and she just happens to be one of them (unfortunately for you). She's become complacent and probably isn't aware of how much of an issue this really IS for you.

I completely understand your problem with loving her but not being sexually attracted to her.

Not a fan of self help books or Dr. Harley from the Marriage Builder's site, but they have a list of the 5 top things men and women seek in a partner, and the need for a physically attractive partner is #3 on the men's list. That doesn't even get into the top #5 for the women. LOL.

My point is, you're not alone. Not by a long shot.

How to convey this to your wife without starting World War III? That, indeed, is the $64,000 question.

Maybe you can ask her t embark on a new health and fitness plan together?
 
#26 ·
OP, first you need to get honest.

You don't work out and stay fit and trim for HER, you do it for yourself[/B]. She benefits from it of course, but you do it for YOU, not her. You're trying to spin this like it's a sacrifice you make in order to please her so she should be thinking and doing the same thing for you.

I call bullsh*t because I can guarantee you if you were single, you'd STILL be doing exactly what you're doing now to maintain your physique.

There are plenty of people perfectly comfortable in their own skin, and she just happens to be one of them (unfortunately for you). She's become complacent and probably isn't aware of how much of an issue this really IS for you.

I completely understand your problem with loving her but not being sexually attracted to her.

Not a fan of self help books or Dr. Harley from the Marriage Builder's site, but they have a list of the 5 top things men and women seek in a partner, and the need for a physically attractive partner is #3 on the men's list. That doesn't even get into the top #5 for the women. LOL.

My point is, you're not alone. Not by a long shot.

How to convey this to your wife without starting World War III? That, indeed, is the $64,000 question.

Maybe you can ask her t embark on a new health and fitness plan together?


Amen. I did 15 miles today for ME.....if it was for my hb i would've spent the last 3 miles calling him every four letter word I could think of.
 
#22 ·
I think it would be a real favor to her for you to be completely transparent with her, OP.
 
#23 ·
No only should you be transparent to her, but she should be to you as well.

A likely scenario is you telling her you have lost attraction to her and her telling you she does not care. Or she makes a list of stuff she does for the marriage and you don't.

Who knows, she may have lost attraction to you as well. Like you are not inspiring her. It would be useful for you to know.

Do you know if your wife is attracted to you?

Why should she change for you?
 
#29 ·
If you have been feeling this way for a few years, AND YOU HAVE STILL BEEN HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE DURING THAT TIME, she just might think that you're bat sheet crazy. After all, if you're not "sexually attracted" to someone, you DON'T HAVE SEX WITH THEM, right? Because if you DO, you're pretty much just using them for sex and not really that "turned off" by their weight.

At least, that's how your wife might think.

No matter how gently you approach the subject, it's going to hurt her. And yes, she might become angry enough to where she starts losing the weight and then dumps you for being so shallow and hypocritical.
 
#30 ·
If you have been feeling this way for a few years, AND YOU HAVE STILL BEEN HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE DURING THAT TIME, she just might think that you're bat sheet crazy. After all, if you're not "sexually attracted" to someone, you DON'T HAVE SEX WITH THEM, right? Because if you DO, you're pretty much just using them for sex and not really that "turned off" by their weight.



At least, that's how your wife might think.



No matter how gently you approach the subject, it's going to hurt her. And yes, she might become angry enough to where she starts losing the weight and then dumps you for being so shallow and hypocritical.


It could be the boiled frog scenario. Most likely he has been slowly losing attraction as her weight gone up until a break point was reached.

He is not being shallow. He is trying to address the issue.
 
#34 ·
VFD,
Why don't you actually say anything at all about your sex life in the post below?

You talk about desire, but not sex. If you have lost desire, how is that not obvious to your wife (from now on she is V2).

If what you say is true, than you have stopped initiating right? If so, does she initiate or have you simply stopped having sex entirely.

You asked for honest answers, but haven't provided a true picture of what is happening.

My guess - you are still having regular sex - or you would have said you weren't. Its kind of obvious why you are leaving that part out, but no one can help you without that information.
 
#35 ·
Thanks to everyone for all of their replies, I have not had the opportunity to respond, but it has been a good thread. No, I haven't provided every detail, as I did not wish to become too long-winded. As far as asking my wife to go to the gym, etc, she has been more active in the past, and largely liked to do classes, etc. With our schedules, and children, it's not practical. She's not the type to want to go to the gym with me and do my workouts with me. Just not her thing, and that's ok. As far as our sex life, it is very infrequent. I hold much anger, resentment, blame, and frustration towards her for not taking care of herself. I am sure that comes across. Essentially, we are friends at this point. I no longer think of her as a sexual being. I have no desire for her. That would all change, I am certain, if there was any sort of visual attraction. And listen, I get all of this "when we get older, we all deteriorate" kind of arguments. That happens to us all. I am NOT talking about that. It's simple---I want to desire my wife, and if I cannot, then I cannot draw near to her in a full way. I cannot make love to a flabby belly, unless I also have a flabby belly, and then it cancels out. I don't WANT to feel this way, but I do. My body is my wife's and her body is mine. Am I being unreasonable? If my wife even TRIED to get into shape, it would be a start. I would notice that. I am tired of the baggy clothes. I am tired of the sweatpants. I am tired of the ball caps.
 
#36 ·
Maybe tell all of that to her, and in a not-quite-so-gentle way.

As far as your schedules go, maybe take some of what she usually deals with off of her so that she has time to go to the gym.

Or buy some gym equipment for the house.

ETA: What's with the second account?
 
#38 ·
I had to create a different profile name, changed it by one letter, because I kept getting an error with my password, etc, couldn't change it, so I just made a new one, kept it very similar to old one. I don't know if anyone else has had trouble logging in, etc, maybe it's a website issue.

Here's the tricky thing about getting in shape, exercise..I do help her as much as I am able with our children. If I am not working, I offer to help. I drive the kids to soccer, pick them up from school, take them to school(which I enjoy all of these things anyway, of course), take our daughter to cello, give my wife "free days" with no responsibilities. I do all of the yard work, cook for the family fairly often. I always check in with her when I leave work to ask if she needs anything. She does not work, so during the school months, she has time from 8am to 3pm with which she could squeeze it in if she wants to. I do, and I work probably 60 hours a week, sometimes more hours. And as far as losing weight---anyone who wants to do it can do it. It's 75% diet and 25% exercise.
 
#39 ·
Have you discussed this with your wife in a loving manner?

The problem you have is that since you made it obvious you resent her even if she were to decide to get into shape she'll likely never forget your attitude and it will effect how much she wants you.

That's why it's so important to discuss things like this in a loving manner before you start getting mad about it.

Do you even know what your wife thinks about her level of fitness? Does it bother her?

Is there any chance she doesn't actually want sex with you and thus ignores the weight so you'll leave her alone?
 
#40 ·
"Do you even know what your wife thinks about her level of fitness? Does it bother her?"

This is a good question, but I would submit that the answer lies in whether or not she does something about it. I mean, isn't it reasonable to surmise that if something bothers someone, and there's a way to change it(diet and exercise), and if there are no efforts to change it, then it really doesn't bother her. There are plenty of people who simply do not care or wish to put forth the effort to maintain a reasonable body weight, and that's certainly ok. I am not trying to be difficult, I am just being honest. And no, that's not the issue at all, her not wanting to have sex with me.
 
#41 ·
There are no issues of infidelity, porn, or anything of that matter. We have a clean slate as it pertains to that.
Congratulations on the above^^^. That's always a biggie to me. I believe that when a spouse (usually the H, but not *always*) looks to porn for stimulation and inspiration; it can cause the wife to feel like "why bother, I can never measure up to that kind of standard or expectation".


So, that possibility out of the way; I feel for you. I absolutely agree that we should maintain our attractiveness to the best of our abilities. Normal aging notwithstanding.

Note, she gets to have a fit spouse whenever she has sex. Don't know if that's a factor here. But some folks do feel entitled to an attractive mate; without putting in any effort to maintain their own bodies. Maybe she doesn't care either way. But if you gained bunch of weight, do you think she'd notice? Does she remark on any aspect of your appearance.?
 
#42 ·
It's not always as simple as thinking that if it bothered her she'd do something about it.

I'm saying this as one who's going to put in 45 miles this week, so you know I'm not projecting.

Losing weight can be a very daunting task, and when a person feels terrible about themselves it can be hard to get motivated.

Factor in a spouse that's obviously angry and resentful, thus sending the message that you're disgusting, and that can make motivation even harder to find. It's akin to fat shaming, which often has the opposite mental effect of what was intended.

As I've said before, I understand why a lot of weight gain would bother you. If my hb put on a lot of weight I wouldn't like it either.

So I'll ask again: have you had a frank but loving discussion with her? Have you asked her if there's a fitness class she'd like to attend while you stay with the kids? Are you cooking or suggesting healthy meals and what is her response?

I still feel like you're penalizing her without actually having made clear how you feel about this.
 
#44 ·
It's not always as simple as thinking that if it bothered her she'd do something about it.

I'm saying this as one who's going to put in 45 miles this week, so you know I'm not projecting.

Losing weight can be a very daunting task, and when a person feels terrible about themselves it can be hard to get motivated.

Factor in a spouse that's obviously angry and resentful, thus sending the message that you're disgusting, and that can make motivation even harder to find. It's akin to fat shaming, which often has the opposite mental effect of what was intended.

.
Yes, exactly! It isn't just as simple as "if this bothers me I would do something about it". When a person feels terrible about themselves or how they look (or both), summoning any sort of motivation to get fit or eat right is impossible.

It is a form of hopelessness and a "why bother because I'm ugly and it won't make any difference anyway."
 
#50 ·
Thanks again to everyone for the comments, and Merry Christmas evening to all🎄.

This evening, less than an hour ago, I talked with my wife. I told her that it was important that I was honest with her. Essentially, I told her that I wanted to want her, and that, due to her not taking care of herself, that the passion that we once had is diminishing, and has been for awhile. I told her that I was concerned that she wasn't taking care of herself, not sleeping enough, not eating as healthy as she should, and not having time to exercise, as well as do the other things that she likes. She stated that she needs me to love her unconditionally, and I said that my love for her IS unconditional. Nothing could ever change that. Whether she weighed 500 lbs or 120 lbs, that doesn't change. But I tried to express to her that my DESIRE for her is affected by whether or not she takes care of herself. I cannot help that. I want to want HER, no one else, and I want her to want me to want her, if that makes sense. It makes me feel like she doesn't care if I want her or not when she doesn't take care of herself(I didn't tell her this last part). I told her that I will do everything in my power to provide her with time to take care of herself, whether that means sleep or exercise or just getting out of the house. I understand that she needs time just for herself. It was a difficult conversation, but I think it went pretty well. I'm glad we talked. Now, it's up to me to put my money where my mouth is and support her while allowing her to take care of herself, and it's up to her to make any lifestyle changes in response to our conversation. We'll see what happens.
 
#58 ·
Thanks again to everyone for the comments, and Merry Christmas evening to all🎄.

This evening, less than an hour ago, I talked with my wife. I told her that it was important that I was honest with her. Essentially, I told her that I wanted to want her, and that, due to her not taking care of herself, that the passion that we once had is diminishing, and has been for awhile. I told her that I was concerned that she wasn't taking care of herself, not sleeping enough, not eating as healthy as she should, and not having time to exercise, as well as do the other things that she likes. She stated that she needs me to love her unconditionally, and I said that my love for her IS unconditional. Nothing could ever change that. Whether she weighed 500 lbs or 120 lbs, that doesn't change. But I tried to express to her that my DESIRE for her is affected by whether or not she takes care of herself. I cannot help that. I want to want HER, no one else, and I want her to want me to want her, if that makes sense. It makes me feel like she doesn't care if I want her or not when she doesn't take care of herself(I didn't tell her this last part). I told her that I will do everything in my power to provide her with time to take care of herself, whether that means sleep or exercise or just getting out of the house. I understand that she needs time just for herself. It was a difficult conversation, but I think it went pretty well. I'm glad we talked. Now, it's up to me to put my money where my mouth is and support her while allowing her to take care of herself, and it's up to her to make any lifestyle changes in response to our conversation. We'll see what happens.
Why did you not tell her the bolded?

You need to tell her everything, OP. That is what transparent means.
 
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