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Men and sex

9K views 73 replies 36 participants last post by  aine 
#1 ·
Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!
 
#53 ·
In a regular marriage, without intimacy, it's not a relationship, it's roommates. If you don't want to be intimate with your spouse, then free them. It's not always physical intimacy and it's not always sex, but if you don't want any sort of physical intimacy, then it's isn't a marriage and you aren't in "love" with them.

If you've been cheated on, clearly you have intimacy issues. But if they persist, then clearly you don't want to be with them anymore. There are a lot of extenuating circumstances that alter the basic premise.
 
#55 ·
My STBX was a serial cheater and I believe he also had a sex addiction, but his love language was definitely words of affirmation. Sex to him was all about getting off but he actually avoided emotional connection - but, he needed multiple partners to feel desirable - one woman was not enough. On the other hand, he constantly needed to be told I loved him and thought highly of him and he needed that praise from others in his life to feel good about himself. I believe in his case both his need for unemotional sex and for words of praise come from CSA and emotional abuse by his FOO.

OP, what was your H's childhood like?
 
#58 ·
For those who didn't go back a year and read the old situation. He was home early with another woman. No specified actions. This happened the Day after they fought over her Text flirting with a co-worker.

The most troublesome thing here is that she is getting nothing out of sex since the last Childbirth. Whether she keeps the "Cheating Horn Dog" (CHD) or not, she needs to talk with a Doctor about that. I'll stand by my previous advice. This is a mess that needs professional help, but may still be unfix-able.
 
#59 ·
Men usually learn all about hand-holding, snuggling, and sex in that order!

Since sex is the most exhilarating of those three, whenever we come to experience it, It preeminently goes to "the head of the class!"

For the vast majority of men, the promise of physicality makes us romantic! For most women, the promise of an emotional connection gets them in the mood for sex!

And while we are physically as well as emotionally different, we're working toward a common goal ~ we just take different paths in finally getting there!
 
#65 ·
Quick sex lesson. Sex releases a hormone named Oxytocin. It's job is to emotionally bond a couple together, create intimacy. It is the same hormone that bonded you to your children so you have some idea of how powerful and important it is. I could tell the difference when our sex life started to fade away. I did what I had read from a sex therapist. We scheduled one or two sex nights each week. Attendance was mandatory no matter how tired or not in the mood we were. Sex was not mandatory though as long as we laid next to each other naked. Sooner than later we began to make out and before we knew it, we were having sex again. Our nightly good nights turned into kisses good night. My wife started to wear something sex later at night and I offered her massages. Sex is one of those things that the more you have, the more you want to. Stop having sex and you will not benefit from Oxytocin's effects. Some call it the cuddle hormone because one of its effects is responsible for wanting to cuddle after sex. To deny your marriage of this wonderful hormone's effects is like loving your child but not that into running your hand through his/her hair or even wanting to touch them. You still feel love for them but it lacks the physical love that we humans crave.

A hug can comfort someone. A kiss can excite and convey your love. Sex is very important to a marriage. Most do not understand the science of sex and its role in love and marriage. Sex is crucial to a marriage and what some call love is more like the love we have for a family member. It is really love but lacks the physical aspect of love between a husband and wife. It does make a difference in my 44 year marriage. We are in our mid sixties and still have regular sex. We kiss before bedtime and I still chase her around the house. We are very close to each other and all of my wife's friends comment on how much in love we are. In contrast, they look like they are just good friends with their husbands, used to each other but without any sex anymore. They do love each other but it lacks the spark that a physical display of love takes plain love to a much higher level.
 
#67 ·
. I did what I had read from a sex therapist. We scheduled one or two sex nights each week. Attendance was mandatory no matter how tired or not in the mood we were. Sex was not mandatory though as long as we laid next to each other naked. Sooner than later we began to make out and before we knew it, we were having sex again.
Yes! And probably a key reason behind why you began having sex again! As soon as you turn sex into an obligation, duty, responsibility, chore, it becomes...lifeless. If you take sex (or at least, the 'goal' of an orgasm) off of the table, you remove the pressure. You start sharing intimacy, which can lead to sex.

As for the oxytocin, I'm still on the fence about how much of a role it plays in 'bonding' a couple together. After all, if this was true for EVERYONE, prostitutes would "bond" with their johns, and men would 'bond' with the first FWB they had.

Don't see that happening. Plus, even having sex with my late husband 2-3 times a day didn't do anything to 'bond' me to him. I felt more 'bonded' to other people I had sex with than to him.

Plus, what about the people who seem to be having GREAT sex with their spouses, but CHEAT on them anyway?
 
#71 ·
Sex is actually more emotional for men, than women. Sex is not just something that's fun to do... like going to the movies.

A man's sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband. Men are told women, as a rule, like sex and his spouse shouldn’t have to muster up enthusiasm to be intimate with him. Men also believe, without question, women marry men they love. Women marry men they are sexually attracted to. Women marry men they sexually desire. When his wife rejects him sexually, he feels unworthy and unloved.

Men, eventually learn that wives who honestly believe they hate sex aren’t being honest with themselves. They just hate it with their husband. Men also come to realize that a wife who wants to sleep with her husband will find a way. There is no “too busy” or “the kids might hear” or “I have to get up early tomorrow”. There is only passion and desire and enthusiasm to be naked with each other.
 
#73 ·
No all men do not need sex to feel loved but most people need to feel like our partner cares about the things that are very important to us.

What things are important to you? Does he know what those things are and is he trying to meet them? You mentioned that you're committed to him an the marriage so I speculate that one of your needs is to know that he's also committed to you and the marriage. Do you think he is? If so then there is one example of him meeting one of your needs. If not then maybe you don't trust him and it's causing issues that are spilling over to intimacy.
 
#74 ·
Lillies, this is a very valid question but under the circumstances it is the wrong question.

You ought to be asking how you are going to rid yourself of your good for nothing WH who cheats on you (could give you a STD) and yet you are all concerned about meeting his sexually needs. Consider what you should be doing to meet your own needs and the needs of your kids and let this loser go.
 
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