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Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

61K views 187 replies 54 participants last post by  wmn1 
#1 ·
My wife moved out 2 months ago into a condo she bought.(small inheritance..her mom died 3 years ago) She said she needed space and wasn't sure why she needed it...she just wanted to be alone. We have a child together and he likes having two places to stay but it is tough on him. We don't fight and talk daily. After reading all the things not to do after one's spouse leaves (i.e crying in front of her, writing letters of love, long texts etc) I have given her the space she wanted....although I said her the odd email or text about what she means to me. She said there isn't anyone else and that she just needed to get away from everything and felt overwhelmed. I have asked her to see a marriage councilor but she hates talking to people about her problems and has refused. I just started reading about "The 180" and find it hard to do because I see her almost daily and talk to her everyday as our child needs someone around before and after school. We have no set schedule as our jobs don't allow it so my son stays here some days and at my wife's other days. She doesn't ever really invite me over to her place (she says its because she knows it upsets me) which I suppose it does because she went from an inflatable mattress on the floor to having it semi furnished in those 2 months (i.e bedroom set for her and my son, couch, t.v..etc). I invite her over for dinner whenever it works out, so she eats at the house a few nights a week. We spent Christmas together and I showered her with presents, but nothing romantic or very expensive, just small stuff I knew she wanted.
So, back to the 180. How do I not come off looking cold or disinterested when I see her all the time? She knows I am lonely without her as I have told her as much a few times while feeling really down which she tells me kills her cause she doesn't mean to hurt me. We have always been each others best friend and have never really been overly social outside of our relationship. We have had our ups and downs in our relationship but I never saw this coming.....a month before she left we were looking for a bigger house to buy.
I miss her terribly and have been very understanding and patient through this process and told her I loved her and I would be here whenever she needed me...and have been when she becomes down or whatever. Some days I get the vibe she misses me and other days she is very cold. She has dealt with depression throughout her life so I am just still trying to help. Not sure if there was a question in there, but just was wondering if anyone else had some advice for me.
I have tried to get myself right and improve while she has been away...joined a gym, stopped drinking(never an issue), working on quiting smoking. I have kept our house spotless as it keeps me busy and I know she likes a clean house...But the emptiness I feel is sometimes overwhelming. I figured she is having a mid life crisis(early 40's) but I just don't know where to begin with this. She has not moved much out of the house, just what she needs, half her clothes, toiletries, jewelry....etc. We really can't afford 2 places but are getting by. We still have a joint account which our pay cheques go into and still use each others work benefits. Anyone have any experiences like this and could give me some advice it would really help.thx
 
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#101 ·
I understand, and you are wise to do exactly as YOU think is right.
You know the situation better than I do.
Realize, though, that moving out and buying/furnishing a house and moving in and going no contact with you are totally different things.
Renting isn't permanent, buying is.

She isn't as confused as you think. She bought a house. That's not confusion---- that's goodbye.

What she is doing to you is so cruel, it's a real shame.

I truly hope you are right and she comes back a new person.

I have to ask, have you done any checking whatsoever to make sure you are the only man in her life?

If not, you are sticking your head in the sand. Don't. BE paranoid, just check. You need to have no doubt. The way things are demands doubt from a logical perspective.
 
#105 ·
Reminds me of the movie "6th sense"......
They only see what they Wanna see....

He sees what he wants to see---
A wife who says she loves and misses him (she misses him????? Wth, she bought a home and moved out!!!)
He believes her because he still loves her and she once loved him... understandable but....

She needs some space and moved out.... yeah, she needs a few miles and locked doors between him and her--- she "loves and MISSES him".
That's freaking cruel as hell of her to say. Obvious manipulation.

Facts: she spent her inferitance on a new home and new furniture--- a new LIFE.

She doesn't communicate with OP at all, except to deal with kids and check to see if he's still on the hook.

It's been over two months.

She is absolutely cut him out of her life and every day that goes by, she's learning to be happy without OP.

I can't tell him what to do. He's the one that has the most info to make the decision.

But if it were me, I'd be planning on a life without her. I'd check on the OM thing-- no husband wants to believe his wife is cheating. That would help him detach if she were.
I'd get a lawyer.
I'd start planning weekends with friends. I'd force myself to meet new people, especially other women.
That way, if she comes back it's a bonus, if she doesn't, he isn't crushed.

In truth, every sign points to her moving on.
Never believe what a wife that's checked out of the marriage says. Believe what they do. It's a lesson I learned the hard way.
What she is doing paints a very clear picture to me.
 
#107 ·
Hi Canada75, now about the house. I can relate since my mother died and left me a large chunk of cash. At the time my then H was going through a downard spiral, wasn't working huge health problems, and I didn't know at the time, but he was cheating left and right (I was pretty dumb). I bought us a house. He could not qualify for the mortgage but I could. So I put the house in both names and only my name was on the note. I wanted him to believe it was our family home. Less than a year later, when I found out what he had been doing, he wanted half the house, or rather he wanted me to give him half the house in cash. Nope. I could trace it back to my separate funds and I didn't lose that. I paid him one-half of the equity that had accumulate in that year. My family was 100% against me putting his name on the deed, but at the time I was trying to support the H. Spouses do that, until..

When someone tells you that don't want you around, believe them.
I'm really sorry you are going through this, it hurts, its confusing. It is not terminal. I encourage you to keep posting and all kinds of people here will help you work through what ever issues arise. You really aren't alone.
 
#108 ·
Go forward with divorce. Separation is just prolonging the inevitable and gives her legal permission to date and fvck around. File for D now, and if down the road she wakes up and decides she wants you and wants to work to save the marriage, you can always have the petition dismissed. But if you don't file for divorce now, and you do find out that she is sleeping around, you will be that much more behind and unable to free yourself from her and move on and heal. And you will wait, and wait, and wait....

You are allowing yourself to slip and slide and wallow in the mudpit. Get out of there.
 
#111 ·
Why is it a bad law? Gives the couple an opportunity to cool down, and possibly avoid a divorce due to hasty decisions, but probably more importantly may save on litigation because the couple might have cooled down enough so that they won't be easy bait for unethical greedy attorneys who know how to play their clients against them. The 1 year period may allow for mediation or at least give them an opportunity to work out an amicable settlement that simply needs to be stamped by a judge.

Just because they aren't officially divorce doesn't mean their live has to be on hold, and odds are a person will need a year to process everything before they get back out there and get involved with someone new.

Not seeing a downside. Although I get that in cases where one party is completely at fault, due to cheating, or drug abuse, or criminal behavior, or physical abuse, the other party just wants to get away as fast as they can. But again, putting the divorce off for a year doesn't prevent them from living their own life and making the 1 year law "contingent on circumstances" just makes it complicated because then you'd have to do hearing to determine fault and all of that.
 
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#112 ·
I'm surprised no one has brought this up but a really good indicator of what has been going on is your sex life. How has it been in the last few years and why. How often did you have sex in the last few years? Who was the instigator? Has there been any changes in frequency, techniques etc. in the recent times? Has she changed any personal habits, personal grooming, activities, friends, going out, fitness, weight, exercise, weight, phone usage, passwords, Facebook, working late, leaving early etc. Have you checked her phone bill to see if there are numbers that stand out and verified who the numbers belong to?

How do you know she really is depressed? Is t it odd to be depressed but not want to get treatment for getting rid of it?

Btw, depression figures into a great deal of the infidelity threads here? You can consider depression as a huge red flag. If possible put a GPS on her car.

What's the point of waiting on a wife that very well may be playing you while loving on another man/men? If you find out she isn't cheating great. If she is would you still want her,would you want to wait on her to see if she figures out you are better than her lover or he dumps her. I personally would want to get on with my new life rather than waiting around wasting my life away.
 
#114 ·
Just a guess here, Chap : She'll want him to stay in limbo, keep dangling on that hook. Right now, he's plan B.

Can't have him finding someone else and filing.
 
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#117 ·
Haven't been on in awhile as nothing really new. As far as I know there is no one else. Came to a head last Saturday with her telling me she doesn't think she will be back. She said she is going through a crisis and can't deal with anything. Has cut her one friend off as she can't deal with her life problems as well. I said you have just locked yourself in this condo and the only person you let in your bubble is our son. She said she knows but is alright with that. I said you keep telling me "I don't think" "I don't Know" "I'm not sure" and said I have been living in limbo for over 2 months and you haven't told me anything. I asked again if she has been seeing anyone or in any kind of relationship and again the answer was no. I pushed a bit more and she said I don't want you to live in limbo. I asked does that mean it is over and she said yes. I got up and said great, thanks for telling me and walked out as she called my name out.
Next day she dropped my son off and I told her we need to get a lawyer to figure our finances out and she already knew of a place that did separation arbitration in town. I said I will pack her stuff up in boxes and she can pick it up. She called my bluff and asked if she could take a few things now....I said no, not now. I went right back in to denial.
Texted her on the Monday and just said hi.
We texted a bit and she finally said I don't really know what to say to you. I love you and like talking to you, but that is all I can seem to handle at the moment:) That was her smiley face, not mine. Since then, no mention of what went on over the weekend.
Crushed all of Sunday, happy as can be Monday when she told me she loved me....which I knew, but was nice to hear.

I understand what it seems like looking in from the outside, but she is going through a very emotional crisis of some sort and she is the mother of my child. I will wait, and do what it takes to try and make it work. I love her, and if I thought there was someone else I would see a lawyer, but you don't know her and don't see what I do. She is too fuc*ed at the moment to get involved with someone else. That being said, we will see where the next few weeks go and see if she brings up getting her stuff again.
I will keep you updated.
 
#126 ·
I know the automatic response of many is that she is cheating or wanting to cheat however it could also be a mid life crisis of sort - this happens to may women when they are about to hit menopause.

How old is your wife? I would suggest if she is above 40 that you read as much as you can on perimenopause and menopause it can be a very uncertain and trying time for a marriage.

Your best bet is to remain calm, proceed with a lawyer, let her know you will not be kept hanging around, that you love her but are willing to let her go is she refuses to reengage in the marriage.

She should get IC to sort her feelings and you both ought to consider MC before you consider divorcing, but there has to be a clear deadline in place so that you can do what you need to do.

There is lots of stuff on the internet about peri-menopause and marriage.

Example
Will Your Marriage Survive Menopause? | HealthyWomen
 
#120 ·
Doing the wrong things to get her back will cost him this marriage. Not necessarily a bad thing. She's either mental and won't get help or more likely she has another love and that's even worse. Her emotional outbursts are likely to be guilt. She knows one thing though and she doesn't want you.

Tell your lawyer you want her evaluated before she can be alone with your son. If she's mental she very well could be dangerous. Stop acting like you know her.
 
#119 ·
Just go no contact as much as possible.

She's still stringing you along although she says you're done.

Was she always this manipulative?
 
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#125 ·
I'm done getting involved in her affairs....so to speak. Not my problem. I am polite and friendly but I am done asking questions, done telling her what she means to me, done trying to get her back. I am just taking care of me....and my son. After that, not much. We will see what the future holds, together as a family or apart. I want the former but at this point it isn't up to me. If by chance I meet someone along the way, so be it. Everything happens for a reason. I don't see my self growing old with anyone else, but we will see. I'm in a holding pattern I suppose, a self imposed holding pattern. I could go get all the lawyers I want, break things off and get on with things but I'm not close to that at the moment and I am fine with that. Got my son, my dog, my house and a good job....there is only one part missing and that will resolve itself one way or another.
 
#141 ·
Canada75, I mentioned perimenopause/menopause and you seem to have let that one slip by. Have you considered it at all? It can play havoc with marriages, relationships and for some women it can be sheer hell. She doesn't know whether she is coming or going.

Too often the medical community put it down to depression, etc and hope to treat it with Xanax, etc. Husbands think wives are just being difficult. She sounds like a prime candidate.
 
#143 ·
If she is have depression and mental issues, she *COULD* be a danger to your son.

This could be an exit situation. As buying a condo *IS NOT* a way to spend a while to sort things out. Going to her sisters for a week or so = sorting things out. By doing this, and going for divorce... this creates the "break up" which would allow a respectable new MAN in her life to come along.

This is why it IS important to know for sure if SHE IS cheating on you or not. Cheaters may sometimes cut-off friends who are against the affair. If you don't bother to find out, and 3 months from now - you find out she just happened to start dating Donald, marketing VP. Well, it's not cheating since you are divorcing. But then you may always wonder. Then your son is hanging around this guy who might have broken up your marriage. Because Donald is making good money and while its okay for him to date a co-worker, it would get him fired if he's having an affair with a married woman. HUGE DIFFERENCE!

When my wife was cheating on me. She was at tears "I don't know what's going on in my head. I'm trying to work things out" and things got worse.

Ask yourself... Do you want your child, being co-raised by the guy who helped break your marriage? If she just has a mental issue, can it be dangerous? Therapy should be a requirement of some sort.
If any of this concerns you, then you'll need to be sure and then we'll help you find out.

PS: Its also possible that she had an affair with someone, who won't go to the next level with you married to her. So he puts her on PAUSE until divorce process starts. So she moves out and is torn between two worlds in her own limbo. Hence, you'll need to do research months before the move-out. Think people don't do thing kind of thing? You'll be surprised.

Her words have little value... just as it was odd for her to move out. These are red flags.
 
#145 ·
By the way, do you have a copy of the 180? Some of the points of the 180 that seem so minor are actually the most important, for example not discussing the relationship with her and being cheerful and good natured around her. She needs to believe you are doing great and getting along just fine. Treat her like a friendly postman but impersonal. Her problems are no longer your concern.
 
#148 · (Edited)
Check!!
Was just re-reading it and I am doing most of them if not all of them. I do send her a small text once in awhile but just to say hi and sometimes that is all I say....or about our son. Other then that, I am just putting all the effort I use to put towards trying to get her back and shifted it all to my son. We have tried new things together and have a great time every weekend. I was actually shocked that I do pretty much all of them. It is hard, but that is when I call a friend instead of her.
 
#151 ·
I wish all the depression excuse psychobabble were true. That this is just something that can be fixed and you get your wife back.
It doesn't work like that for anyone else, it won't work for you.

You are absolutely in denial of reality. Every man who has had this happen goes into denial. You don't want your whole future, your dreams of a family to be totally f'd up. Who would?

The only thing you can do is move on with your life totally, in every way. Call it the 180 if it makes you feel better. Force yourself to forget her. I don't think she will ever be back. But if she does have feelings for you, the only thing that will ever change her mind is the thought of losing you, and the reality of it actually happening. You can't change her mind. She has to change it. They so rarely change their minds, it's not even worth talking about.

You don't want to hear this, but any hope you have of acing your marriage is what will keep you miserable, and prevent saving it.

Give up the hope, and start hoping for a NEW future, NEW dreams. This will get you healthy and more in control of your own feelings and life. You being mentally healthy might attract her back. But don't think about it that way. Get healthy by moving on, and you can better handle whatever becomes of your marriage.

Are you willing to give up hope?
No? Then you are screwing yourself in the worst way possible.

You have to give it up, bro. Really.
 
#154 ·
o.k, So what happens when she texts me next? I did a few weeks of no contact and nothing really happened. Then we seemed to get right back into texting again. My last text she thanked me for being there for her and I basically said I will always be there for you and she could lean on me while going through difficult times in life. I know....I know it makes no sense as I hold her hand while she is leaving me......and I know I can't nice her back.... But how do I just go back to no contact after saying that to her....silly question I know. If she asks whats going on, or if everything is o.k...what do I say....nothing. Or do I just say I'm done being there for you while you are leaving me...do I say I've given up hope on you coming back and have no more faith and am ready to move on....Or do I say I'm done and want to proceed with your plan on seeking a separation agreement. I'm confused....My birthday is next week and I already told her not to buy me anything which she already did, I saw it while picking my son up and I took it home with me. I said thank you but please don't buy me anything else. Texts are one thing, what about phone calls. She may be calling about our son....voicemail I suppose. I'm trying to wrap my head around everything, and am trying to come to terms of it ending but find it hard not to care....or to give up hope. If it goes ahead, it will ruin us financially which she doesn't seem to understand.
I may have to sell the house as I can't afford it on my own. So there is a lot to care about.......fu*k this sucks.
I know she has treated me like sh*t, and i should start getting angry about that......alright....let's do this.
Will keep you updated!!
 
#155 ·
Don't answer her texts. Your her emotional crutch, when she wants, you run to her. When her emotional needs are met it's right back to her living her own life. All these Lil texts just keep you attached and strung along and aren't productive to repairing your marriage. It's just her making sure you aren't going anywhere.

It's not your job to be at her beck and call or your job to "win" her back.
 
#157 ·
Tell her that you have realized you need to detach and heal, that you cannot do that while in personal contact with her, and that she should only contact you when it has to o with the children and business matters related to the separation. Then you simply stop answering any text that isn't to do with those 2 things.
 
#158 ·
Keep it short and business like. Reread the advice you got here. Does the 180 say something about always being there? In other words you hanging on like snot on a door knob.

If it comes up good naturedly tell her your sure her next boyfreind will take good care of her.

You simply don't understand that she can't miss you if your hanging on or that people want what they can't have. On top of that it helps you disconnect from someone that doesn't want you but enjoys stringing you along.

Assume she already has someone (it at least explains things and he's probably married man b her actions) and they are laughing at your attempts to break up their true love.
 
#159 · (Edited)
At the moment you are giving such mixed messages.

I would say, 'please don't contact me again unless its urgent and about our son and it cant wait till we exchange visitation'.
When you see her to collect your son, keep it as short as possible, polite but distant and don't offer any more.

When my husband and his ex were separated and she was divorcing him, she kept on contacting him about all sorts of things, expecting him to help her out and do things for her. In the end he had to be firm and say no more contact unless it was an emergency concerning their sons.
In your case you could say this and add, 'or unless you want to come home'. You are enabling her behaviour at the moment.
 
#160 ·
#162 ·
O.k....her is a new one. I have noticed her missing me hence the texts back and fourth and she seems to be coming around I'll be it slowly. But I will keep it no contact for the time being.
When we talked last week she said if I wanted our son to stay over on her scheduled day that would be o.k as it was my birthday. I said whatever she thought, but whatever she decided I wanted to pick him up and go out for dinner with him. I can either drop him off after or he can stay with me.
She called about 30 mins ago (i have my son today), I didn't pick up. 10 mins later she texted me asking if she could join us for my birthday dinner. Keep in mind I feel she is slowly coming around....I know....I know but I feel almost scared to say no. Obviously I want her there, but I know I need to try and stick with the NC. Any thoughts on a reply text?? Should I ask her why she wants to come??
What to do, what to do. Like I said one step forward two steps back. I have not been angry or harsh with her so any response should be civil please.
 
#174 · (Edited)
If she is beginning to miss you(and isn't just bored and lonely), then you playing it cool and saying no to this will surely make her miss you more.

You could just say, 'I need to get used to being on my own with him so that's not a good idea'. or 'our son needs to get used to the fact that we are no longer together'.
 
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