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Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

684K views 1K replies 129 participants last post by  No Longer Lonely Husband 
#1 · (Edited)
Hi I'm Cameron or you can call me Cam whatever you prefer. I'm 42 years old and have three kids two dogs and a faithful loyal wife, HA. Tried to make a joke I guess but on to the story, I'm actually really hurting.

So basically my wife and I have been together since we were 20 and we got married 24. Our marriage has been pretty good so far, we barely argued had an active sex life and have great kids. Neither of us smoke, neither of us are alcoholics and both of us are physically fit/healthy. Our intimacy and sex life has dwindled for the last few years I attribute that to stress from our jobs, us getting older and marriage being more routine. Basically were both at fault for that part, our communication should have been better. Our bedroom certainly wasn't dead but the intimacy wasn't like when we were newlyweds. I blame our communication for that too.

On to the story, so my wife 41 female, has been having an "emotional affair" with her co-worker who is also married. A week ago a mutual friend spotted my wife and this dude out on a date basically and texted me about it. The mutual friend is actually more of her friend and is also female, it was a fairly nice restaurant and it looked pretty weird to her to see my wife who is married out with this man. She also noted that they were holding hands, how ****ing cute. She told me and I confronted my wife when she got home (5 days ago). I asked for the full details of the affair but she cried and said it will just hurt me even more.

Basically she has been having an emotional/sexting affair with this co worker for 6 months. I would of never suspected her having an affair, but she was certainly texting her girlfriends a lot and laughing. She's apart of a group chat with her friends so I was naive as hell. I was devastated when she admitted it she also didn't admit it right away. She told me we felt more like roommates than lovers and this jackass just made her feel so special inside (probably literally) as well. Throughout her affair she wasn't cold or that distant to me, she was still very loving and affectionate towards me and we still had sex. You're telling me this ******* is wining and dining my wife and he's not getting any? Yeah right.

The wife was the most kindest, sweetest, loyal person who I thought adored me and I did her. All our friends think we have one of the best marriages out of all of them. Wife is swearing up and down nothing happened between them, she is what I read tickle truthing me. She didn't even admit to the sexting until I pushed for it. I'm incredibly angry with her and have been sleeping in separate beds, when I look at her I feel physically sick. I've been as cold as ice towards her and the kids have started to take notice. I also broke down and said how could you ****ing do this to me? I shouldn't have done this but I was in so much shock and still am, I cry in private now though. She also flipped out on me when I called her a cheating *****, I've never called her a ***** ***** **** **** ever. She said "See you don't give a **** about me anymore you ****ing ****". Coming from the cheating partner oh the irony.

I have read about 180s and trying to make it look like I don't care and that's what I've been doing so far. Does anyone have experience with this? She said she doesn't want a divorce but she's so confused and she does have strong feelings for the AP. I have alerted his wife by the way. She's saying she won't text him anymore and I think she needs to quit her job. Also I very doubt their affair was just emotional. She's also saying she doesn't want a divorce. I'm absolutely devastated and am trying hard to hide it, I've also been going hard at the gym. No one knows except her friend and me and other mans wife.

Should I divorce? (she said she doesn't want one) Should I reconcile? Over the past 5 days she's seemed remorseful and not at the same time, if that makes sense? This is a woman who was so proud of our relationship and what we have built together, it's now all just destroyed. She told me she's sorry that she did this and she's sorry that I don't believe that it's not just emotional. I've lost my appetite and don't know what to do anymore, please help.

Also a friend of mine knows, I asked him for help on what I should do and he redirected me here and told me all about the 180 and not to make the same mistakes he made.
 
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#236 ·
I think distance would help you clear your head and make a reasonable and sound decision. If your wife shows remorse and is willing to go to counseling to figure out why she did this, then choosing to R isn't a bad thing. But, it will harder on you to R than to D.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk
 
#237 ·
Cam42

This may seem harsh with all that you are going through, but I sincerely do not intend this to be harsh. Your statement of "guys I don't think I can do this" has to end. Your emotions and thought process are very volital at the moment. These emotions, feelings, and unrest will pass. But you will do it, you will make a choice, and that choice is made by you for what is best for you. Do not wallow in pity, instead grieve the death of your marriage.

Cam42, many things are going to feel insurmountable at the moment, but you will get through this. I couldn't see any light either, I was totally lost, and that's a bad feeling to have. Trust in yourself, heal yourself, put your marriage on the back burner. The feelings of grief, sadness, hopelessness, doubt, and confusion are normal. You need time and space for these feelings to begin to diminish. Humiliation you are feeling is going to be crushing. As you heal yourself these will all begin to diminish. This is when your thought process will begin to start working again. But it takes time. You are in no rush to decide, I'm not allocating for reconciliation or divorce, that is your decision solely. Best of luck.
 
#241 ·
Have her tell the kids why she is going to stay and grandma's house.

And she has to prove to you that she is not cheating while you are separated.

She still does not show remorse. She is talking, but has she told the OM's family and started to protect you instead of the OM?

Has she stopped all contact and is he gone from the workplace?

If she is still working with him, she has not stopped contact.

I do not think that this is her first A. She will do this again. Have her leave, you can still see the kids that way.
 
#242 ·
I agree with giving it time.
I don't agree with not filing.

He needs to send a very clear message by ACTION to his wife: infidelity won't be tolerated. And that can only be done by filing for divorce. We all agree he needs to get away from the wife for a while.
IF OP wants any chance of reconciling, then he needs to make clear consequences of what the results of infidelity are to him. I think she'll cheat again anyway. She hasn't even tried to blameshift him. This is clearly all on her. If he wasn't a pretty darned good husband, she'd be blameshifting and making him feel like this was all his fault I see no evidence of that. Is it a good thing for her wanting to reconcile that they had a pretty good marriage? Yes. However, if he was a pretty good husband and she still cheated........................
What's he going to do to get her not to cheat? Be a bad husband?

Regardless of what OP wants, he'd better file for divorce. There's a huge chance that the OP will be forced to divorce anyway, because it's obvious she is not in love with the OP. If he files now and gets things done when she might actually have some guilt, he might get a decent divorce agreement. Once she's over the guilt, she will start to blameshift for sure, and then the fair divorce is completely out the window.

I find the absence of emotion over the texts troubling as to the reality of this. If he saw texts, he'd likely want to drop off some comments on here that were particularly eating away at his soul. I know I did. OP has barely mentioned the texts.

I hope OP is real and that he is getting help. I agree that a he needs professional help to get over this truly traumatizing, life-altering betrayal.
 
#243 ·
Cam,

I have been thinking about your situation all morning. Somewhat similar to mine. A suggestion for you is to ask your WW one question, that being "Why"? The when she gives answers keep probing her with questions. Strongly recommend is a polygraph as one member of the thread provided you with the questions to ask. I would add one to that list. "Do you love LH?" That is solely for the purpose of really putting her on the hot seat. That is one of the eight questions I had the gentlemen ask my wife. I did it for shock value.

Next, I for several days, kept a list of why I should reconcile and why I should divorce. Every day I would update the list based on how I was feeling. It was a tremendous help just to get my thoughts out of my head and on paper. It helped me get to a point of clarity where I could think and analyze my options.

I think you have been reminded, but do not do what I did and that is hit the liquor. Only makes things worse.Thankfully,I got my head out of my ass and focused more on getting in the best shape I could be in case I decided to D.

I would avoid her as much as possible and implement a 180 if she stays in the house. Sleep in separate rooms if you can. I hate to say it but I got much satisfaction letting my FWW know I would be just fine without her and I dressed her down like a recruit at Parris.
I did the opposite of what she would expect. However, she came around and realized what a stupid ass decision she made. I just celebrated my 31st anniversary last week. So keep your options open at this point in time. Your emotions are raw, you are hurting more than you ever have, and the worst thing you can do as I stated earlier is make a decision.

I would get divorce petition and related documentation drawn up by your legal counsel and consider having your wife served. This will put you in the drivers' seat. I had my documents drafted along with a property settlement and had my businesses valued to let my FWW the **** was going to hit the fan. I never had her served, but I let her know what I had prepared and it was on the ground of adultery. Looking back, I wish I had had my wife served. Should you decided to have papers served, be sure and let her mom know.

Good luck and stay strong and as my favorite person in history Sir Winston says, "When you are going through hell keep on going".
 
#253 ·
Cam,

I have been thinking about your situation all morning. Somewhat similar to mine. A suggestion for you is to ask your WW one question, that being "Why"?
The answer to that question is really just because they could and they wanted too. If it were any different then every woman in her situation whatever it was would cheat, most don't. Cheaters cheat because they can. Putting some other reason on it just makes it less traumatizing to the BS, because no one wants to live with someone who could do something so monstrous because they are selfish.

Plenty of people have family issues and never think of cheating. Many people have been cheated on and never think of cheating. Many people have spouses that abuse them and never cheat. Cheaters cheat because they are selfish and have poor boundaries, and really don't care who they hurt at the time. They know it's awful, why else would they keep it a secret.

OP and all BS are better off seeing it for what it is. At least it will take some of the bloom off the rose and keep them be more aware of what their WS is, and what they are capable of.
 
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#244 ·
First off I did not have the courage to read all of the texts even though the woman married to her affair partner had them all, it's something I think I didn't need to know. How am I supposed to show emotion on this here. I try not to look at the comments about it because it does hurt. She sexted him and told him she has feelings for him him, is that supposed to make me feel good? It makes me feel numb. Her and the other man did most of their conversation at work. They're co-workers remember. I haven't read every single text and don't want too. The other woman mostly just summarized everything while me looking at some texts and told me the most important ones. Why am I going to dwell on something that obviously hurts me?

She told me she loves me but I'd like her to take a polygraph as well seeing if that's true and if she has had any affairs in the past. The other man will be out of this job by Saturday. My wife has surprisingly agreed to spend a few days at her mothers house, she does not want to be away long though. I want to Reconcile, but this will probably end in a divorce.
 
#245 ·
First off I did not have the courage to read all of the texts even though the woman married to her affair partner had them all, it's something I think I didn't need to know. How am I supposed to show emotion on this here. I try not to look at the comments about it because it does hurt. She sexted him and told him she has feelings for him him, is that supposed to make me feel good? It makes me feel numb. Her and the other man did most of their conversation at work. They're co-workers remember. I haven't read every single text and don't want too. The other woman mostly just summarized everything while me looking at some texts and told me the most important ones. Why am I going to dwell on something that obviously hurts me?

She told me she loves me but I'd like her to take a polygraph as well seeing if that's true and if she has had any affairs in the past. The other man will be out of this job by Saturday. My wife has surprisingly agreed to spend a few days at her mothers house, she does not want to be away long though. I want to Reconcile, but this will probably end in a divorce.
Because it's the truth.

Ignore it at your peril.
 
#247 ·
Let's say there's a text in there along the lines of...

"Ugh. Husband just left for work. Gave me a kiss. Talk about disgusting. I swear if it weren't for these kids I'd be long gone."

You'd want to see that, right?
 
#249 ·
I'd like for them to be read at a counseling session with my wife present, she needs to understand the severity of what she did if were ever gonna get through this. Also what good is it for me to look at more messages of them sexting? I don't know what to ****ing know what they did with each other. I've read the worst ones, what the hell is the point of me to just read the fillers? I know the worst of what was said.

Edit : I'm not trying to be rude. I know you guys are right and want what's best for me. I do need to man up and read all of them. Perhaps when she leaves to her mothers.
 
#250 ·
I'd like for them to be read at a counseling session with my wife present,
She doesn't need the emails read to her, she already knows what they say... YOU'RE the one that needs that info and you need it now, not in a few weeks in front of some counselor that likely doesn't know squat about infidelity. This is YOUR life and YOU have valuable information that will affect the rest of YOUR life. You've already been cheated on ... don't cheat yourself, too.
 
#251 ·
The reason to read them is to see your wife's true colors.

You love your wife right. Could you do to her what she has done to you?

Your wife doesn't love you in the same way you love her. You love your kids, parents, friends and wife in different ways. Your wife loves you as a friend/roommate not as a lover. That was the OM's position.
 
#255 ·
Cam42

If you feel you can read the texts then do it, if you can't then don't. I say this because only you know what you can handle. If I were you I would read them. I needed to know all the details, but not everyone is this way. Arguments to read and not read the texts can go on forever, but only you know what you can handle.

As for your wife going to her moms house, ask her how long she is willing to go for. If she says two days then tell her a week. Tell her the minimum time you will allow is a week. If she begins to defend her decision tell her she just failed your first test. Remind her that she said she would don anything for the marriage, but that by arguing over how long she has also found a restriction as to how far anything is. Tell her anything is just that, tell her anything is also including to do what you need for you. If you want to crush her a little bit tell her she gave OM six months and can't give you a week. See what her response is to that.

Don't be afraid to show her your anger when it comes within reason. She needs to know you are angry, if you cry uncontrollably be sure she sees it two or three times. This is very humiliating to the wayward spouse, they see the consequence of their choice.

Whatever you eventually choose to do I'll try to help you. However, be sure you choose what is best for you and you only. As hard as this is to say the children are not first anymore, your well being is what has to come first. You can't care for others if you are not healthy.
 
#257 ·
@sokillme ; Your logic is ME centered. You are no different than his cheating wife. He is NOT like that yet and hopefully never will be. This makes him a good candidate for reconciliation. His wife may not be and that is what he needs the time for.

He needs to see that she can be all about the whole family, but she needs to love HIM to be successful. He is capable of forgiving, but it will take time. She is the problem, NOT him. He wants to reconcile; a good counselor can help him successfully navigate true forgiveness for his wife.

If, in time, she is genuinely remorseful and figures out that she does love her husband; then and only then does this marriage stand a chance.

Don't take me wrong. In my personal opinion, I would walk away. I knew I couldn't forgive the X because I NEVER saw true remorse. I didn't wait long enough and my gut was spot on in my decision. He gut wants to fight for the marriage. His wife wants that too even if it is for different reasons. The R card is available in this case.

Anyone that is going through this hell and the R card is offered and accepted by both parties, why not take it? There is little to lose as a whole family in giving this that chance and very much to gain. JMHO in this particular case.
 
#259 ·
There is a whole he11 of a lot to lose, such as daily happiness.

Here are are two post from long term sufferers who make my point for me. There is a GREAT DEAL to lose.

He is in shock and has no idea what he wants to do. He doesn't even know who his wife is yet and you are recommending R? Besides he can't fight for the marriage his wife has to. I mean what has shown you his wife wants to fight for the marriage because she says she is sorry and hugs him when he is crying? Is that really all it takes? With all due respect, I think you're the one with logic that is ME centered, you said so yourself you are pro marriage.

Right now OP should be focusing on healing and that is about all. He needs to separate emotionally from his wife. Then he can make an informed decision if he wants to R or not.

The question is not can they still have a marriage but what kind of marriage are they going to have. Right now it's way to soon to tell.
 
#258 ·
If I remember correctly, she kept up an active sex life with you. That is very unusual if she was in fact truly in love with the Posom. My thought is she was in it more for thrills and giggles. Even if she was professing her love for him in the texts. They could well have been playing each other. Polygraph.

In regards to you reading the texts, if his wife told you you had seen the worst of them I would take her at her word. Do what you want to with them, this is your show now.

Regarding crying in front of her. You tell her that unless she has been cheated on, she has no idea what pain she has caused you. Let her know the damage she has done to you, to your image of her and by hurting you under you her children. That if you do end up divorcing your children will know what she has done. Crying in front of her is generally believed to show weakness in husbands. Instead show her your steely resolve to not be fvcked with face. Show the kids and everyone else you happy, friendly face. Do not be mean or angry with her, be indifferent. Fake it till you make it.

Do you have a list of books she is or should be reading?

There are horror stories here about counselors. If they fit fine. If they don't find new ones. Both MCs and ICs can be worse than useless. You may even have PTSD. It's very common for betrayed spouses. For that you need EMDR with a qualified counselor.

Good luck and prayers.
 
#266 ·
That's all the texts were is sexting?
There was no discussion at all about the OP?

The part of the texts that I would be interested in were the comments about the OP that gave him insight to how she felt about the OP AT THAT TIME.
Because let's face it, if it weren't for getting caught and dumped by the OM, she'd still feel that way. IT"S HOW SHE REALLY FEELS.

How she really feels, without the pressure of losing her marriage and breaking up her family is what I'd believe. Not what she's spouting under the fear of divorce.

OP is ALREADY saying that he wants to reconcile, and he's not even read the texts and gotten the full story. I don't think that's wise. I wish he'd just wait things out and see how he feels in 6 months, preferably after staying separated from her for a while. Right now is not the time to make any decision.

Having a desire to reconcile is going to cause OP to do the WRONG THINGS like hysterical bond, forgive her too quickly, nice her back, let her rug sweep what she did, and the end result will be a wife that still has no respect for her husband and will cheat again.

If OP files and doesn't go running back in her open arms that have been wrapped around the OM for 6 months, she might develop a little respect for him. She will know he has more self-respect than to accept the **** sandwich she's dished out to him.

There is no hurry to reconcile, there's no hurry to divorce. Either path should start with divorce papers being served. She needs to know he is seriously angry, hurt, and ready to send her FLYING out the door.

OP, I wanted reconciliation as well. My ex wife wasn't interested. She wanted to chase other ****s, and told me so. Wanted a rich man that would treat her like a princess, and told me so. I tell you this because I would wish you had a chance for true reconciliation if it looked like it was possible. Maybe it will one day. NOT NOW. It looks like she is covering her ass and just wants her stable home that YOU provided and she didn't appreciate.
I don't have all the answers for you. But I can tell you that I firmly believe that once a woman falls out of love with a man, it rarely if ever comes back. And I believe that based on what you've said, your wife was in love with this other man, and therefore she can't possibly be in love with you so soon.

The regret and desire she is showing you is out of fear, not love. So my suggestion is that you don't even consider reconciling, especially letting her know you're considering it, until you are sure that she actually loves YOU and wants YOU.
 
#272 ·
You also don't want a partner who is their with you on the basis of penalty and the possibility of divorce, this is not any way to live. Seems that is what you got right now. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who wants to be with you because they love you? I mean true live not the fickle kind that finds a new port when live is busy.
 
#270 ·
OP,
It would seem that your decision to file D or R has caused quite a debate. There are points to be made on both sides but I would like to offer you some food for thought. The premise, if I understand correctly, behind filing immediately is to force your W to feel some pain. This will prove futile unless she feels YOUR pain. She may feel pain from a D but what pain will that be. If her angst is not derived from and focused on what she has done to you then it will not prove fruitful to her changing.

Some argue that you need to read every single bit of information available so that you "can know what you are forgiving" but I posit that what you are forgiving is her. Furthermore, to know every detail of what that woman did with the OM I do not see as necessarily beneficial since, if your marriage is to continue, it will not be with that woman. If any part of that woman remains then your R will be hollow and futile. So then, if you need to read the information then by all means do so but realize that the woman that committed those acts and the woman you will attempt to R with are not one in the same.

Similarly, file for D if that is what you feel is necessary but realize that any pain that she feels from an impending D may actually diminish your ability to see her true feelings. In other words, do you want her to R with you because she fears losing her "comfort zone" life? Or do you wish a R based on her fear and angst over losing you? Her fear of losing her "stuff" may elicit behavior that mimics remorse or contrition but it could be insincere and prompted out of fear rather than a deep caring for you.

Some have said not to let her see your emotions. They say that women respect strength. Is not any woman who can be so easily manipulated in serious jeopardy of falling for any other "strong" man? I do not believe that all women are so gullible and limbic driven. If your W cannot empathize with your pain and deep feelings of loss and betrayal then all of the stoicism in the world will not keep her long term.

The bottom line here is that in order for any R to be successful the WS HAS to realize, understand, feel, and react accordingly, not from the threat of D or the hard gaze of an iron man but from within her, with her emotion. That is the only way it can be real. The woman that did this to you could not do this and if there is to be any chance at R that woman must yield way completely to a woman that can. If she cannot find that woman within her then R will not be successful. So you see the quest is hers much more so than yours. If that woman is in there then your R can be as good or better than anything you had before but if she is not, then you can only have exactly what you had before, more of the same and you will find yourself here again telling us another story. Consider this carefully.
 
#273 ·
The risk is that many WS don't have the ability to feel others pain, not in the way healthy people do. It is part of their brokenness. It's why they can sleep like babies while doing horrible stuff while the rest of us would be losing our hair. You guys give them too much credit.
 
#274 ·
My position on filing is that he needs to show her that what she has done warrants divorce, and that he's actually willing to do it.

It's not to scare her into reconciling--- she already says she wants that.
It's to show her the consequences of her actions, and to fear them were she to ever consider cheating again.

If he takes her back after what she has done with little more than an "I'm angry and hurt" response, I feel this is sure to be a repeat performance.

I think it will be anyway, but were I to be wrong, I still stand by the serving her papers suggestion.

She needs to at least know that consequences exist, and that he's not just upset, he's losing his feelings for HER.
 
#276 ·
Relationships are to have standards, as such, agreeing to forward-looking standards ensures there is no repeat performance. Being hyper-vigilant in regards to anticipated future cheating dooms relationships.

She was making it public for a reason. The text messages might revile that reason. So yes, OP needs to read them.

With the way they were going on I believe they planned on leaving their SO's and getting together. But the POSOM back out when his wife caught him. Why else would you be so open about it.
This sounds like a conspiracy theory.


..........


Everyone should ask themselves whether their pet hypothesis has empirical support. Research focused on infidelity is not where it needs to be, but there is still plenty one can garner from what has been published. A popular treatment model is "forgiveness-based", fyi. Much of what is being tossed around here guarantees that she is punished for what she's done and that he is left with the burden of betrayal, with the only reprieve coming IF her punishment is fully experienced. Regardless of the outcome, OP needs to heal. To heal demands forgiveness. What occurred must no longer be emotionally traumatic.
 
#275 ·
Good night people. She was going out on dates with this POSOM. Wine and dine in public where anyone could see that they were a couple. They were not trying to hide it. She didn't care, yes he needs to know what was being planed and said. This has to be the biggest kick in the nuts I have read on here.

She was making it public for a reason. The text messages might revile that reason. So yes, OP needs to read them.

With the way they were going on I believe they planned on leaving their SO's and getting together. But the POSOM back out when his wife caught him. Why else would you be so open about it.
 
#279 · (Edited)
I don't know what I want to do. The wife may have done a selfish and disgusting thing, but I don't think she like hates me or wants the worst for me. She has been giving me the space I have asked for. I think I need to start making moves behind the scenes (perhaps filing for divorce) just to show her there are consequences to her actions. Yes I'm a chump and would like to reconcile, she has been saying she wants to reconcile and doesn't want a divorce but her actions need to prove that. And no, they weren't going to leave either of us for their spouses and there was no talk about doing that in the texts. I still wouldn't be here and neither would the other mans wife. I'm not that much of a chump.

I don't want to be a part time dad in my opinion is different than staying for the kids. The affair was for thrill and they got off on the secrecy of it. The place where they spotted is not a place where any of us would spot them, it's not like they were in our local area showing off their "love". She has been extremely guilt stricken these past few days and I know I need to take advantage of that. I did not cry about my wife yesterday, I cried at the thought of being a part time dad. She did cry with me and hugged me, I don't think crying is weak but I will try not to do in front of her again.

Here we are now, this is the OM's last week at the job, confirmed. There is no more inappropriate contact between the two, confirmed. I was sad and devastated yesterday, now I'm feeling a little better. I don't want to be taken advantage of but I also don't want a divorce, if that makes sense. Someone here suggested a polygraph, where can I ever get one of those done? Also my wife and I make basically the same amount of money, it's not like she even needs me in her life for financial support.

I don't have to decide now, if my wife was being mean and cold to me then I would definitely walk. She is doing everything I ask and I'm currently at a stand still. Filing will definitely shock her, I'm just too scared to do at the moment. People it's not easy to walk away from a woman you've been with for so long who is the mother of your three kids. Someone also suggested a book to me No More Mr. Nice guy in PM, anyone have experience with it?

Regrading the polygraph I would like to ask about if she ever had past affairs, does she still love me. Would she rather be with the OM or someone else. I don't know how accurate those are and I'm not sure she would agree to it. She said she would do anything though so we will see. It's very difficult to get back to everyone so sorry if I can't answer questions. If you would like to ask anything personal just private message me.
 
#281 · (Edited)
I don't know what I want to do. The wife may have done a selfish and disgusting thing, but I don't think she like hates me or wants the worst for me. She has been giving me the space I have asked for. I think I need to start making moves behind the scenes (perhaps filing for divorce) just to show her there are consequences to her actions. Yes I'm a chump and would like to reconcile, she has been saying she wants to reconcile and doesn't want a divorce but her actions need to prove that. And no, they weren't going to leave either of us for their spouses and there was no talk about doing that in the texts. I still wouldn't be here and neither would the other mans wife. I'm not that much of a chump.
How, exactly, does this make you a chump? Perhaps grunt and beat your chest a few times to counteract this feeling. Do not allow other's supposition to cloud your judgement further.

I don't want to be a part time dad in my opinion is different than staying for the kids. The affair was for thrill and they got off on the secrecy of it. The place where they spotted is not a place where any of us would spot them, it's not like they were in our local area showing off their "love". She has been extremely guilt stricken these past few days and I know I need to take advantage of that. I did not cry about my wife yesterday, I cried at the thought of being a part time dad. She did cry with me and hugged me, I don't think crying is weak but I will try not to do in front of her again.
You are a H yes but you are also a father and must act accordingly. Child minded fun. Crying is a release of emotion, nothing more, many assign much more "meaning" to it. Crying does not signify weakness but rather deep, intense emotional angst.

Here we are now, this is the OM's last week at the job, confirmed. There is no more inappropriate contact between the two, confirmed. I was sad and devastated yesterday, now I'm feeling a little better. I don't want to be taken advantage of but I also don't want a divorce, if that makes sense. Someone here suggested a polygraph, where can I ever get one of those done? Also my wife and I make basically the same amount of money, it's not like she even needs me in her life for financial support.

I don't have to decide now, if my wife was being mean and cold to me then I would definitely walk. She is doing everything I ask and I'm currently at a stand still. Filing will definitely shock her, I'm just too scared to do at the moment. People it's not easy to walk away from a woman you've been with for so long who is the mother of your three kids. Someone also suggested a book to me No More Mr. Nice guy in PM, anyone have experience with it?
You needn't justify your feelings to us or anyone.

Regrading the polygraph I would like to ask about if she ever had past affairs, does she still love me. Would she rather be with the OM or someone else. I don't know how accurate those are and I'm not sure she would agree to it. She said she would do anything though so we will see. It's very difficult to get back to everyone so sorry if I can't answer questions. If you would like to ask anything personal just private message me.
Do not put too much stock in the answer to this question until you are convinced she knows what love is. Up till now she has demonstrated she does not. This is the change you must see if you are to R successfully.
She must become that different woman I referenced earlier and to do so she must truly "get it", all of it and understand love. Be warned that this is extremely difficult for a person to do and highly unlikely, nigh on to impossible but the chance does exist.
 
#280 ·
Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam, are you afraid of reading the emails, not so much for pure content, but because she may have slagged you off to the OM?

Because that can be the most hurtful thing of all, not to mention steer the direction of your choices very rapidly and purposefully... Away from R.

There are all kinds of betrayals, some that wound more deeply than others.
 
#282 · (Edited)
Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam, what @NoChoice said is very important. I want to add something to it.

You are not a chump for wanting to reconcile. Nearly every BS who comes to this site wants to R.

What will make you a chump is if you reconcile with someone who is not doing the things necessary to be a suitable partner again. Right now it is a little too soon to tell if your wife is demonstrating that. Tears are not necessarily a demonstration of remorse.

The only thing worse than losing your spouse to infidelity is reconciling with someone who will do it to you again.

You need to figure out what you need to see to give her a chance at reconciliation. It starts with no contact, IC, her going to each of your parents to apologize for her behavior, full access to all her devices and accounts, and a willingness to understand that you won't just get over it in six months (trying to rug sweep). If she is unwilling to do any of that, then she is not remorseful. I am sure there are other things that other posters will think of. What you must see from her is full capitulation.

The only thing I need to caution you on, Cam, is that you need to actually communicate to her that this is her last shot. Any more shenanigans means she will be your XW in short order. Here is the kicker: you actually have to be willing to walk, which is really the only concern I have of you. Never...Ever...Ever play brinkmanship unless you are willing to go over the brink.

All waywards do and say dumb crap. Yours is no different.

Figure out what you need to R. Listen very closely to @drifting on and @Lonely husband 42301. They have both reconciled, and DO's situation was considerably worse than yours.

Keep posting. And yes, read No More Mister Nice Guy. It is a great book.
 
#284 ·
Cam, you are by no means a chump for wanting to reconcile. I did, and for six weeks I was solid on D. But I had taken time to think through. My question was would my life be better or worse without my wife? You love your wife, but she hurt you more than you have ever been hurt. However, she must show remorse. How will you know she is showing remorse? When you see her do things that demonstrate she knows she hurt you badly and shows by her words backed up by actions supporting those words. You will see it when you look into her eyes. You will know, trust me on that. It is hard to explain.

Definitely have divorce petition and related items drafted and have her served. As noted earlier on this thread this shows your wife actions have consequences.

Most of all do what feels right in your heart. Most on this thread are pro divorce, and I can attest to that.
But understand that most have been where you are and their concern is for you to get out of infidelity.
Pray for guidance. Trust me it helps much.

Please quit referring to yourself as a chump. Do not beat yourself up. This **** is all her fault. She owns it. You did nothing to deserve this **** sandwich she served you.
 
#285 ·
You should be able to google for a polygraph tester in your area. Though Ive never done it I think you get 3 questions. From what i understand I would not ask the question Do You Love Me. Not that the question isnt important but because everyone has a different definition of love, and love things differently. Love like you are her brother? love like your her kid? Love like your her husband? Its all love but different.

There are people here who have done the polygraph thing and can help you with very pinpointed questions to ask. I think you want to concentrate your questions on past infidelity? What else?

A polygraph is the way to go here. You will find out very quickly if shes really willing to do "anything". like Farside said though - you have to be willing to walk away if she balks.

So - If you do go forward with polygraph plan for the scenarios. Plan for her going, plan for her refusing, also plan what you will do if she agrees but starts trickle truthing you. Set your direction upfront for each scenario so when the time comes you have a plan and just execute instead of trying to figure it out in the moment.
 
#289 ·
Believe me when I tell you that everyone in her work place either knows or suspects the she and OM where f***ing. Now a large portion of the men will try to be the next guy in line when OM leaves. Also believe me when I say that a bunch of the guys there got a play-by-play of how the OM got her in bed and will try the same tactic.

"Gee I heard about you and OM. That crazy ***** he is married to is making his life miserable, but he has to stay for his kids. Are you OK?" and then it starts.

Can you be sure she will not fall for one of them?
 
#290 ·
you do need to see if she is going to cheat again.

If you do not have some consequences, she will be at it as soon as she thinks things have cooled down.

does she still find you attractive sexually, or does she love you like a brother?

You will not know without the D filing, the exposure, the polygraph that she pays for, and her paying for you both to go to counseling with affair recovery.com.

You can find them online. she can pay for affair recovery.com, also. You do not want to go thru this again. She has proven that she can cheat, and lie and not think about her kids or you.

Yes, she needs to show that you are the only man for her for the rest of her life. Is she still pining for the OM? Yes, she is pining for him right now and this last week that he is there is a big problem.

I would have a PI on her this week. She might try for one last fling with him before he is gone.

protect yourself from future pain. You do not want to go thru this again. If you roll over, she will think the next OM will be even easier than this one.

Good luck to you and your kids. Your wife is not in love with you, like you are in love with her. You are still looking at her thru rose colored glasses. Time to take her off of her pedestal, she is very ugly inside.
 
#291 · (Edited)
@cam42,

Until today I've been quietly reading along on your thread, but today I want to speak to you as a former Disloyal Spouse who was able to successfully reconcile. I also would like you to know that I am pro-reconciliation if possible...but facing reality, sometimes it really is not possible!

In your circumstances, I see the potential possibility for hope, but I don't think we are quite there yet. Let's look at some of the positives: a) the affair is over and it can be confirmed it's over; b) the OM is quitting the job and going elsewhere; c) No Contact has been put in place and you can confirm it; d) your wife has expressed some regret. When Loyal Spouses don't even have these things, well then obviously it's not even possible to have hope of reconciling--but in your instance you DO have a couple indicators that there is a possibility, so I would say rather than thinking of "what's going to happen?" that one thing you could do that might help a bit is to live in the now and recognize that this is where you are now: you don't have the disaster that some are handed!

Next I'd say that you get to decide what you do and do not want to know about the affair. YOU are the one who was betrayed! So it's not up to us--we are not there and we have not lived your life--so it is up to YOU to make decisions for your self and your marriage and your family. My own Dear Hubby also did not want to read every single chat log because in his logic he said, "I already know you were unfaithful. You have already admitted you were unfaithful. I know what infidelity means and what it involves and will act accordingly. I just don't need to know every little detail to know what I need to do." If that is where you're at--you know it was adultery and you don't need to know more to know what to do and how to act--then you are the betrayed person and you get to choose what works to heal you.

But my caution here is that people tend to live in what I call an "illusion." What I mean by that is that sometimes people do not want to hear that she talked extremely dirty to the OM because that would shatter their illusion. Or they don't want to see right before their eyes that she talked about having a fetish or being sexually wild because it would destroy the illusion. So they AVOID THE TRUTH in order to maintain the illusion. Essentially it's like denial and rugsweeping in order to try to maintain status quo (or return the marriage to status quo). If that is where you are at--you don't want to know the full truth because you would not be able to deny how bad it was or maintain the illusion of getting back to "the way it was"--then you have an issue. Because @cam42 as painful as it is, you need to face reality...the TRUTH. And the truth is that your wife committed adultery, and the marriage you had in the past was KILLED when she was unfaithful. You will never, EVER have that marriage back again. It is DEAD and death means that it will not "go back to the way it was." Then again, "the way it was" lead to one party in the marriage having an affair! So we do not WANT to go back to that!!!!! If you reconcile, it has to be because your eyes are WIDE OPEN to the full truth, and you accept that the old marriage will not resurrect, and you choose to move on and build a whole new marriage with your wife.

Okay?

Reading some of the texts may open your eyes enough for you to fully understand that the former marriage IS NO MORE. It won't be going back to the way it was. If you choose to reconcile, it will be something entirely different and hopefully much, MUCH healthier and better. Envision it this way: right now you have been given a puzzle that is in pieces. You can't see the image on the puzzle because all you have is a jumble of pieces. Now through some investigating and logic you have been able to find all the flat-edge pieces and put the FRAME together--so you know that the image within the puzzle is adultery. And you have been able to put the pieces together to see a corner of the image over here...and a large chunk over there...but you do not yet see the entire picture or entirely what you're dealing with. In my Dear Hubby's opinion, he does not think "how many times did you ___?" is the puzzle to concentrate on, though; he believes the REAL puzzle is the "what was it about the former marriage that lead to an affair?"

Finally, I would like to sort of help you understand the difference between regret/remorse and true repentance, and give you a few examples of what each would look like.

REGRET/REMORSE is when a disloyal spouse is sorry. They are sorry they got caught. They are sorry they have to leave their cushy job. They are sorry they have to eat crow. They are sorry they have to experience a painful consequence. They may even be sorry they hurt you! But the sorrow is SELF focused and revolves around feeling miserable because the result of what they did is painful to them! Very often, a disloyal spouse in regret/remorse will claim they will change or have changed, will promise to "do anything", will say they don't want a divorce....but when it comes to actually going to IC on their own without prompting they won't go--or won't read any marriage books--or won't do the work of actually attempting to use the new methods and change. In other words they are often all talk and no action--and they "don't want a divorce" because they aren't dumb! They realize that they'll lose half of everything and half their time with the kids!

TRUE REPENTANCE, on the other hand, is when a disloyal is LOYAL-focused and FAMILY-focused. Now to be fair and honest, many people do start off in regret/remorse because we are all beings that think of ourselves. But if a disloyal is going to actually recover, very, VERY quickly after saying to themselves "OH MY GOD this hurts!" they'll switch to something like "If this hurts ME it must have been gut-wrenching to my spouse and so scary for my kids!" They are sorry but the sorrow is in thinking about the damage they did to the one person who always stood by them...and the destruction they caused to the little faces that look up to them for security and guidance! A disloyal who is repentant is pretty rare, but when you have one it will sound like this: "I didn't see the harm I was doing and I see it now! Oh my god I can't believe what I've done! I know I deserve nothing right now, but what can I do to help you? How can I help you and the kids get back on your feet?" A repentant spouse would take personal responsibility and get their own behind end to IC without nagging...and then work on the counseling throughout the week to figure out where they're broken. And most of all, the repentant disloyal would not make promises AT ALL. They'd just keep quiet and let their ACTIONS speak for themselves, acknowledging that their action is what killed the marriage--not you telling the truth--and accepting that you need to do what you need to do.

So to sum it all up, I do think there is hope, but now would be a great time to take a step back, take a breath, and observe. Figure out which puzzle you want to fill out. Take the time to accept that the image you had of your "good marriage" was false. Learn to accept that your former marriage is dead and that if you do decide to reconcile, you need to build a whole, new marriage (otherwise you are rugsweeping). Take time to observe if your wife is regretful and self-centered....or repentant and others-centered.

I personally would get divorce papers, fill them out, show them to her, and leave them out on the corner of your desk or table--visible. Then sit back and see how she ACTS. Don't remind her...don't nag or plead...just observe. And likewise work on yourself. Was your wife unhappy in the marriage? Why didn't you notice that? What do you need to work on? Do that and just give you and her time to show WITH ACTIONS what is true. If she never really does anything different, then she didn't really mean it and she didn't really change, right? But if she DID really mean it she will ACT different. She will learn how to be a better wife. She will struggle with and practice being transparently honest. She will open up to you and want to be with you. If you don't see those kinds of actions , then file. If you do....then keep building.

ETA: Gratuitous plug for a fantastic article (heehee): http://affaircare.com/2016/01/23/what-the-disloyal-spouse-can-do-to-save-their-marriage/
 
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