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Sex and dating

15K views 119 replies 33 participants last post by  SunCMars 
#1 ·
So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.

Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.

I started seeing someone a couple of weeks ago and he seemed amazing while we were texting. I thought wow! This guy can communicate, he seemed to be on the same sexual level as me and he seemed like and overall great man.

We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).

Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?


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#2 ·
We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).
Go with your gut instinct, it is usually right. There are plenty of other men out there for you to sample, why stop at one who has already not met your expectations?
 
#4 ·
People are different in person than they are online and if you enter a long term relationship you will be interacting in person (I hope!). If there were lots of great things about him, it might be worth trying again, but it sounds like the entire date just didn't go very well. The real key though is did you enjoy yourself? If you didn't then I don't see any reason for another date.

As far as sex I think its worth keeping track of bad sex that could get better and just bad sex. Someone who has a desire to please but isn't very good at it might just need practice leaning what you like, but someone who doesn't care about your pleasure will never be a good lover.
 
#5 ·
We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).

Beyond my better judgment, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.
Someone completely misrepresents themselves and you sleep with them anyway?

I am just thinking out loud really. Anyone have an input?
Yes, work on your own issues before you critique others. You're obviously not ready to date based on your poor decision making.
 
#6 ·
I have to disagree. In retrospect it didn't turn out very well, but it might have. I don't read "against my better judgement" as "it was horrible I feel awful", but just that in hindsight she wishes she hadn't. Thats fine - life is full of doing things that later you realize you shouldn't have done.

I think the OP is behaving completely reasonably.



Someone completely misrepresents themselves and you sleep with them anyway?



Yes, work on your own issues before you critique others. You're obviously not ready to date based on your poor decision making.
 
#10 ·
Anyone have an input?

I've read a story about another person in a similar situation regarding the struggle to find an HD male partner. Here are some problems you will encounter


  • Some very intelligent men (perhaps high functioning autism such as engineers) can communicate very well online, but very poorly in person.
  • Most men do NOT understand that their desired frequency of solo sexual experiences and partnered experiences will NOT be the same. Partnered experiences are way more powerful and satisfying which create a much stronger male refractory period compared to masturbation. So if a guy tell you he thinks he can handle twice a day, in reality once it is with a partner it will be more like once every two days if even that.
  • You need to determine what MODE of sex your potential partner desires as some conflict with others (e.g. role play, partner engagement, sensual meditation).

Good luck!

Badsanta
 
#11 ·
Meh... you can go out with him one or two more times to see if things improve, but they likely won't.

Why did you have sex with him if he was giving you the bad vibes? I'm HD, too, but I only sleep with someone if we're really clicking. HD =/= promiscuous. Not saying you're promiscuous. Serious question, why did you sleep with him? Sex releases bonding chemicals... you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.
 
#21 ·
I already have compared him against my ex's that were amazing guys but nOt good in bed and we just did better as friends and my ex's that were amazing in bed but could not communicate. He did not come even close.


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#16 ·
....I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.

.....he seemed to be on the same sexual level as me and he seemed like and overall great man.

....Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?....
I want you to read the above, but from the perspective of a man. Then think about what you communicated above. If your date or any future date ever gets a hint of what you said (and your body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. probably will convey the message) they won't want to date you.

First, each and every human being responds to foreplay and sexual stimulation differently. Your saying you aren't going to bother to teach him is basically saying. Hey I am available for an adult version of 20-questions, but you had better guess right on all of the questions or I am kicking you out of the bed.

Seriously, some women prefer being held, some having their feet rubbed, some having their neck and shoulders rubbed, prior to more intimate touching. Some women love to have their breasts and nipple stimulated and others don't. There is no "one size fits all" foreplay routine. You really do have to do a bit of instruction on your preferences.

Second, sex should be fun and playful. That means that sometimes the sex will be great and sometimes it will be a disaster that you both laugh about. I feel sorry for the poor folks to whom each sex act is huge deal. That sets up performance anxiety for both you and your lover. That sure will dampen things down a bit.

Third, your first sexual experience with him "...was just terrible...." I'll bet when he left he knew how you felt. Do you remember when you lost your virginity? Was it a great "the earth moved and I was in bliss moment?" For most of us it was so, so at best. The reason is that sex like anything requires a degree of practice and familiarity with your partner. You wouldn't expect to play great doubles tennis with someone you had just met and got on the court together for the first time would you?

Finally, I will agree with one of the others who commented before me. You are not ready for a serious relationship yet so don't try to impose those standards on the people you are dating. You need some time to heal, clear you soul, and become less needy and demanding. Until then, if you must satisfy your needs, go look for a stud who f-you, not someone who "...seemed like an(d) overall great man...."

But if you do that, watch out for those bonding hormones as they do quickly create the illusion of love.
 
#17 ·
So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.

Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.

I started seeing someone a couple of weeks ago and he seemed amazing while we were texting. I thought wow! This guy can communicate, he seemed to be on the same sexual level as me and he seemed like and overall great man.

We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).

Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?


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Are you looking for a relationship or a project?

I don't want to sound too harsh but are you trying to find someone you want to be with or trying to find someone that you hope you can change into someone you want to be with? Who are you to say what direction he needs to go to be a better person anyway?

You've had 2 dates and it's not what you wanted so move on. Find someone that is the person that complements you and gives you what you need from the relationship without having to change who they are.

If you think he could be someone that you want a relationship with then clearly he isn't at the moment.
 
#23 ·
I haven't dated since the early 80's so I'm not sure my advice would be very useful. If my Members Only jacket hadn't been stolen at the height of its popularity I'd probably still have it in my closet.

But I do think if I did date, I'd probably not be in top form on my first outing. I'm definitely eager to please in bed but I'd only be guessing what works for you. So I guess it depends what you mean by a disaster. Was he selfish? That's a huge red flag. Was he too timid? That might be correctable with some positive directions and a few signals (like grabbing him by the ears, pulling him on top, or you jumping on top - none of these are subtle so any HD guy should be able to respond).

But if it sucked and he wasn't that attractive, move on unless he has some other very attractive features that interest you.


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#67 ·
My advice is to have sex with whomever you like early on. Lest you waste time investing in a sexual relationship with them, when they not up to par sexually.

As to being messed up, if someone has experienced significant sexual trauma and or has been brought up to or otherwise come to believe all sorts of nonsense about sex. Yes they might get messed up.

On the other hand if someone has a healthy sexual outlook, doesn't buy prescriptive perspectives on sex and knows themselves. Chances are having consenting sex with any number of people just isn't a big deal at all.
 
#33 ·
Btw asking about prior relationships and "tallying" the score isn't necessarily jealousy. Personally I think it's essential to try to get an idea of what the other person is like in a relationship.

Some people have 1 partner over 20 years and others have 20. It's not good or bad either way, but I'd want to know about your past and would share mine.

Connecting with someone else requires understanding their life experiences and perspectives.

Jealousy is a completely different thing. I might find it concerning if you had 20 partners in 20 years, but wouldn't be jealous. There are many reasons for having several prior relationships as we get older. Some good, some bad. Sometimes people stay in a single relationship way too long and shouldn't have. Again - it has more to do with understanding a persons life and relationship experience.

There have been threads here where people have very strong opinions about whether it's ok to ask about someone's past or not ask. I'm not trying to restart that debate.


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#35 ·
So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.

Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.

I started seeing someone a couple of weeks ago and he seemed amazing while we were texting. I thought wow! This guy can communicate, he seemed to be on the same sexual level as me and he seemed like and overall great man.

We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).

Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?
I just can't identify with what it must be like to live for your genitals and be on the hunt auditioning guys in bed to see if they're 'sex worthy' before you even know if you like them or what their last name is. What the hell kind of relationship will that turn out to be, or are you just looking for a highly trained f*ck buddy who isn't emotionally and socially stunted?

Since your first priority is sex, why don't you just start looking on Adult Friend Finder or some other hookup site?
 
#36 · (Edited)
Who said my first priority is sex? I am saying finding someone sexually compatible is important to me.

You may think of it as "living by my genitals", I find it finding someone I am sexually compatible with so that I do not have to lay there at night unsatisfied and disconnected.

Intimacy is a MASSIVE part of any relationship, and being criticized because I hold it as one of my priorities is ignorant.

You will also note that my other requirements were communication and not being jealous.

Communication is MASSIVE part of any relationship. If I am not able to talk to a partner about things....what is the point in being in a relationship with them?

Not being with someone jealous either. Rather be able to trust someone and have them trust me and not live in a state of having to defend myself because some guy checks me out at the grocery store and my man notices it.

If you do not hold these three parts of a Relationship as important, then please do not provide insulting and attacking input that is not productive.


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#38 ·
You can't fix him. He has to implement change himself and unless you are struck dumb with love, happened to me over 25 years ago, then putting so much effort into it doesn't seem worth it.

The first sex I had with Mrs. Conan was terrible, both our fault, buy I knew she was the one when I first saw her.

She had a lot of baggage, two divorces and a kid but I was gone when I first saw her.

She has improved so much she isn't recognizable, the sex is off the charts and I planted my own baby in her 4 years after our first date.

It was a hell of a lot of work but well worth it.

If you aren't gagga for this man, don't waste your time.
 
#39 ·
P.S.

I'm sure you know how mental/emotional sexual attraction and fulfillment are.

You should have a clue if a guy does it for you way before you hit the bedroom.

The energy, the heat, you will have a very hard time getting thoughts of him out of your head after meeting him, in person of course.

Someone like that is going to be a very good bet to take a chance with.

You shouldn't have to settle for less so don't.
 
#43 ·
@xMadame I think you may be looking in the wrong place for help. This area of the forum is devoted to "sex in marriage" and it is a place where most people discuss ongoing issues in long term relationships that have spanned a few years or even a few decades.

Meanwhile you have a new boyfriend and have perhaps had sex once or twice with him and need advice on how to go about deciding if you are going in the right direction.

I'm sorry, but I have not dated a new person in well over twenty years, but my wife and I do have "date nights" here and there. I doubt very seriously if many people on this forum even remember what dating was like. So in that sense, people here will not be able to relate very well with you.

If you wish to start another thread a revisit what happened in your marriage (seems like you mentioned that), you may get some feedback that will help you make sense of the past so that you can learn from that as you move forwards.

Regards,
Badsanta
 
#49 ·
It took me two wives and 25 years with the second one to learn how to be good in bed.

Some are late bloomers, or simply inexperienced or uneducated. The key is his attitude towards sex. You never know. In time, he may have the capacity to be your best ever.

It is possible.

Just giving you another view point.
 
#53 ·
It took me two wives and 25 years with the second one to learn how to be good in bed.

Some are late bloomers, or simply inexperienced or uneducated. The key is his attitude towards sex. You never know. In time, he may have the capacity to be your best ever.

It is possible.

Just giving you another view point.
Going forward with the hopes of this happening is the worst advice ever. Like in your case, is she supposed to wait for 25 years and also have to teach him along the way? Why would anyone sign up for that?

There are so many wonderful men out there who will already be compatible to begin with. That's what she needs and she should not settle for less.
 
#50 ·
Attitude is everything in the bedroom. I admit that I am high libido, and always have been. My wife for many years was not as high as myself, HOWEVER...after menopause, without hormone replacement, her level jumped significantly. We have always been considerate of one another's needs in the bedroom, now it has become marathon sessions, every other day, (we're in our 60's) and spending time looking toward the heavens and remarking, "God has the weirdest sense of humor", giving us the sex life of teenagers while in our "golden" years. To keep up with one another requires some time in the gym and eating really well (when I am not eating her)
 
#51 · (Edited)
OP, you already found out that he misses on two of your three important points. He seems jealous and he's not a good communicator. Even if he'd been a dynamo in the sack, he still wouldn't have been what you wanted in the two other areas you've expressed as important to you. So, even if he's sexually "trainable", he still won't be what you want in those two other ways. Unless you know you're just in it for the shag (which is perfectly fine by the way, as long as you're honest with yourself and your partner about it) I see no need to sexually "test drive" a man you already know isn't what you want in other ways. Look for a partner, not a project. Once he's already failed in one or more significant areas of desire/compatibility, you really don't have to make sure he fails in all the others before it's okay to "next" him. An F in two out of three subjects is more than plenty to just move along and look for a better candidate.
 
#63 ·
Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?
I figure meeting him and trying him out has told you all you need to know, that said if you do want to try again give it a go.

Although I doubt he'll get or be better, it's not the end of the world to give him the benefit of the doubt. Especially if you're still curious or still wanting to scratch that itch without anyone else being available.

So regardless of what you choose or have chosen, I hope you have plenty of fun enjoying the wonderful world of dating.
 
#75 · (Edited)
@xMadame

If you really liked this guy, thought he was just absolutely wonderful and were very attracted to him, I'd say give him a 2nd chance. You seem rather meh about him outside of sex, though, so it probably wouldn't be worth the bother.

I do think you were a little harsh on the jealousy issue, though. I prefer to know a potential serious partner's dating, relationship, and sexual history and preferences before getting too involved. To me, this speaks to compatibility and doesn't have anything to do with jealousy.
 
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