aeroz

Yeah, its kinda been on cruise control. Shortly after the latest big incident, I tried to re-establish closeness with him. I believe it worked and now we seem back to normal.

He says I am a major importance to him, and that just because I am not "family," doesn't mean I am not a major importance or the most important thing in his life.

He is waiting to figure out whether he can deal with what he sees as my criticism of him. I am critical in general, and of everyone.

I deconverted 3 years ago from a deeply religious faith (Christian fundamentalism), which taught that we were the only ones in the world that believed the truth, that everyone else was wrong and going to hell, and that most things that most people did were wrong and bad, and we were not to associate with them. So in our religion we were super critical of everyone in the world outside our little church. We resisted changed, deemed it the work of Satan, and sheltered ourselves even more deeply into our little narrow world of "perfection." I obviously still harbor anger towards the institution, the church, and my family. I suppose I am bitter.

I left the "faith" 3 years ago, but apparently I did not finish my deconversion, because it still corrupts me; it has left its stain of closed-mindedness and negativity on me, and I did not even realize it until it began to seriously impact my relationship with my bf. He has been pointing it out to me for some time now, and I finally realize that I must continue to purge myself of my past.

Anyway, I find myself drifting back to about a year ago, when my relationship with my bf was fresh, new, exciting, and I want it all back so badly. I crave it; I want mystery in my life again; I want so many things that I feel I cannot have.

My bf says that once I broke free from my fundamentalist sheltered upbringing and found out how the real world worked, I decided that I hated it, and have withdrawn from it, trying to hide away from it into my own little world.

And I suppose he is right. I've struggled to adapt to it. I had grand ideas of what it should be--what my parents and college instructors and advisors seemed to say it was--and it was nothing like that. I graduated from college and could not manage to find a job even remotely resembling what I majored in. I took another job for a year, then got fired. My attitude at that job was great for the first 6 months, until they dramatically cut health insurance benefits and fired an employee. After that I had no respect for the company, was slowly realizing I had no future there, and eventually got fired.

I tried getting several other jobs--all were not challenging, made me bored out of my mind, and were extremely unfulfilling. And I got fired from many of them, and quit others. Many of these jobs were from temp agencies, which I realized simply existed to exploit desperate people.

After all that happened, I became a worse person. I became even more negative, thinking that I could never find the job I wanted, that there was no point trying, that "jobs" were methods of enslaving people into heartless, soulless, meaningless functions that enriched other people while deflating your hopes and dreams. I began working for myself, but I earn even less that way than when I worked for the private industry making $9/hr.

I feel like I am sinking, at a time in my life when I should be making breakthroughs, reaching new heights, making important discoveries.

I should be growing, but I am whithering.